


Other SVU Drabbles

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Blind Date, Body Worship, Break Up, College AU, Drunk Texting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, First Date, First Kiss, Fluff, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Insecurity, Library AU, Light Smut, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mentions of Death, Mentions of alcohol, Military AU, Past Abuse, References to Canon, Soulmate AU, Valentines, Weddings, crack ships, married before canon, post 19x02, post 19x13, vague smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-21 11:59:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 84
Words: 42,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13740411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: All my miscellaneous ship drabbles, of which I have many, as is evident in the tags.





	1. Reader+Sonny - "Please talk to me"

**Author's Note:**

> Sonny + Reader  
> "Please talk to me" tumblr prompt.
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/164366320497/please-talk-to-me-sonny-reader-i-notice-you

 

It had been almost a week since you’d heard from him, but to be fair, you hadn’t tried to contact him, either. Every time you picked up your phone to text or call, the voice in your head told you he’d call you when he was ready.

_But what if he’s never ready?_

You knew you’d messed up. Big time. You had no excuses, no explanations. It had just happened. You owned it. You didn’t lie. Yet he’d looked at you as though he wished you would.

And then he’d walked out. He didn’t even say anything, he just grabbed his coat from the chair he’d slung it over moments before, and left, eyes wet and lips pulled into a tight line.

That had been 5 and a half days ago, and you were going crazy.

In retrospect, showing up at his house unannounced with a block of his favourite chocolate and a bottle of wine that best complimented his pasta sauce probably wasn’t the best idea. But up until the point that you were knocking on his door, it had seemed like the perfect idea.

Panic consumed you for a moment, but then his door swung open and you were met with his beautiful face, you couldn’t help but smile. That is, until his own smile slipped from his face, replaced by a look you could only describe as a grimace.

He was about to shut the door in your face, but you weren’t having that. You thrust your peace offering at him, forcing him back enough so you could step through the doorway.

**“Please talk to me,”**  you pleaded, biting your bottom lip.

Sonny scowled, but caught himself, replacing it with a look so wounded you felt a jolt in your stomach.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He sounded rough, and you wondered if he was going to cry.

“There’s plenty to talk about,” you whispered, taking a step closer to him.

“You’re leaving. What’s there to say?” He sounded so bitter it broke your heart.

“We can talk about it. We should talk about it."

Sonny was silent for what felt like forever. You opened your mouth to speak, but he held his hand up to silence you. He tried to speak a few times before giving up and dropping down to the lounge, his hands running through his hair. It was then you realised he wasn’t angry, he was just sad. You thought you’d rather his anger to this.

“Sonny…”

“No. No, you applied for a job halfway across the country without telling me. You were ACCEPTED at said job halfway across the country, and you still didn’t tell me. Were you ever gonna tell me, or were you just gonna sign that contract and run away without a word?”

“No, Sonny, I would never-”

“No? Because it sure as hell seemed like that. You didn’t tell me, Y/N. Do you know how much that hurts?” His voice broke on the last word and he sighed, forcing himself to look at you with wet eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice sounded pathetically small, even to your own ears. “I meant to bring it up. I really did. But I didn’t want to hurt either of us.”

Sonny laughed, but it was hollow.

“Too late for that.” A beat. “You let me keep looking for an apartment for us, Y/N.”

“I didn’t know if I wanted to stay or not.”

“It’s your dream job,” he whispered, sounding defeated.

_You’re my dream man_. You wanted to say it, but the words wouldn’t come. You just nodded, wringing your hands, unable to say anything.

“Please go.” He whispered.

And you did. With tears in your eyes, you slowly turned away from him and let yourself out. You could have sworn you heard him crying as you left, but you couldn’t look back.

You’d messed up and you knew it. You already had half of the move sorted. You’d kept telling yourself you would stay if he wanted to, but you knew you couldn’t. And it broke your heart almost as much as it broke his.

You only wished you’d handled it better. For the both of you.


	2. Bangan First Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Bangan first kiss" requested anonymously on tumblr
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170262201537/bangan-first-kiss

Trevor contemplated taking Rafael’s hand as they exited the restaurant, but he didn’t want to be too forward. They’d been dancing around this for almost a year now, before he had eventually plucked up the nerve to ask Rafael out to dinner. As much as he has enjoyed their evening, he didn’t want to assume anything.

“Shall I walk you home?” He offered instead, giving Rafael a shy smile.

“You going to protect me from predators?” Rafael teased with a smirk, but there was a softness in his eyes that told Trevor he appreciated the sentiment more than he would ever let on.

As they fell into step, shoulders and bumping every so often, and hands brushing, Trevor wondered if the electricity he could feel between them was mutual. He kept trying to steal glances, perhaps catch Rafael looking at him, but every time he did the other mans eyes were elsewhere.

They seemed to reach Rafael’s apartment block all too soon, and Trevor felt his stomach flutter with nerves. This part of a date was where he always faltered. He was never quite sure if to go for a kiss, a hug, or a terribly formal handshake. None ever felt quite like the right option.

“Tonight was nice,” he offered, ducking his head, though it did nothing to hide his face from his date.

“Indeed,” Rafael said quietly, offering him the softest smile Trevor had ever seen on his face as he stepped a little closer.

“I’d, erm, like to do it again?” He stuttered out, blinking as he cursed himself internally for his own awkwardness.

“Me too.”

“Oh,” he felt himself sag with relief. “Excellent.”

“You thought I’d say no?” Rafael quirked a brow, smirking again.

“I didn’t want to presume...”

Rafael cut him off by reaching up to cup his face softly, before sliding his hand down his neck and into the strands of hair at his nape.

“You’re gonna have to work with me here,” Rafael said with a breath of laughter, leaning up on tiptoes.

Trevor was quick to lean in and meet the other man half way, lips crashing together a little clumsily at first, before it softened into something bordering on perfect. He took a deep breath in as he pulled back, resting their foreheads together.

“Thank you,” he whispered, closing his eyes for a moment as Rafael’s hands slid down his sides to his waist.


	3. Carmisi "I loved them first"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carmisi - “I loved them first.” “And you let go of your chance.”
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170854827852/carmisi-i-loved-them-first-and-you-let-go

Sonny froze as he walked back into his living room, staring at Carmen, who was entirely unaware as she popped a Rolo in her mouth.

“Babe,” he said quietly, coming around the lounge so he could see her properly.

“Mm?” She responded, placing the empty wrapper on the coffee table.

“Are they…” he paused, eyes narrowing slightly, “my Rolo’s?”

“Oh,” Carmen frowned at the offending wrapper before looking up at Sonny with a shrug. “I found them in the pantry.”

“You ate my Rolo’s.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement – an accusation.

“I guess so?” She said with a laugh, like she couldn’t see the betrayal. “I’ll buy you some more.

“ **I loved them first,**  y’know,” he grumbled, plonking himself down beside her on the lounge.

 **“And you let go of your chance,”**  she teased, pulling him in against her chest as she pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I was saving them!”

“For what?”

“I dunno. For a bad day,” he said with a petulant shrug.

“I’ll buy you some more,” she repeated, pulling him with her as she laid down. “Okay?”

He sighed dramatically before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “Okay,” he said with a soft smile.


	4. Bangan Valentines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bangan Valentines
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170856133352/bangan-valentines

Rafael woke up to the smell of bacon wafting into the bedroom. He rubbed his eyes, propping himself up with a slight groan. Just as he was about to push himself out of bed entirely, his eye caught on a bright red spot on the duvet cover. He leaned forward, reaching out to touch it, when he noticed more peppered along the end of the bed.

Gently, he brushed his fingers along the spot of red closest to him, mouth turning up into a smile at the velvety touch of the rose petal beneath his fingertips.

Carefully, unwilling to disturb the petals, though he had no idea why, he slipped out of bed, pulling on a pair of light, cotton shorts, before following what he now realised was a trail, all the way into the living area of their rented cottage.

In the middle of the table was a single rose sitting in a thin glass vase, with a small black box sitting beside it. He eyed the box warily before glancing up, realising Trevor was watching him over the counter from the kitchen.

“Happy Valentines day, love,” he said softly, smile fond.

Rafael rolled his eyes, but his smile was equally fond as he moved around the table, decidedly not looking at the little black box again, to take a seat at the bench.

“Pancakes, bacon, and eggs. Hope you’re hungry,” Trevor said, sliding a large plate piled with food over to Rafael.

He rolled his eyes again, taking in the sight of a chocolate heart cooked into the middle of his pancake, but he was still smiling, a warmth spreading throughout him. He took a deep, steadying breath before looking up at his partner.

“How did you cook the heart into it?”

Trevor laughed, turning away to compile his own plate of food. “It wasn’t easy, that’s for sure. The two pancakes below that one, and my three pancakes are all testament to that.”

He slid his plate towards Rafael, allowing him to see the swirly mess of chocolate in his pancake as he made his way around the divide.

“How about we sit at the table?”

Rafael nodded, stomach fluttering with nerves as he picked up his plate, following Trevor to the table. He could hear the waves crashing against the shore outside and used the sound as a calming anchor.

“Why do you look so worried?” Trevor asked with a frown, hand brushing Rafael’s lightly before he picked up his knife and fork.

Against his will, Rafael’s eyes drifted towards the black box before he focused on his food, cutting off a large piece of pancake to pop in his mouth.

“I’m not proposing,” Trevor said with an uncomfortable laugh after an equally uncomfortable silence. He nudged the box towards Rafael. “Open it.”

Rafael was surprised at the way his stomach sunk at that. He didn’t want to get married. He’d thought about it, but it didn’t feel right, not yet, with everything else going on. And he certainly didn’t want to get engaged on Valentines day. Still, he felt a flutter of disappointment as he reached for the box with shaky hands.

Gently, carefully, as though it would break otherwise, he opened the box, a small smile gracing his lips as he saw its contents.

Inside, cushioned by black velvet, were two sets of matching cufflinks. They were simple silver bars with a small green gem pressed into one end, and a small blue gem pressed into the other, barely noticeable unless up close.

“They’re our birthstones,” Trevor said with a shrug, a blush rising on his cheeks. “If it’s too sappy, I can–”

“I love it,” Rafael whispered, cutting him off as he leaned forward, pulling Trevor towards him so he could press a rushed kiss to his lips.

“You do?” Trevor sounded surprised.

“Of course. It’s perfectly understated,” Rafael paused, hands fiddling with the sleeve of Trevor’s tee. “I love you.”

The last part was whispered, but Rafael made sure to keep his eyes on Trevor, if only to gauge his expression. At first, he looked shocked, but then his face softened and his eyes lit up, and Rafael felt all his fear and doubt disappear as Trevor pulled him in for a soft, languid kiss.

“I love you too,” he murmured against Rafael’s lips. “Now eat your breakfast before it goes cold.”


	5. Carmisi Valentines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carmisi Valentines
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170858347967/carmisi-valentines

Sonny sighed as he stepped into his dark, empty apartment, toeing his shoes off at the door. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t upset at having to spend Valentines day alone, but after Carmen told him she thought the whole holiday was, in her exact words,  _a load of crap_ , he agreed to do the double shift, cancelling his restaurant booking.

He was about to make his way into the kitchen when the light from the balcony caught his eye. He was sure he hadn’t left it on – it had been a long time since he’d bothered stepping out onto the tiny landing that the real estate agent had advertised as a balcony.

As he drew closer, he noticed the light was flickering, unsteady, more like a small fire than a light bulb. His stomach fluttered uncomfortably as he reached for the gun on his belt, hand resting on the cool metal as he made his way to the sliding door.

Just as he reached the window, a gust of wind blew in, causing the sheer curtain to blow toward him. He jumped, heart hammering in his chest.

“Shit,” he heard Carmen mutter as the light dimmed a little outside, and he felt relief sweep over his entire body, heart still beating wildly against his rips.

“What are you doing out there?” He called softly, but clearly not softly enough, as his question was followed by something shattering and a litany of curses. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she called back, voice strained, before appearing at the door, pushing the curtains aside. “Yeah, fine, although you’re short one wine glass, now.”

She looked nervous, hands behind her back as she shuffled from foot to foot, barely meeting his eyes.

“I don’t care how many wine glasses I have,” he said with a laugh, cupping her cheek gently. “Why are you so on edge?”

“Happy Valentines day,” she whispered, pulling away from him to shove a small package into his hands, still not meeting his eyes.

“What happened to Valentines Day being a ‘load of crap’?” he teased before tearing at the wrapping paper.

Inside was a black silk tie with a subtle navy and cerulean pattern woven into it. The material felt expensive – more expensive than anything else he owned.

“Wow,” he breathed out, looking up at her with wide eyes. “Thanks. I, erm…Wait here.”

He half ran to his bedroom, yanking the tie he was wearing off so he could replace it with the new one. He made sure he looked presentable before rummaging through his top drawer for the small red box he’d stashed away to give to her after Valentines day.

“Happy Valentines day,” he said quietly, sounding somewhat breathless as he made his way to her, handing her the box.

Her hands fluttered tentatively across the velvet before opening it, her breath catching as her eyes rested on its contents.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered before pulling him into a crushing hug. “Thank you.”

She pulled back, fingers ghosting across the simple gold heart locket before she opened it. Inside was the first picture they ever took together, their faces pressed together, her face scrunched up with laughter while he grinned at the camera. His heart fluttered nervously as he tried to gauge her reaction.

“Not too sappy?” He asked, hoping his lightness didn’t betray how nervous he was.

“Perfect,” she whispered, handing it to him so he could place it around her neck for her. Once he was done, she tugged at his sleeve, pulling him out onto the balcony. “Come.”

Once outside, he could smell it. Homemade Alfredo, and definitely his Ma’s recipe.

“How did you–”

“I called in a favor,” she said with a shrug, looking away shyly. “Your mom was more than happy to help me out.”

“She won’t even give me that recipe,” he grumbled, but leaned in for a kiss anyway, brushing her lips lightly with his own before pulling her chair out for her to sit. “What’s all this for?”

“Valentines day,” she said with a shrug, before sighing. “And an apology. I didn’t mean to upset you when I said I’m not fond of the holiday. I didn’t realize it meant that much to you.”

“It doesn’t,” he said, shrugging when she threw him a disbelieving look. “I’m a fan of tradition, okay? I can’t help it. But I don’t care about the day, really. I care about you.”

“I care about you too,” she said quietly, smiling softly. “I can handle celebrating Valentines day if it makes you happy.”

“You make me happy.”

The smile he received in return was damn near blinding, even in the dim light from their only lasting candle, and he realized then that he wanted to see her smile every day, for the rest of his life.


	6. Bangan Married Before Canon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bangan married before canon (told through a conversation between Rafael and Sonny)
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170888168252/bangan-married-before-canon

“You’re married,” Sonny stated, seemingly out of the blue.

Rafael glanced up, stomach fluttering a little at the accusation and the truth of it, as he looked Sonny in the eye. Sonny's eye, it seemed, was on the gold band on his finger that he’d put on for comfort earlier and had forgot to remove.

“Yes, and?” He replied, voice calm, face neutral, despite the unexpected nerves bubbling up inside of him.

“You never said.”

Rafael frowned slightly, taking in the slight downturn of Sonny’s lips and the way his forehead creased just slightly, eyes wide and a little dim, and sighed softly.

“Don’t take it personally. I don’t talk about my private life at work.”

“But we’re friends,” Sonny said, frown deepening before he added, “Aren’t we?”

“Of course,” Rafael responded with a gentle smile, stomach still going for the gold in gymnastics.

“So why didn’t you tell me?”

“Look, Sonny,” Rafael said with a sigh, setting his pen down so he could show Sonny he had his full attention, if nothing more. “Liv’s my best friend, and I haven’t even told her yet. Okay? It’s just…” He paused, trying to find the right words. “I’ve never been friends with colleagues before. Not really. It’s not something I’m accustomed to, yet.”

“Would you have told me?”

“I like to think I would have, one day. When this didn’t feel so new.”

Sonny beamed at that, and the sight of it seemed to make Rafael’s anxiety slip away, a warmth spreading throughout him.  _Someone outside of his immediate circle knew._

“Who is she?”

“ _He_ ,” Rafael corrected, smirking at the way a blush settled across Sonny’s cheeks, his eyes going slightly wide, “is Trevor Langan.”

“The defense attorney?” Sonny half shouted, eyes going impossibly wider.

“The one and only,” Rafael deadpanned, picking up his pen again to tend to his notes.

“How–”

“I thought you were here to help me, Carisi, not hinder.”

“Right.” Rafael glanced up to see the crestfallen look on Sonny’s face, but he held back the flurry of guilt he felt. “Sorry. Of course.”

After five impossibly long minutes of silence, Rafael added, “He’s a good man, Sonny. You should meet him. Properly. Outside of work.”

“I’d like that,” Sonny said quietly, a soft smile on his face.


	7. Carmisi - Sonny Talks to the Squad About Proposing to Carmen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sonny talks to the squad about proposing to Carmen
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170896097997/sonny-talks-to-the-squad-about-proposing-to-carmen

“I’m gonna do it,” Sonny said suddenly, throwing his pen down on his desk.

“Do what?” Amanda asked, quirking a brow at him as she pressed her pen to her lips.

“Propose. I’m gonna propose.” As he said it, his stomach swooped with nerves.

“Yeah? Good for you, man.”

“You gonna take her somewhere fancy?”

“I…Hadn’t through that far.”

“It’d better be nice. You know how girls are,” Fin said with a teasing grin, abandoning his own paperwork to give the conversation his full attention. Sonny regretted opening his mouth.

“Carmen’s not…She’s different.”

“Everyone wants nice things, Sonny,” Amanda said, turning to look at Fin with a matching grin.

“I know that.”

“So, watcha gonna do?”

“I haven’t thought that far! I just…Blurted it out.”

“Well…How about her favorite restaurant, your best suit…”

“God, no, not in public,” Sonny said with a cringe, covering his face with his hands.

“Why not, man? Carmen’s not a girl to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not ashamed of her. She just wouldn’t–”

“She’s ashamed of you. That makes more sense,” Amanda said with a smirk, earning a laugh from Fin.

“ _No_ ,” Sonny breathed out, feeling a tension headache brewing already. “She’s understated. She’s not a fan of surprises or grand gestures or stereotypical romance, and she wouldn’t want an audience.

“She does nice things for me, because she knows I like them, but I stopped surprising her with flowers and jewelry and whatnot ages ago – she’s just not a fan of all that. She likes coming home to me, to a nice cooked meal, to a new pair of socks because I thought the pattern was cute and I knew she’d agree.

“She likes a quiet night in with her favorite food and a good book. She likes private romance, but not big, public gestures, y’know?”

“I think you found your answer,” Fin said with a shrug, eyes returning to his paperwork.

“What?”

“You just told us what she likes. So cook her her favorite meal, curl up next to her on the lounge, pull the ring out, and propose,” Amanda explained, tapping her pen against her desk.

“Just like that?” Sonny asked, face flushing slightly as doubt crept to the forefront of his mind.

“Just like that.”

“And what if she says no?”

“Seriously? Have you seen the way she looks at you? It’s like the sun shines outta your ass or something. You’re good,” Fin said with a wave of his hand, not even bothering to glance up.

Amanda snickered, but at the look of utter panic she must’ve seen on Sonny’s face, she smiled softly at him, nodding. “Trust me, he’s not just teasing. She loves you.”


	8. Domestic Carmisi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Domestic Carmisi
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170898711762/domestic-carmisi

Carmen could hear Sinatra playing all the way from down the hall, the tune dulled by the walls that separated them, though unmistakably him. She felt certain, as she walked toward their apartment, that Sonny was cooking, swooping between pots and the bench, humming along to ‘Fly Me To The Moon’.

As she drops her keys on the stand beside the front door, she can hear him half singing to himself, and she feels the smile form on her face as a warmth fills her up.  _Home. This is home._

“Smells amazing,” She calls over the music as she makes her way into the kitchen.

“Wanna taste the sauce?” He offers, holding out the wooden spoon to her.

She moans, just a little, at the rich, creamy sauce that hits her tongue. “It’s perfect.”

“You always say that,” he teases, nudging her with his hip as he returns to the pots.

“‘Cause it’s always true.”

He laughs, stirring the pot before dropping the spoon onto the bench in favor of wrapping his arms around her and spinning her around. Caught unawares, she shrieks, gripping onto him so she doesn’t fall over.

“Honestly, you might kill me one day,” she teases, jabbing him in the chest, though allowing her to sway with her around the kitchen.

“Doubt it,” he whispers, leaning in to capture her lips.

“Mmm,” she hums against his lips, giving him another peck before pulling back. “I’m starving, so I hope you’re nearly done with that.” She raises her eyebrows, nodding in the direction of the stove.

“Yes, ma’am.” He straightened into a mock salute, causing her to roll her eyes, before he returned to the stove. “Go get comfortable. It will be on the table by the time you come back out.”


	9. Bangan Librarian AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Librarian Bangan AU
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170930103602/librarian-rafael-bangan-au

Rafael pinched the bridge of his nose, heaving a sigh as he tried to focus on the book he was reading and not on the screaming child a few feet away from him. The child had been crying for at least ten minutes now. He still wasn’t sure on the etiquette of asking a mother with a noisy child to obey the rule of quiet in the library, or leave, so he preferred to ignore the situation altogether.

However, today had been long, full of people getting up in his face about not having certain books or study materials, and the headache that was now blooming across his forehead had been brewing all day. He was in desperate need of a coffee and he wasn’t allowed to drink any at his workstation.

“Why the fuck am I the only one stuck at this desk?” He muttered to himself, taking a deep, steadying breath in an attempt to calm himself.

“Um. Perhaps I should come back?” Said a deep voice, causing him Rafael to jump slightly, eyes wide as he looked up.

The man was tall, and terribly handsome, which would have been intimidating if it weren’t for his soft smile and his gentle, gray, concerned eyes.

“No,” Rafael said with a small shake of his head, smiling easily for the first time all day. “What can I help you with?”

“I’m looking for ‘The Vesuvius Club’ by Mark Gatiss, but, erm, I can’t seem to find it?” The man poised it as a question, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably, though he still smiled warmly at Rafael.

“Sure,” he breathed out, feeling slightly winded from being under the attention of someone so ridiculously attractive. It took him two seconds to find the book in the system and see that they only had one copy, and it was with someone. “Er, we have it, but it hasn’t come back yet.”

“Oh. That’s fine.”

“I can take your name and number and alert you when the book has been returned?” He suggested, face growing hot, though he wasn’t quite sure why.

“That would be great,” the man said, face breaking out into a breath-taking grin. “Trevor Langan.” He pulled out a business card for a law firm, scribbling his mobile number on the back of it before handing it to Rafael.

Rafael’s hands brushed over the embossed lettering, his stomach squirming with nerves at what he was about to do. Just as he opened his mouth to ask Trevor on a date, the man cut him off.

“I hope you’ll call me sooner than that. Perhaps when you’ve finished work, for coffee?” Trevor suggested, the light blush creeping up his neck the only thing giving away his nerves.

“I’d love that,” Rafael replied, sounding breathless, even to his own ears. “I’ll call you.”

“Great.”

“Great.”


	10. Carmisi blind date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carmisi blind date
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170933159332/carmisi-blind-date-they-already-know-each-other

Sonny sat, fiddling with the coaster on the table, wishing he’d taken the waiter up on his offer for a glass of water. His mouth was dry, and he was aware of the unsteady rhythm of his heartbeat inside his chest, stuttering every time he heard the bell of the door to the cafe jingle.

He hadn’t wanted to go on a blind date, but his friends had gone to so much trouble to set it up for him, and really, it had been such a long time since he’d even had time to think about dating, let alone actually go on a real, proper date, that he’d ended up agreeing. He kept telling himself it would be nice, even though it would almost certainly not go anywhere. The hours he kept were hard for anyone to manage.

As the door chimed again, Sonny’s head whipped up. The flutter of yellow material made his heart literally skip a beat, and he felt his stomach swoop in anticipation. It was her. It had to be. The bright yellow sundress was what he was told to look out for. He glanced down at his phone, checking the time - spot on 1:00 pm, just as promised. Punctual and beautiful.

As he looked back up, his nerves doubled. Carmen. His blind date was Carmen. And as she locked eyes him, her own gaze drifting down to the single pink rose in his hand, he knew it wasn’t just a coincidence. Beautiful, smart, charming, incredible Carmen was his blind date, and he had to bite back the groan he felt bubbling up inside him. There was no way she would want to go through with this.

“Detective Carisi,” She said pleasantly, flashing him a smile as he stood up, almost knocking his own chair over in his haste.

“Carmen,” he breathed out, moving around to hand her the rose and pull out her chair for her.

She laughed as she took her seat, and he felt his stomach roll, his heart hammering away, and he prayed she couldn’t tell how nervous he actually was. Was she laughing at him, or simply their situation?

“Ever the gentleman,” she said softly, a teasing lilt to her voice.

“S’how I was raised,” he said with a shrug, re-claiming his own seat.

“So how do you know Billy, then?”

“Friend of a friend from Fordham,” he shrugged again, making eye contact with the waiter he’d spoken with earlier.

“Ah, of course. I know him from University. We studied together. Only for a little while. I wasn’t studying to be a lawyer, but we remained friends.”

“Right,” Sonny said with a small nod, unsure of what else to say.

“So,” Carmen began once the waiter had taken their orders. “Blind date, huh?”

“Can it really be called a blind date if I already know you?”

“Sure it can. We weren’t expecting each other.”

He felt his stomach swoop again, sure that she was hoping someone else would show up and was simply being polite.

“Yeah, look…I’ll pay for this, and it can be just as friends, and we can pretend it never happened, if you’d rather?”

Her eyes narrowed on him, brow furrowed, and he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, picking at the coaster again for something to do.

“Why would I want that?”

“Well…I just…You were expecting someone else.”

“I didn’t know who I was expecting.”

“No, but you weren’t expecting me.”

An uncomfortable silence settled between them, and Sonny refused to look up and meet her gaze. Eventually, her hands covered his own, causing his eyes to shoot up in shock, more than anything else.

“I wasn’t expecting you. To be honest, I was expecting a disaster. You’re better,” she said softly, her expression open and honest.

“Yeah?” He asked, feeling hope ignite in his chest, his stomach fluttering with a different kind of nerves now, as he tentatively turned his hand over to link their fingers together.

“Yes,” she said with a firm nod, giving his hand a small squeeze before releasing it to take a sip of water. “You’re the highlight of my day, Sonny Carisi.”

Sonny felt as though his heart were about to burst as a face-splitting grin spread across his cheeks. His enthusiasm must have quelled her anxiety, because her smile grew from shy to exuberant, her whole face lighting up.

Sonny had never seen anything more beautiful.


	11. Carmisi Married Pre-Canon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carmisi married pre canon
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/170934267932/carmisi-married-pre-canon

“Carisi, drop some files off at Barba’s office on your way home?” Liv asked, dumping a stack of files on his desk without waiting for an answer.

“Sure Lieu!” He agreed, glancing at the clock, eagerly checking how long he had left on his shift.

He could hear Fin and Amanda snickering, and snuck a look out of the corner of his eye. Amanda was leaning on Fin’s desk, nudging his shoulder. He rolled his eyes, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth, and ignored them.

“You’re eager to go see Barba,” Amanda commented, feigning nonchalance as she sauntered over to Sonny’s desk.

He shrugged in reply, keeping his attention on the forms he was filling out in regards to their latest case.

“Why so eager, hm?” She prodded, perching on the edge of his desk, leaning in to catch his eye.

“Barba’s not so bad,” he said with a laugh, locking eyes with Amanda for a moment before looking back down at his half-filled form.

“Clearly, what, with how often you’re putting your hand up to go over there.”

“It’s not that often.”

“It really is,” Fin piped up.

“They have bets on what you do in your lunch break,” Liv poked her head out of her office to say, leaning against the door-frame to gauge their reaction.

“Fin reckons you two are already sleeping together,” Amanda said with a smirk, and Sonny felt his face heat up.

“Yeah, Amanda thinks you’re just fawning over him, bringing him lunch whenever you can,” Fin said with a laugh. “I think you’re better than that.”

“Erm, thanks?” Sonny said, trying his best to focus on his work instead of the teasing that had started up. His face was growing hotter by the second.

“So, which is it? Spill!” Amanda urged, shoving him playfully, her eyes sparkling mischievously.

“My bet’s on neither,” Liv said quietly, entering the room properly, and Sonny saw the soft, knowing smile on her face.

“Then you would be correct,” he said quietly, giving up on his paperwork in favor of gathering his belongings slowly.

“Nope. No. Nuh-uh. You’re not getting off that easily,” Amanda said, grabbing his arm.

“I’m married,” he said bluntly, using the shock caused as an opportunity to escape. He caught Liv’s eye on his way out, giving her a small, subtle nod, which she returned.

–

“Rafael in?” He asked, warmth filling him at the smile Carmen gave him on his arrival.

“Yeah. You can go right in.”

Sonny rapped lightly on the door to Barba’s office before opening the door.

“Paperwork,” he said, waggling the stack of files in his hand as he crossed the room to Rafael’s desk.

“I would thank you, but you’re stealing my assistant early,” Rafael grumbled, taking the files from his hand.

“You’re welcome,” he chirped, grinning at the fond eye roll he received from the ADA.

“All good?” Carmen asked as she shrugged her coat on.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said before swooping in to capture her lips. “Or else Rafael might get a show.”


	12. Carmisi Caught in the Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carmisi caught in the rain
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/171048259757/carmisi-caught-in-the-rain

It felt like a split second between bright, sunny skies, to the sky literally opening up on her. Within seconds, she was soaked to the bone, and she still had a good ten minutes left of her walk home.

A small, frustrated groan left her lips as she ran a hand through her mess of curls, wincing at how damp and flat they felt.

Suddenly, a figure was by her side, and the rain was no longer hitting her head. She glanced up at the umbrella over her head before turning to look at its owner.

“Not much help now, is it, Detective?” She deadpanned, eyebrow raised.

“Better late than never,” he said with a small shrug, flashing her a smile.

At the sight of his dimples, she felt her sour mood dissolve instantly, and within seconds she was smiling back.

“Thought you could do with a ride,” he suggested, gesturing to his car that was parked illegally in front of them.

“Only if you’ll stick around for a coffee,” she suggested boldly, sliding into the passenger seat once he’d opened the door.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”


	13. Carmisi “Is this okay?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmisi “Is this okay?”
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172440400457/carmisi-is-this-okay

Sonny traced his finger lightly up Carmen’s thigh, relishing in the gooseflesh left behind. She shifted slightly, inching a little closer to him, but didn’t look up from her book. He ran his finger along the waistband of her underwear, dipping a finger under the elastic briefly before letting it snap back against her skin, looking up at her for some kind of reaction. **  
**

“Sonny–-”

“It’s been two weeks, Carmen,” he complained, voice sounding whiny even to his own ears.

“And the doctor said no rigorous activity for at least a month,” she responded, voice stern, her eyes still not lifting from her book.

“I miss you.”

“I’m right here,” she said quietly, face softening before she placed her book down on her side table.

“You’ve barely touched me since you hugged me in that hospital bed.”

“Since you got shot,” she reminded him, brushing his cheek lightly with the back of her knuckles. “And I hurt you more.”

He caught her hand in his own, pressing a kiss to her palm, then her wrist, dragging her towards him as he pressed kisses along the inside of her arm, stopping at her elbow. “You didn’t.”

“I did,” she insisted, causing him to sigh.

“Yeah, you did,” he relented, “but I didn’t mind. I wanted you. I want you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” he said softly, propping himself up on his elbow, wincing a little as the skin around the bullet wound in his side stretched. “Kiss me.”

Carmen leaned in tentatively, cupping his jaw with both her hands as he reached up with his spare hand, pressing his fingers into her hair. She nudged her nose against his lightly before pressing a kiss to his lips, feather-light, before he pulled her in against him, deepening the kiss.

“Sonny,” she began, voice muffled by his lips as she pulled away. “I don’t think–-”

“I just wanna hold you, Carmen. Be with you. I wanna feel you,” he pleaded, sliding his hand down to her waist. “It fucking kills me to have you so close and yet so far”

Carmen sighed before reaching down, playing with the hem of his shirt. Slowly, cautiously, she lifted it up his torso, waiting for him to lean forward before pulling it over his head. “You tell me if I hurt you,” she warned.

Sonny nodded, fingers ghosting across her skin as she removed her own shirt. She leaned in, pressing her body against his, and he shuddered slightly, pulling her in closer as her breasts pressed against his chest.

“I love you,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

“You love me naked,” she teased, nipping at his collarbone before kissing him on the lips, much deeper than last time.

“I love you naked,” he agreed with a laugh, breath hitching as she sucked at his neck. “I love you always.”

“Shh,” she whispered, kissing along his collarbone and down his chest, resettling herself across his legs.

Once she reached his belly button, her fingers ghosted across the gauze covering his side before she pressed a feather-light kiss over the top of it.

 **“Is this okay?”** she asked, breath tickling the hairs below his navel as she reached for the waistband of his briefs.

“Yes,” he breathed out, letting his head fall back against the headboard with a thud.


	14. Bangan Blind Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172430906512/bangan-blind-date

Rafael took a deep breath before entering the bar, his stomach fluttering with nerves. He couldn’t, for the life of him, work out why he had agreed to a blind date. He was desperately hoping it would get his mother off his back, but in reality, he knew that would never happen. When this didn’t go well – and he knew that, inevitably, it wouldn’t –- then his mother would be nagging him about finding a partner again, despite agreeing to this. **  
**

His eyes scanned the half-full bar, looking for a man with a maroon tie and a glass of scotch waiting for him. When his eyes settled on Trevor Langan, smiling at him bashfully, eyes shining with uncertainty, he felt his heart leap into his throat. The defense attorney looked absolutely breathtaking as he stood to greet Rafael, cheeks flushed. He watched as Trevor’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, and his stomach flipped.

“Rafael,” he said softly, voice barely audible. “I didn’t know it would be you meeting me.”

Rafael felt his stomach drop, his uncertainty growing tenfold as he muttered a hasty apology.

“No need to apologize. It’s a pleasant surprise, I can assure you,” he said, flashing Rafael a shy smile. “I hope this is okay?”

“This is fine,” he breathed out, following Trevors lead and sliding into the booth after him.

Conversation flowed surprisingly easy after that. They managed to barely talk about work, and mostly talk about their experiences in college, their childhoods, and how they came to be pressured into a blind date. All too soon it was over, and Rafael found himself desperately wishing their evening didn’t have to end.

“This was nice,” Trevor said quietly, placing a hand on the small of Rafael’s back as he led him out the door. His skin burned under the touch, even through three layers of clothing. “I’d like to do it again?”

Rafael turned to look at him, impossibly tall and entirely too handsome. “I’d like that too.”

Trevor smiled, leaning into his space a little more, his hand resting on Rafael’s shoulder. He could see the uncertainty in the defense attorney’s face, so he made the decision for him, reaching up to pull Trevor’s face towards his. When their lips met, his heart threatened to leap out of his chest. He couldn’t help but smile, pleased when he felt it mirrored on the other man’s lips.

“Call me,” Rafael whispered, sliding a business card into Trevor’s pocket before releasing him, turning away without looking back.

He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face if he tried.


	15. Bangan "The only thing I can do is love you!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The only thing I can do is love you!”
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172429941027/80-the-only-thing-i-can-do-is-love-you-and

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set post 19x13

Trevor let himself into Rafael’s apartment, their favorite Chinese takeout and a bottle of scotch in hand. He knew it couldn’t take the sting out of the day's events, but he also knew that, despite it being a hard decision, Rafael wanted –- needed –- to leave the DA’s office. Still, he expected to have to lift his partner's mood.

What he hadn’t expected was to find a hoard of empty boxes practically blocking his path to the living room.

“Raf?” he called out, toeing a few aside to make his path easier.

“Trevor.”

He turned towards the surprised voice to see Rafael standing at the entrance to his home office. He was still in the clothes he’d worn to the office, but the suspenders were hanging from his hips, his shirt was half untucked, his tie was loose and crooked, and the top two buttons of his shirt were undone. He looked a mess, and if Trevor wasn’t so concerned, he’d find it utterly endearing.

“You okay?” He asked, more out of a need to be polite than anything else. The answer was becoming increasingly obvious as Rafael tried to pat down the odd strands of hair that were sticking up on his head before moving stiffly around him to the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of scotch on his way past. Rafael was drunk and trying to hide it.

“I’m fine. What are you doing here?” Rafael asked as he poured them both a drink.

“I figured today was tough. I wanted to bring you dinner,” Trevor replied as he walked into the kitchen, setting the bag of food on the table to find plates.

“How kind of you,” Rafael muttered, voice laced with sarcasm. Still, he reached into the bag to take out the containers.

“The least I could do,” Trevor said with an awkward shrug, handing Rafael a plate before opening the fried rice.

The silence between them was heavy as they loaded their plates up and took their meals into the living room, Rafael bringing the bottle with him. There was too much space between them when they sat down. It was just enough that their thighs weren’t touching, but to Trevor, it felt like a gaping chasm, and he felt his stomach twist with unease.

“What’s with all the boxes?” He finally asked, eyes studying Rafael carefully.

Rafael sighed, placing his plate on the coffee table before turning to face Trevor, eyes serious and expression somber.

“I’m leaving,” he said quietly, as though that explained everything.

“Leaving…for good?" Rafael took a deep breath in, and Trevor felt his stomach swoop with anticipation. “Don’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t go. Don’t leave,” Trevor knew he sounded desperate, but he didn’t care as he discarded his own food, leaning into Rafael’s space.

“Trevor, I-–”

“Please.”

“Trevor,” Rafael’s voice broke, and he cleared his throat, not meeting Trevor’s eyes. “You deserve someone whole, someone untarnished. Someone who’s not going to be seen for the rest of their life as a baby killer. You deserve someone who can give you the world, and I can’t do that.”

“Rafael-–”

“I’m damaged goods, Trevor. I’ll ruin your reputation. I have nothing to offer you.”

Trevor stared, stunned for a moment, before reaching out to take Rafael’s hands in his.

 **“The only thing I can do is love you,”** Rafael whispered, staring down at their hands. “I have nothing. I am nothing.”

Trevor huffed out a laugh, shaking his head as he brought a hand up to Rafael’s face, tilting his chin up just enough for their lips to meet.

“All I can ask is that you love me,” Trevor whispered, lips ghosting across Rafael’s. “It’s all I want –- all I need.”

“No, Trevor, you-–”

“It’s you and me. That’s enough.”

Rafael looked at Trevor through his lashes, eyes wet and wide and desperate.

“I love you,” Trevor whispered, pressing a kiss to Rafael’s forehead. “Please don’t go.”

Rafael gave a small nod, and Trevor pulled him against his chest, running a hand up and down his back as Rafael’s breath hitched.

They had a long way to go, but Rafael loved him, and to Trevor, that was everything.


	16. Bangan - Trevor Takes Rafael Somewhere Unusual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/171371627307/trevor-takes-rafael-somewhere-unusual

“I have a surprise for you.”

Rafael glanced up from the book he was reading, narrowing his eyes at the borderline guilty expression on his partner’s face. 

“Go on,” Rafael encouraged, neatly placing his bookmark inside the page as Trevor stood there, lips twitching with a hesitant smile.

“A date,” he elaborated.

“Normally when you take me out you don’t look so nervous about it,” Rafael said pointedly, placing his book down as he sat up straighter.

“Do you trust me?”

“No.”

Trevor laughed, extending his hand, which Rafael took with a huff and an eye roll.

* * *

 

As the cab drove on, their surroundings looking more and more industrial, Rafael felt a sense of unease fill him up.

“If what you have in mind requires physical exertion I’m taking this cab back home,” Rafael warned.

Trevor laughed, eyes glued out the window. “Patience.”

“If you’re planning on killing me your defense will have a hard time proving your innocence.”

“Stop being dramatic.”

“You’re the one with the secrets!” He half-shouted as the cab pulled up outside a building covered in artsy graffiti.

Trevor paid the driver and opened Rafael’s door for him when he refused to get out.

“Rafael,” Trevor warned with a sigh, extending his hand.

Reluctantly, Rafael took the proffered hand, allowing Trevor to drag him towards a building that definitely looked like a warehouse – not his first choice for a date.

“It’s a body painting class,” Trevor said in a rush, sounding almost breathless as a blush crept up his neck.

“A body painting class?”

“UV.”

“Right.”

“It’s stupid. I just thought–-”

“Shut up and let’s get it over with,” Rafael said with a sigh.

After the paints and techniques were explained to them and they went off to experiment, Rafael felt his nerves bubble up inside of him.

“I can’t paint,” he hissed, grabbing hold of the taller man's hand.

“Neither can I,” Trevor said with a laugh, squeezing Rafael’s hand. “I figured it’d be more sensual than anything else. I can paint on you first, if you like?”

Rafael nodded, allowing Trevor to remove his shirt, feeling somewhat self-conscious in a room full of people, even with the lights off.

The first touch of paint was cool on his skin, but it warmed up the more Trevor played around with it. He felt himself relax into Trevor’s touch; it felt almost like a massage, but different, more intimate somehow. He could see the lines and streaks across his body, a glowing representation of Trevor’s hands on him.

“I want to try,” he whispered, breath heavy as he took in the glow running across his skin.

Wordlessly, Trevor moved back, a small smile on his face as he took in the sight of Rafael.

Rafael leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of Trevor’s mouth before leaning back and taking hold of the tube of blue UV paint. Gently, he spread it across Trevor’s chest, admiring the way his partner’s body glowed under his touch. He felt the hairs on his arms rise as a shiver ran down his spine. He hadn’t imagined this could be so enjoyable, so sensual, so borderline sexual.

“God, you’re beautiful,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to Trevor’s shoulder as he swirled some pink into the blue.

If he were being completely honest with himself, he was making a mess. Trevor had marked him in a beautiful array of swirls and patterns. His body looked like a galaxy, lit up bright and vibrant – a true work of art. Trevor, on the other hand, was resembling little more than a sticky mess, and yet Rafael couldn’t even seem to care.

“Can we leave?” He whispered against Trevor’s ear, running his paint-slicked hands along the other man's back.

“We should shower fi-–”

“If we shower here, I’m fucking you here,” Rafael growled, grinding down against the taller man, just briefly, pleased to find him half-hard as well.

“Yeah. Yeah, let’s go,” he whispered breathlessly, allowing Rafael to pull him up off the ground, haphazardly pulling his shirt back on as they left the building.


	17. Bangan - Run into Liv on a date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/171190149537/bangan-run-into-liv-on-a-date-liv-doesnt-know

Rafael pressed a chaste kiss to Trevor’s lips, a promise of more as he ran his thumb along Trevor’s cheekbone before he took his seat on the opposite side of the table.

“Sorry I’m late,” he murmured, picking up the menu.

“I ordered you a scotch,” Trevor nodded towards the drinks coming their way, and Rafael felt himself relax properly, for the first time that day.

“Trevor Langan?”

Rafael froze at the sound of a familiar voice, and he watched as Trevor’s face went from his usual pleased smile to something far more uncomfortable.

“Olivia,” Trevor said quietly, attempting to school his expression.

Rafael was literally holding his breath, eyeing Trevor over the menu he was holding, a vague sense of panic bubbling up inside him. He wasn’t sure he was ready for Liv to find out about Trevor - not yet anyway - but it seemed he had no choice.

Without even looking, he could sense Liv’s sudden hesitation when she realized who Trevor was sitting with. He breathed out heavily before turning, a forced smile on his face, to look at her.

“Liv. Fancy seeing you here,” he said pointedly.

“I was thinking the same thing,” she said with a laugh, eyes comically wide as she took in the sight of them.

“If you don’t mind-–”

“Don’t think you’re getting away with not discussing this, Rafa,” she cut him off with a smirk. “Pleasure as always, Trevor.”

Before Rafael or Trevor could react, she was gone, grabbing her order from the waiter that was heading in her direction.

“I’m sorry, Rafael, I should-–”

“It’s not your fault,” he said quietly, reaching out to take his partner's hand. “Besides, it’s a conversation long overdue.”


	18. Bangan "I don't care what anyone else thinks"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172683708472/i-dont-care-what-anyone-else-thinks-bangan

Better late than never. That’s what Trevor told himself as he made his way to Rafael’s office the same afternoon Rafael was found ‘not guilty’.

Better late than never.

He knocked quickly on the prosecutor’s door before he could think better of it, taking a small step back.

“It’s open.”

Trevor took a deep breath in before opening the door. He’d expected to see Rafael sitting at his desk writing notes, or sitting on the lounge pouring over notes, if he was even there at all. What he hadn’t been expecting was to see the office half-empty, with boxes full of books littering every available surface.

“Mr. Langan,” Rafael said, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“They fired you?” Trevor blurted out before thinking, eyes wide as he took in the unfamiliar sight.

“Can’t have a baby killer working at the DA’s office,” Rafael quipped with a tired smile, sliding another book into a box.

“You’re not–”

“I quit,” Rafael cut him off, coming around the stacks of boxes to stand in front of Trevor. “It was time.”

Trevor gave a small nod of his head. He wanted to argue, to tell him he couldn’t leave, but the decision was made, and he doubted Rafael had made the decision lightly, even if his hand had been forced somewhat.

“Court won’t be the same without you,” he said with a small smile.

Rafael studied him for a moment before a half-hearted smirk twisted his lips. “I never knew you cared.”

“Have dinner with me?” It had been what he’d come here to ask, but he hadn’t meant to ask it at that exact moment. However, the words were out, and Rafael was staring at him like there was something seriously wrong with him. Maybe there was. “Please?”

“Why?”

Trevor took a deep breath, studying his shoes as he searched for the right words. “Because I like you. My timing may be off, but it’s what I came here to ask. Before I knew you’d quit.”

Slowly, he raised his eyes, meeting Rafael’s stunned gaze.

“You want to go to dinner with me? As in a date?” Rafael asked, voice wavering slightly with uncertainty.

Trevor nodded. “If that’s okay.”

“You want to go on a date with the ex ADA that killed a baby?”

“You were found not guilty, if the rumors are true,” Trevor said with a smile.

Rafael’s face twisted into something bitter, and he looked away, turning back to his half-full box of legal books. “People still view me as a baby killer. I’m damaged goods now.”

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” Trevor insisted, voice pleading as he reached out to grab hold of Rafael’s wrist. “Have dinner with me, please.”

He could feel the hesitation radiating of Rafael in waves, but when the ADA looked up, there was only hope in his eyes, a small, albeit sad smile gracing his lips.

“Okay,” he whispered, taking a small step back towards Trevor, sliding his wrist out of the attorney’s grasp so they were holding hands, instead. “I’d like that.”

“Great,” Trevor breathed out, sagging a little with relief. “Tonight?”

Rafael gave a small nod, his smile growing.

Better late than never.


	19. ReaderxSonny - Post Episode 19x2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader comforting Sonny after the events of S19E02 tumblr prompt.
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/166103260162/can-you-write-the-reader-comforting-sonny-after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just noticed this one got left behind in my Barisi drabbles set??? So whoops it belongs here.

“Hold the lift!” You called breathlessly, struggling to run the rest of the way with your shopping bags. **  
**

When you saw Sonny holding the elevator door for you, you smiled, body actually sagging a little with the relief that you wouldn’t have to awkwardly thank a stranger and make small talk.

It was just as the lift chugged to life that you noticed the dampness that seemed to have set into Sonny’s hair and clothing.

“Chasing down perps in the rain?” You teased, leaning against the wall next to him.

“Yeah,” he huffed out in response, pushing his loose strands of hair back into place, only to have them fall in his eyes once more.

You felt concern bubble up inside you at his lack of response. Sonny was never one to back down from a conversation. It had irritated you when you first met, but you were quick to grow comfortable with letting him do all the talking once you realised he was okay with your silence. The man just liked to talk. But not today.

“Rough day?”

He just shrugged his shoulders in response, pushing himself off the wall as the lift signalled their arrival at their floor. Something was definitely wrong, and silence was your first clue.

Your second clue came when he simply wished you a good evening, instead of offering to help you with your shopping. It wasn’t that you couldn’t handle them on your own - it was just that he always offered. Sonny was always eager to please and always offering a helping hand, whenever he could, even when you could see the exhaustion clear as day behind his eyes.

Your third, and most obvious clue of all, came when he didn’t even offer you a smile as he entered his own apartment. He just left you fumbling for your keys without so much as a backwards glance. No dimply grin with a witty quip. No tired smile expressing relief to be home. Not even a hint of a sparkle in his eye as he slid into his apartment.

–

An hour and a half later, and you were knocking on your neighbour’s door, balancing two plates of food and a six pack of Sonny’s favourite beer. Which you knew - of course you knew - the two of you drank together often enough.

Sonny opened the door with a small sigh, his hair now damp and soft from a shower, instead of the rain. His eyes were still dull, though, and he barely managed a smile.

“Y/N, look, I’m not really-”

“Just let me feed you,” you interrupted. “If you don’t wanna eat together, I’ll go. And if you don’t wanna talk, you don’t have to. But at least take the damn food.”

Sonny hesitated for a brief moment before grabbing both plates so you could rescue the slowly slipping six-pack from under your arm, and headed inside, motioning his head in invitation.

Once you were both settled on his sofa, food almost gone and some trash TV you were both pretending to be completely absorbed in playing, you chanced a sympathetic glance. A glance that told him you were more than willing to listen, if he wanted to talk.

“It’s stupid,” he said quietly, voice muffled slightly by the bottle that was raised to his lips.

“Doesn’t matter. You’re upset. That’s the bit that matters.”

He sighed, setting his nearly empty plate aside on the coffee table so he could lean back into the cushions.

“I let a perp die.”

The sentence was blunt, and it caused your breath to catch in your throat for a second, but you said nothing. You just gave him a small, encouraging smile that he probably didn’t see.

“He fell. There was nothing I could do. But I tried, Y/N. I tried. He just slipped out of my grasp.”

His voice shook as he spoke, and he looked away from you as he gave a wet-sounding laugh.

“It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. He’d raped two women, and we caught him just before he raped a third. He was scum. He-” Sonny broke off as his voice rose and sighed, shaking his head. “I dunno, as I said. It’s stupid.”

You took a moment to set both your plate and drink aside, moving a little closer, though still not touching him.

“Sonny,” you began quietly, tentatively, not entirely sure what the right thing to say was. “You saw someone die. More than that, you thought you could prevent it, and you didn’t. Of course you’re upset. It’s not stupid. It doesn’t make it your fault, but what you’re feeling isn’t stupid.”

Sonny was quiet for a moment, his gaze resting away from you so you couldn’t quite see his face properly. He sucked in a deep breath and downed the rest of his beer before turning to face you. His eyes were dry, but so heart-wrenchingly sad that he may as well have been crying anyway, for the way it made your stomach twist.

“He just slipped.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know, I just…” he shook his head, giving you a pained smile, which you returned.

“Come here,” you said gently, shifting towards him slightly so you could rest a hand on his shoulder.

After a moment’s hesitation, he slid towards you, closing the distance so he could rest his head on your shoulder.

You wrapped your arms around him - tight - and pressed a kiss to the top of his head before resting your cheek there.

“Still feels stupid,” he mumbled.

You huffed out a laugh, running your hand gently up and down his arm in what you hoped was a soothing manner.

“Guilt rarely makes sense. Especially when we know we have nothing to be guilty for.”

Sonny hummed in agreement before reaching for the remote. Once he’d picked a movie, he settled back into your arms, a move which both surprised and pleased you.

“Thanks,” he said softly after what felt like ages, his head angled up so he could see you.

You looked down, meeting his eyes which finally, finally had a touch of their usual light.

“You’re welcome.”


	20. Bangan Holiday post 19x13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172709014637/trevor-taking-rafael-on-a-holiday-after-he-quits

“The whole point of a holiday is to sleep in,” Rafael muttered as he made his way out onto the balcony, squinting against the sunlight bouncing off the water.

“It’s the middle of the day,” Trevor said with a fond smile, reaching behind him to take Rafael’s hand in his own.

“Exactly. And I just woke up. You, on the other hand, have been up for at least four hours.” He took his seat beside Trevor at the small table, dumping a mug of coffee in front of his partner while cradling his own to his chest.

Warmth spread throughout Trevor’s chest as he reached out to take the coffee mug. He knew it was such a small gesture, but from Rafael upon just waking up, it might as well have been proposing on top of a mountain with a full orchestra. “That’s a sleep in for me.”

“Not the same,” Rafael muttered, but he was smiling to himself as he looked out over the water.

Trevor couldn’t help himself. He reached out, playing with the hairs sticking up at odd angles on Rafael’s head before patting them back into place

“I love you,” he said quietly, reaching out to take Rafael’s hand in his own.

He watched, heart pounding against his ribs, as Rafael looked down at their hands, staring for what felt like an eternity. He didn’t think the declaration should come as a surprise, and he was almost certain his partner felt the same, but the longer Rafael remained silent, the more his chest ached.

“I love you too,” Rafael whispered eventually, his voice hoarse. When he looked up, his eyes were shining with unshed tears.

“The added agony of waiting for that really didn’t make it worthwhile,” Trevor teased, a little breathless with relief as he leaned forward to cup Rafael’s cheek.

“I wasn’t expecting…I didn’t think…”

He thought he should feel a sense of pride in rendering Rafael Barba speechless. Instead, he felt his stomach twist with something he couldn’t quite name.

“How could you not know?” Trevor moved from his seat, dropping to his knees in front of Rafael as the other man closed his eyes against the tears that were threatening to fall. “Rafael, you’re everything I ever wanted, and more. Of course I love you. How could you doubt that?”

“It’s not you I doubt,” he laughed wetly, covering Trevor’s hand with his own. “I felt sure this was a goodbye holiday.”

Trevor felt his stomach drop, and he turned his hand to grip Rafael’s tightly. “Rafael, look at me.”

Rafael took a deep breath, releasing it slowly before opening his eyes, now red-rimmed and still shining.

“Why would you think that?”

Rafael laughed bitterly, dropping his head to look down at their hands that were now resting in his lap. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does,” Trevor whispered, running his thumb across the back of Rafael’s hand. “Why would you think that?”

They stayed silent for a while, Rafael’s breathing a little uneven while Trevor continued to stroke the back of his hand, waiting patiently.

“I’ve lost my career, my reputation, and my purpose. I’m directionless now. I don’t know what’s next. It would make sense for you to not want to be a part of that,” he said eventually, voice wavering just a little.

Trevor watched Rafael’s jaw twitch and his Adam’s apple bob repeatedly with the effort it was taking to hold it together, and he felt suddenly helpless.

“I love you because of who you are, not what you do with your life, Rafael,” he said quietly, voice measured as he felt a lump forming in his throat. “This holiday was about that. About just being us. No work, no city, no comments from people who know us. Just you and me.”

“It’s rather obvious when you put it like that,” Rafael said with a small laugh, reaching out to cup Trevor’s jaw with his spare hand.

“Should have been obvious from the start,” he said quietly, turning his head to press a kiss to Rafael’s palm. “I’m never going to leave you. I’m in this for the long haul, if you’ll have me.”

Rafael nodded, hand running around the back of Trevor’s head, through his hair as he leaned forward, pressing a firm kiss to his lips. “I’d be mad to say no.”


	21. Bangan - “I deserve an explanation!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172712044377/bangan-i-deserve-an-explanation

Trevor felt like he’d been waiting forever to get his hands on his lover’s body. He pushed Rafael back onto the bed lightly, ready to remove his shirt, when he heard Rafael’s sharp intake of breath. He glanced up, fingers still on his top button, searching for an explanation.

“I’m getting old,” Rafael said with a laugh, removing his belt.

“I’m older than you,” Trevor pointed out, making quick work of his buttons before leaning down to capture Rafael’s lips with his own.

“I’m convinced you’re immortal,” Rafael mumbled against his lips, pushing his shirt down over his shoulders before reaching for his belt.

“Like a vampire?” Trevor teased, nipping at Rafael’s neck.

“If you turn this into a young adult novel, I’m leaving,” Rafael warned as he pushed Trevor’s pants down, grabbing his ass tightly, arching up for some kind of contact.

“I highly doubt that,” he whispered, taking Rafael’s earlobe between his teeth as he ground down against Rafael’s cock, their underwear the only barrier now.

Rafael moaned softly, tugging at the waistband of Trevor’s briefs, arching his body upward, before his hips snapped back to the bed, another hiss escaping his lips, this one more pained.

“Are you okay?” He asked, frowning as he rested back on his knees.

“I’m fine,” Rafael ground out, squeezing his eyes shut.

“That was convincing,” he deadpanned, reaching for the buttons of Rafael’s shirt.

Rafael batted his hands away, pushing himself up onto his elbows, reaching up for a kiss, but he stopped halfway, wincing in pain, though he tried to hide it. Before he could recover, Trevor pushed Rafael’s shirt up, blanching at the sight of the varying hues of green, blue and brown that littered his lover’s stomach and ribs.

“What happened?” He breathed out, fingers ghosting above bruised skin, too scared to touch.

“Nothing worth talking about,” Rafael muttered, closing his eyes as he lay back on the bed in defeat.

Trevor swallowed the lump in his throat as he unbuttoned Rafael’s shirt, revealing the full extent of his bruising. “You need to go to the hospital.”

“I’ve been.”

“Why didn’t you tell me,” he whispered, eyes stinging.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” Rafael said quietly, opening his eyes again.

“What happened?” He repeated more forcefully.

“Trevor, it’s not–”

“I deserve an explanation!” He shouted, blinking in surprise at his own outburst. “I deserve an explanation,” he repeated more quietly, running a finger down Rafael’s arm.

“A few years ago I sent this guy away for raping and murdering his wife. New evidence came up recently that suggested he didn’t do it, and the case has been re-opened,” Rafael explained quietly, playing with the waistband of Trevor’s underwear again, this time just for something else to focus on. “His brother decided to take it out on me.”

“What’s his name?”

“Trevor–”

“Give. Me. His. Name,” he ground out, gripping Rafael’s chin to force eye contact.

“No,” Rafael said firmly, bringing a hand up to cover Trevors gently. “I don’t want you getting involved. He had every right to–”

“He had absolutely no right to do this to you. Every right to be angry, yes, but no right to take it out on you.”

Trevor could hear his blood pounding in his ears, feel the unsteady rise and fall of his own chest, and he realized he was shaking as Rafael linked their fingers.

“I’m okay,” he whispered, reaching up with his spare hand to brush his knuckles across Trevor’s cheek.

Trevor closed his eyes, leaning into Rafael’s touch just a little as he let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m not angry with you.”

“I know,” Rafael said gently, guiding Trevor so they were laying beside each other, still holding hands.

Trevor pressed a kiss to Rafael’s shoulder before burying his face in Rafael’s neck, breathing him in.

“I love you,” he whispered, gripping Rafael’s hand a little tighter.

“I know,” Rafael said again, running his fingers up and down Trevor’s arm lightly. “I love you too.”


	22. Bangan - "Do you trust me?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172713787277/bangan-do-you-trust-me

Trevor froze for a moment, feeling a body pressed up behind him, before the familiar scent of Rafael’s cologne reached his nose, mingling with the scotch on his breath.

“What are you doing here?” He asked quietly, turning to look at Rafael, eyes heavy with alcohol, a lazy smile on his lips.

“I miss you,” he said quietly, leaning in for a sloppy kiss, which Trevor accepted with a laugh.

“I miss you too,” Trevor said softly, pressing another kiss to Rafael’s forehead.

They saw far more of each other since Rafael had left the DA’s office, but Trevor also suspected Rafael felt his loneliness more acutely than ever without a job to distract him. He’d considered asking Rafael to move in with him countless times, but it felt like too much too soon, and it wouldn’t stop the fact that Trevor was always at work, and Rafael was bored.

“Come home with me?” Rafael asked, tugging at Trevor’s arm.

Trevor sighed softly, turning to look at the papers he’d been going through, before giving Rafael a small nod. He doubted they’d be up to much, considering how drunk his partner seemed, so he figured he could get some work done once Rafael had fallen asleep.

Once they were out on the street, Rafael backed him into an alley, his back hitting the icy cold bricks with a slight thud, a rush of air escaping his lungs. Rafael leaned in close, reaching up on tiptoes while he dragged Trevor down to his height, pressing his lips against Trevor’s ear.

“Do you trust me?” He whispered, grabbing Trevor’s earlobe between his teeth as he slipped his thigh between Trevor’s legs.

“Not particularly,” Trevor said quietly, breath hitching a little at the unexpected friction. “You’re drunk.”

“Please,” Rafael scoffed, mouthing at his neck. “Even when I’m drunk I’m more in control than most people sober.”

“You keep telling yourself that,” Trevor said with a small laugh, which turned to a moan as Rafael ground against his steadily hardening cock.

He dropped his briefcase, opting to grab Rafael’s thighs to lift him up, relishing in the way Rafael’s legs wound around his body so easily. Rafael’s breathy moans went straight to his cock as he held Rafael close, breath hot on his neck.

“We should go home,” he whispered against his lover’s ear.

Rafael leaned back just far enough to press their lips together in a heated kiss before he nodded.

Once they were home, Trevor wasted no time in shedding his clothing and climbing on top of Rafael, peppering him with breathy, needy kisses.

“Is this okay?” He whispered, reaching down between them.

When Rafael didn’t respond, he paused, pushing himself up a little to get a better look at his lover’s face. A frustrated groan slipped past his lips as he realized Rafael had fallen asleep, face relaxed and peaceful.

“You gotta stop drinking so much, Rafael,” he muttered, rolling over to lay beside Rafael.

Once Trevor had cooled down enough, he rolled onto his side, pulling Rafael close to him, breathing in his scent.

“I love you,” he whispered into Rafael’s hair, hoping that somehow, in his sleep, he would take the information in.


	23. Carmisi - "I've been changed for good."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/172714989042/carmisi-ive-been-changed-for-good

“Do you regret being with me?” **  
**

Sonny knew the question seemed entirely out of the blue. He hadn’t quite meant for it to come out like that. There was meant to be some kind of build up, a discussion where the question seemed fitting, where it wouldn’t stand out starkly against the silence, boasting his insecurities.

“Of course not,” Carmen said quietly once the shock has worn off.

Sonny gave a small nod, his skin crawling with the awkwardness of the situation he’d put them in. It was supposed to be a nice weekend together, the first weekend he’d had off in ages. He wanted to be with her, be present, be everything he’d hoped he could be in a relationship if only his job didn’t demand his attention more often than not.

He let her take a hold of his hand, and gave her the softest smile he could manage; a smile he hoped told her he was fine, that he loved her, that this, right now, was all he ever wanted. The last thing he wanted was for his insecurities to feed her insecurities, of which he knew she had many, despite outward appearances.

He brought her hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles before holding her hand to his cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she whispered, running her thumb along his cheekbone. “Why would you think I had any regrets?”

Sonny sighed. He knew it was too much to expect no questions to be asked, not when he’d asked such a damning one himself.

“I’m sure this isn’t what you had planned for yourself,” he said quietly, pressing a kiss to the palm of her hand before dropping it. “I’m never here. Our schedule’s never line up. I can’t travel the world with you, I can’t take you on romantic getaways, I can’t even manage to be home for dinner most days of the week.”

Carmen paused their movie, turning to face him properly, her face pinched with concern. The sight of it made his heart ache. She should be smiling, laughing, moaning with pleasure on a private beach somewhere. Time off should mean a holiday, not two quiet days spent having quick morning sex and watching movies the rest of the day, with Sonny falling asleep on her more often than not.

“I had nothing planned for myself, Sonny. Not really. Not like this,” she said softly, taking his hand in hers again. “I never imagined I’d find someone I could fall in love with. I never imagined I’d want to share my life with someone. It was all about me…until I met you. You were funny, and ridiculous, and kind, and charming, and dedicated, and your heart was so big and so full of love and compassion. How could I ever want anything else?”

Sonny smiled, his throat growing tight as he looked down at their linked hands. He felt unworthy of the praise, but he couldn’t say that.

“I changed you,” he whispered, voice hoarse with the emotion he was trying to keep in check.

“I’ve been changed for good,” Carmen whispered back, giving his hand a small squeeze before pulling him toward her.

He followed her lead, allowing his head to rest on her chest as she ran her fingers through his hair. He swallowed hard, closing his eyes as tears threatened to fall.

“Where’s this come from?” She whispered against his ear, pressing a kiss into his hair.

“‘M just tired,” he said with an awkward shrug, wrapping his arms around her waist to hold her close.

“I chose you,” she said quietly, rubbing soothing circles on his back. “I knew what I was getting into when I chose to be with an SVU detective. Okay?”

He nodded, breathing in the comforting, familiar scent of her perfume. He felt undeserving, but he had to trust that she would make the right decision for herself, whether or not that included him.


	24. Bangan “I’ve waited for this moment for a long time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/173347674437/bangan-ive-waited-for-this-moment-for-a-long

Weddings were definitely not one of Rafael’s favorite things. He always attended out of a sense of obligation more than anything else, and the flow of free alcohol tended to keep him at the bar most of the night. Tonight was no exception. He’d lost count of how many drinks he’d had while he watched various couples dance and laugh and generally have a good time without him.

He’d watched Trevor Langan, too. Far more than he cared to admit.

They always found themselves in the same circles, always found themselves at the same events, and every time, without fail, Rafael’s eyes would find Trevor in a crowd and latch on, desperate for the courage to say something to him unprompted.

It wasn’t that they didn’t speak. They spoke a lot. Always about work, life, ambitions – all the usual talk, but with none of the usual showboating. That’s what Rafael liked most about Trevor. He didn’t seem to be filled with the same need to show off, to flash his money around, to one-up whatever story someone was telling him. He didn’t feel a need to sass and flaunt and argue for the sake of it. He asked genuine questions, and listened, and shared genuine stories, and gave whoever he was speaking to his full attention.

Sometime during his musings, probably as he turned to get another drink, he lost sight of Trevor and his heart sank, just a little.

“Some things never change,” came an amused voice a little too close to Rafael’s ear.

He shivered a little, turning to the source, though he didn’t need to see him to know who it was – Trevor Langan.

“I should hope not,” Rafael responded, taking a sip of his drink as he gestured to the empty stool beside him.

Trevor hummed, something bordering on a laugh, as his lips quirked up in a smile, gray eyes sparkling in the light. “I was rather hoping I could convince you to enjoy yourself tonight.”

Rafael scoffed, returning his eyes to his drink. “What gives you the impression I’m not enjoying myself?”

Trevor tilted his head a little, catching Rafael’s eyes again, his expression softer, more uncertain. Rafael felt his stomach swoop, and he internally chastised himself for being so affected.

“Dance with me?” Trevor asked, voice soft and unsure, as though he were certain of rejection.

Rafael couldn’t blame him, not with the way he actively avoided dancing, but the thought that anyone could reject Trevor seemed absurd to him.

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak, and allowed Trevor to take his hand and guide him to the dance floor.

Rafael wasn’t paying attention to the music, all he was aware of in that moment was Trevor’s hand on his back, pulling him close, and the sound of his own heartbeat echoing in his ears.

They danced for a while, and Rafael didn’t dare make direct eye contact, didn’t dare begin to imagine what this could mean. He was so sure Trevor only ever spoke to him to be polite, only ever asked him questions to make sure he felt included. But now, with Trevor’s hands resting on his hips, thumb brushing against his side through the material of his shirt, he wondered if he’d wasted all this time being blinded by fear.

When the song ended, Trevor cupped Rafael’s chin, lifting his head so they could look at each other properly. Everything around them sounded muted and far away. All that mattered was the soft, tender look in Trevor’s eyes.

 **“I’ve waited for this moment for a long time,”**  Trevor confessed, lowering his gaze for a moment as his cheeks tinged pink.

“Exactly how drunk are you?” Rafael asked, lips quirked into his signature smirk.

Trevor shook his head, staring at Rafael, expression suddenly serious. “Enough to get the words out, but I mean it. Every wedding, every function, every party, I’ve wanted to have the courage to ask you to dance.”

It was Rafael’s turn to blush as he ducked his head, taking a small step back from Trevor to gather his thoughts.

“I’m sorry. That was too forward. I shouldn’t–”

Rafael cut him off by reaching up and pulling Trevor’s head towards his, crushing their lips together in what may have been the most awkward kiss he’d ever experienced.

“You’re too damn tall for your own good, you know that?” Rafael huffed, brushing his thumb across Trevor’s cheekbone.

Trevor laughed, his breath ghosting across Rafael’s face as he relaxed, adjusting the angle before he brushed his lips over Rafael’s again. “A little warning wouldn’t go astray next time.”

Rafael pressed their foreheads together for a moment, closing his eyes before he captured Trevor’s lips with his own once more, this time far softer and less rushed than the first time.

Weddings were definitely not one of Rafael’s favorite things, but if this kept up, they very well could be.


	25. Carmisi - Playing boardgames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/173353886117/carmisi-playing-boardgames

Carmen had known this would be a bad idea from the moment Sonny suggested it. Why she had agreed, she’ll never know.

Still, here they were at two in the morning, arguing over Monopoly.

“Sonny, you’re bankrupt,” Carmen shouted, throwing her hands up in the air. “You literally have no money left. I win.”

“No, that’s not how it works!” Sonny insisted, standing up from the floor as he gripped his hair in frustration. “You have to pay me when you land on my properties still!”

“Not when they’re mortgaged!”

“Yes, when they’re mortgaged!”

“Do not shout at me while you’re looming above me,” Carmen hissed, standing up for a little more leverage. “You should know better.”

Sonny snorted, face twisting into a half-smirk half-grimace as he turned away from her. “Don’t change the subject.”

“I wouldn’t have to if you weren’t such a stubborn ass.”

“Fine!” Sonny shouted, turning so his face was inches from hers. “You win the damn game. Happy?”

Without waiting for a response he stormed off, slamming the bedroom door shut behind him.

Carmen let out a frustrated, quiet scream, kicking at the coffee table, her heart hammering inside her chest, buoyed up by pure rage-fuelled adrenaline. She took a deep breath in before sitting back down on the floor, methodically sorting and packing away the pieces.

By the time the whole board was packed away, she’d calmed down, and her anger had been replaced by regret, guilt, and just a tiny bit of fear that Sonny was genuinely mad at her. Just as she placed the lid on the box she heard the bedroom door open. When she turned, Sonny was standing behind the lounge, eyes wide and a little watery.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, lips pulling downward as his forehead creased. “God, I’m so sorry.”

Carmen knelt on the lounge, relief flooding her as she reached up to cup Sonny’s cheek. “I’m sorry too.”

“No,” Sonny said, closing his eyes as he shook his head, hand coming up to cover hers. “I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that. Not over a board game. Not over anything, ever.”

“Hey,” she whispered, reaching up to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I shouted too.”

“I’ve always been competitive,” he said with a small laugh, turning his head so he could kiss her palm. “It’s fine with my sisters. We grew up shouting at each other. But I shouldn’t–”

“It’s okay,” Carmen said with a small laugh, taking his free hand in hers. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

He opened his eyes then, smile soft and apologetic. “I love you.”

“I know,” she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. “I love you too. Also, I was right.”

He laughed, breath ghosting across her lips. “You always are.”


	26. Happy and Fluffy Carmisi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/173759840247/happy-and-fluffy-carmisi

Carmen had never imagined she could fall in love. Not really. She was far too independent for that. She loved her own space, loved escaping from people and just being alone; with nature, in her apartment, in a crowded space with her headphones on. Solitude was a comfort, one she didn’t think she’d ever be willing to give up.

When she’d started dating Sonny Carisi she thought perhaps she was making a mistake. He loved to talk, loved being around people, loved to socialize, to join in, to be a part of something. He was outgoing and extroverted and the complete opposite of Carmen. She liked him well enough, but that was it. She liked him, she didn’t want to hurt his feelings when this inevitably ended.

She surprised herself by continuously thinking of Sonny when she would normally want to be alone. She surprised herself by wanting his arms around her when she was sad. She surprised herself by texting him every time something good happened. The more time she spent with him, the more she wondered if perhaps she’d chosen right after all. Perhaps a part of liking someone, really liking someone, was wanting to share your aloneness with them.

It was late one night when it struck her. They were watching a movie, some old black and white Western that Sonny had insisted was good, but didn’t interest her in the slightest. So she’d allowed her mind to wander as they lay together, legs a tangled mess as they sprawled out from opposite ends of the lounge.

It was like a lightning bolt, the way it hit her – she was in love with Sonny Carisi.

She couldn’t believe it had taken her this long, that she hadn’t seen it before. He’d said it to her so many times, just casually, like the words meant nothing, and it had never occurred to her to analyze her own feelings on the matter. She liked him, she liked being with him, and he dropped ‘I love you’s in a way she simply couldn’t. He loved freely and she seldom loved at all.

But once the realization had hit her it seemed so obvious. Her heart felt so full, so heavy and simultaneously light. Her chest seemed to ache with the weight of it, but it was a good ache, an ache that made her feel complete.

“Oh my God,” She whispered, eyes filling with tears.

Sonny turned his head to look at her, face pinching with concern when his eyes set on her. “What’s wrong?”

“I love you,” she said, burying her face in her hands as a laugh bubbled up from inside her.

“What?” Sonny sounded so confused as he huffed out what may have been a laugh of his own, pausing the movie to scoot further down the lounge to her end.

“I love you,” she repeated, face still in her hands as tears spilled from her eyes.

Gently, Sonny took her hands in his, pulling them away from her face so he could lift her chin. He looked confused, and just a little bit sad, like he wasn’t entirely sure how he was supposed to react.

“Why are you crying?”

She laughed, shaking her head a little as she wiped her cheeks. “I don’t know.”

“Okay, I’m just gonna assume those are entirely happy tears to protect my own ego.”

“They are,” she assured, leaning in to wrap her arms around his neck, drawing his face towards hers. “Entirely happy tears.”

She pressed her lips to his, a warmth spreading throughout her entire body. She cupped his head, deepening the kiss for his a moment before pulling back.

“Hold on,” Sonny said, lips still hovering near hers. “Are you telling me…are you saying you only just realized you love me?”

She nodded, grinning as she brushed their noses together.

“Wow,” he said with a laugh. “Like, I kinda assumed you’d already come to that realization.”

“I don’t love quite so freely as you,” she said softly, pressing their lips together.

“For the record,” he mumbled against her lips before pulling back to look her in the eyes. “I love you too.”


	27. Happy and Fluffy Bangan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/173759952722/happy-and-fluffy-bangan-please

“I am not in any way athletic,” Rafael hissed as Trevor pulled up outside the tennis courts.

“You don’t have to be. It’s just for fun,” Trevor insisted.

Rafael rolled his eyes before getting out of the car. He felt ridiculous in the small white shorts and shirt Trevor had bought him. Trevor managed to look beautiful as ever in his own tennis gear, but Rafael just looked short and frumpy, especially in comparison.

“Come on,” Trevor said gently, placing a hand on his back. “Just once, and if you hate it we never have to come back.”

“I hate you,” Rafael mumbled, but allowed himself to be guided into the complex and through to the courts.

Rafael felt his mind wander as Trevor explained the rules. He couldn’t help it. Trevors shorts were so tight, and his skin was so tanned, and Rafael was honestly sure this was the first time he’d seen his legs outside of the context of the bedroom.

“Got that?” Trevor asked, tilting his head a little to catch Rafael’s eyes.

He made a non-committal sound, watching as Trevor moved around the net to his side of the court. When the ball came his way, he honestly made an effort to hit it, but the racquet felt too large in his hand, and the hit was more than clumsy.

To his credit, Trevor didn’t really laugh, but the scowl Rafael threw his way had probably been what silenced him.

After a few more honestly disastrous attempts, Trevor came towards Rafael. “Here, let me show you.”

As Trevor moved behind him, hand running along his arm until he was holding the racquet in both of their hands, Rafael felt his breath catch in his throat. He glanced around at the other courts, but no one seemed to be paying them any attention.

“You want to hold it like this,” he said gently, mouth close to Rafael’s ear. “Not so tight that you’re rigid, but firm enough to actually get the ball to go in the direction you want it to go.”

Rafael nodded, skin tingling as Trevor’s other hand ran down his side, holding his hip.

“Stand like this,” Trevor continued, placing his food just inside of Rafael’s, nudging his leg. “This gives you the freedom to move around a lot more, instead of trying to anticipate exactly where the ball is going to go.”

Trevor gripped his hip a little tighter, and Rafael couldn’t resist. He pushed himself back against Trevor’s crotch, twisting his hips just a little for friction, still nodding as though he was listening intently to what Trevor was saying.

He heard Trevor’s voice waver, the words catching in his throat for a second before he continued, voice a little deeper than before.

“…And then you–”

Rafael cut him off, turning around to kiss him hungrily on the lips. Trevor’s lips parted for him, and he wasted no time, deepening the kiss as he grabbed hold of the taller man, threading his fingers through his hair.

“How about we continue this at home,” Rafael panted as they broke apart.

Trevor nodded, pressing a quick kiss to Rafael’s lips before taking his hand and quickly leading him back to the car.

Rafael couldn’t help but laugh once they were in the car. Trevor’s cheeks were flushed and his hair was ruffled, and his shorts left absolutely nothing to the imagination. He reached across the console, cupping Trevor roughly through his shorts.

“Was this your plan all along?” Trevor asked, voice a little husky.

“No.” Rafael laughed, leaning over to kiss his boyfriend. “But I know I’d much prefer this.”


	28. Bangan - “After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/173761315937/bangan-after-everything-weve-been-through-you

Rafael was sure the bullet was meant for him. Absolutely sure of it. But it was Trevor who had to fight for his life, Trevor who was laying in a hospital bed, Trevor who was in pain. All over a bullet intended for him.

When the nurse came out to tell them the worst was over, that Trevor would be okay, Rafael felt numb. He thought he should feel relieved as Trevor’s mother hugged him, her smile big and bright despite her tears, but all he felt was guilt, solid and heavy in his chest.

“Rafael?” He glanced up at Mrs. Langan’s concerned face, blinking slowly. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” he breathed out. He had intended to go home, had intended to give their family space. He honestly didn’t know how long he’d been sat there. It felt like only seconds had passed, but it also felt like a lifetime.

“He asked to see you,” she said with a gentle smile, patting his arm.

His heart fluttered, a sense of panic filling him up. He wasn’t sure he could face Trevor, not after what happened. But Mrs. Langan had taken him by the arm and he didn’t seem to be able to resist.

When the door closed behind him he glanced up at Trevor’s smiling face before forcing his feet forward, one foot after the other, until he was stood beside the hospital bed.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Trevor reached out, taking his hand to give it a small squeeze. “It’s not your fault.”

“That bullet was meant for me.” He still couldn’t look at Trevor, just stared at their hands.

“Maybe,” Trevor conceded. “But that doesn’t make it your fault.”

Rafael’s stomach churned. He felt cold all over, and his brain couldn’t seem to hold onto a single thought for very long. But the guilt was ever-present, weighing him down. He just wanted to sleep. To get this over and done with and curl up in a ball, away from the world.

“Look at me,” Trevor said gently, tugging at Rafael’s hand.

Slowly, he lifted his gaze to meet Trevor’s. “You don’t have to do this. I can go.”

Trevor’s smile dropped, the lines in his forehead growing more pronounced as he frowned. “I don’t want you to go.”

“Why on earth would you want me to stay?” Rafael asked, offering a weak smile.

“Because I love you.”

He’d heard the words so many times before, always said with such sincerity, but it never failed to surprise him. He felt his heart stutter, his breath catching in his throat.

“Even though I almost had you killed?” He asked, voice a little higher in pitch than he would like.

“Rafael,” Trevor started, voice serious. “After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?”

Something inside him snapped, then, like a dam breaking or a floodgate opening. It was as though he felt every emotion all at once rushing through him, coursing through his veins. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead he sobbed, embarrassingly loud as he dropped Trevor’s hand in favor of covering his face.

“Hey,” Trevor said softly, gasping at the stretch when he reached out to take Rafael’s hands away from his face. “If I’m going to hug you, you need to come down to my level a bit more.”

Rafael gasped out, somewhere between a laugh and a sob, allowing Trevor to pull him closer. He sat on the edge of the bed, curling up beside Trevor once he’d moved aside.

“I love you, Rafael Barba,” Trevor murmured into his hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Nothing could ever happen to change that.”

Rafael shook his head, pressing his face into Trevor’s shoulder, body shuddering as he cried.

He hadn’t cried when Trevor had been shot, or when his eyes drifted shut. He hadn’t cried when the ambulance rushed him away. He hadn’t cried in the hospital waiting room with Trevor’s family all sobbing around them. He’d just felt guilt, hard and heavy, and nothing more. It was like time had slowed down and sped up all at once. He couldn’t recall a single thought throughout the entire fourteen hours from the gunshot until now.

Now, it was all there. All the fear, the anger, the panic, the deep sadness, the feeling that he’d lost the love of his life. All of that was there, fresh and new and raw, and it hurt. It hurt so much.

“I’ve got you,” Trevor whispered into his hair, holding him close.

For the first time, just maybe, he actually believed Trevor wouldn’t leave him.


	29. Carmisi “I’ve spent all this time wondering and worrying about you. You didn’t think of me once?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/173793736922/carmisi-ive-spent-all-this-time-wondering-and

Sonny had only been back in the precinct for five minutes after being pulled off his latest undercover mission. He was filthy, and exhausted, and sore, and all he wanted to do was go home, have a shower, and crawl into bed indefinitely.

Five minutes was apparently all it took for word to travel because suddenly he was faced with a concerned looking Stone and an angry looking Carmen.

Stone headed straight for Liv’s office, shooting Sonny an apologetic smile. But it was Carmen he was worried about.

“Where the hell have you been,” she hissed, not caring that all eyes were on them.

Sonny swallowed, taking her arm to lead her into the hall. “Undercover. I can’t…it’s still an ongoing investigation, no one was meant to know–”

“And you didn’t think to tell me?”

Sonny was sure the guilt must have shown on his face, but Carmen’s expression didn’t soften at all.

“You didn’t think to notify your girlfriend that you wouldn’t be around for a couple of months?” Her voice was rising in both pitch and volume, and Sonny couldn’t help but flinch. “You didn’t even think to call me the second you got back to let me know you were alive?”

“I’m sure you would have known–”

“Don’t tell me what I know and don’t know,” she snapped, folding her arms across her chest. “Don’t you dare–”

“Carmen, it was sudden, I didn’t have time to…I couldn’t have told you, even if I’d wanted to. No one could know. Only the Lieu knew where I was.”

Carmen stared him down for a moment before her expression softened into something much sadder, something that pulled at Sonny’s heart. For the first time since he went undercover, he felt somewhat human again. He almost wished he didn’t.

 **“I’ve spent all this time wondering and worrying about you,”** she said quietly, her voice wavering just a little.  **“You didn’t think of me once?”**

“I did,” he responded quickly, perhaps too quickly, judging by the look she threw him. “I really did. I just…it’s hard. I can’t…” He sighed, dropping his head. “I need a shower, and I need to sleep for about a million years. But if you’ve not quite given up, I’d like you to be there when I wake up?”

Her face softened just a little at that, and she nodded. “Fine. But next time, you tell me. You always tell me.”

He nodded, relaxing just a little bit as he reached out to link their fingers. “I promise.”


	30. Bangan “I’m not a lot of people’s favourite person.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/173793785702/bangan-im-not-a-lot-of-peoples-favourite

It didn’t matter how many times Rafael went over the way this dinner could go down, he was still nervous. He changed his outfit ten times, as though his physical appearance could change anything. He even went so far as to put on his lucky socks, even though he didn’t believe in luck. But Trevor had named them as such, so maybe they would bring luck with Trevor if nothing else. **  
**

His stomach churned as his taxi wound through the streets of Manhattan towards the restaurant he was meeting Trevor at.

As he paid the driver he could see Trevor through the window, sitting at the table. Their table. The table they had their first official date at. He wondered if Trevor remembered the significance, or simply chose it because it wasn’t fancy, was out of the way, was somewhere Trevor probably wouldn’t have found himself without Rafael.

He swallowed hard as he made his way to the table. Trevor looked nervous. Rafael’s heart clenched.

“Hey,” he breathed out, removing his coat before taking a seat.

Trevor smiled, but his smile looked forced, and his body looked tense. “Hey. I ordered wine. I hope you don’t mind that I chose?”

Rafael shook his head, offering a tentative smile.

They didn’t talk much. The longer the silence between them stretched, the more Rafael’s stomach twisted.

“You okay?” Trevor asked quietly.

“Yeah.” Rafael’s head snapped up to look at Trevor. “Why?”

“You’re playing with your food.” Trevor nodded towards his plate. “You only ever do that when your mind is miles away.”

“Sorry,” Rafael sighed, dropping his fork to his plate.

Trevor shook his head. “It’s okay, I just…I have something I need to discuss with you. But it can wait.”

Rafael took a deep, unsteady breath in before releasing it slowly. This was it. Trevor was breaking up with him. He could see it in the way he fiddled with his wine glass, the way he suddenly refused to meet Rafael’s eyes. Everything screamed hesitation, reluctance, nerves, because that’s who Trevor was. He would never in a million years dream of hurting someone else’s feelings, even if it wasn’t his fault. That’s half the reason Rafael loved him so much.

“Listen, I–”

“I know,” Rafael cut in, reaching across the table to take Trevor’s hand. “ **I’m not a lot of people’s favorite person.**  I was surprised I ever caught your eye. But I can’t…please, don’t give up on us just yet.”

“What?” Trevor asked, eyes going wide as he squeezed Rafael’s hand. “I’m not…why would you think that?”

Rafael gestured around the restaurant with his free hand. “Dinner, nice wine, your obvious hesitation. I’ve felt it coming for a while.”

Trevor shook his head. “No. God, no, I’m not breaking up with you.”

He was grinning now, and relief flooded Rafael before he could even register the feeling. “You’re not?”

“No,” Trevor said with a small laugh, reaching into his pocket to pull out a key. “I was going to ask you to move in with me.”

Rafael blinked in surprise, reaching out to take the key from Trevor. He turned it over in his hand, smiling when the fresh cut caught in the light.

“So, will you?”

“Of course,” Rafael breathed out, giving Trevor’s hand another squeeze before leaning across the table to kiss him lightly. “God, of course I will.”


	31. Bangan - “I never thought I’d love you this much.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/174582643192/bangan-i-never-thought-id-love-you-this-much

Looking back, it felt like a long life, a long journey, to get him here. As early as four years old Rafael had vowed he would never settle down, never fall in love, because he had seen what love could do to people. He had been told repeatedly that his parents loved each other. His mother always reminded him of that fact, body painted with fresh bruises, the slam of the front door still echoing in his ears. **  
**

He’d watched on helplessly while his best friend in college was shoved around by his girlfriend, went along for the ride to the hospital when he’d cracked his head open on the stairs she had pushed him down.

He’d watched countless victims come through the DA’s office, hurt by the people they loved, by the people who claimed to love them.

It didn’t matter how many relationships he saw truly flourish, how many happy weddings he went to. He knew what love could do to people, and he hadn’t wanted it for himself.

But then Trevor Langan came into his life. Trevor was soft, gentle, full of shy smiles and flirty banter, and before long what was supposed to be just sex and companionship was tugging at his heart, begging for more.

But still, he hadn’t expected this. He hadn’t expected to be standing at the altar in front of Trevor Langan, having just said his vows. He hadn’t expected a man as beautiful, as wonderful as Trevor to be smiling at him like that as he leaned in to kiss him, still somehow looking shy after all this time.

More than that, he hadn’t expected to feel like this, to feel his heart soar, to ache to be closer. He hadn’t expected the warmth that could come with a love that was true, and real, and pure.

He hadn’t realized he was crying until they broke their kiss and Trevor cupped his face, brushing a stray tear from his cheek. He laughed, ducking his head as he sniffled.

“Are you okay?” Trevor whispered, pulling Rafael close to him.

Rafael stayed in his embrace for what felt like an age, only distantly aware of the cheering that had erupted around them.

As he pulled back to look at Trevor, he was almost overwhelmed by the level of love and affection he saw in his partners – his husbands – eyes. He swallowed, reaching up to brush his knuckles across Trevor’s cheek before patting down his tie, never once losing eye contact.

 **“I never thought I’d love you this much,”** he admitted in a whisper.


	32. Carhoun - "Forget the douche. He’s a dick. He’s a dickdouche."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175190773392/118-forget-the-douche-hes-a-dick-hes-a

It took a lot to rattle Rita Calhoun. She’d cultivated an armour that had become who she was, cold, hard, clever. To succeed in a man’s world she had no other option. **  
**

But that didn’t mean she didn’t feel things. That didn’t mean that seeing her boyfriend of two years eating a much younger woman’s face off at the NYPD charity ball didn’t shatter her heart and wound her ego all in one go.

She resisted the urge to reach out and slap them both. She kept her arms folded, expression firm despite the lump rising in her throat. She was sure everything around them had gone silent, all eyes on her, and she could feel her face burning against her will. The humiliation somehow hurt the most.

“Rita…I…you weren’t…I didn’t…” he stuttered, eyes wide, darting between the girl he’d been kissing and Rita.

“Save it,” she hissed. “If you come home tonight, or ever again, you’ll regret it.”

With that, she turned on her heel and walked right back the way she came, out the door and onto the street. She walked half a block before she found a suitable bar to get drunk in.

Four rather quick drinks in and the weight in her chest seemed no less heavy.

“Mind if I sit?” Came a familiar Staten Island drawl from behind her.

“Be my guest,” she rolled her eyes, gesturing to the stool beside her.

When she turned to look at him, she felt her heart stutter just a bit. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were shining and his lips were the pinkest she’d ever seen them. She watched as his tongue darted out to wet them before shaking her head and looking away again.

“What are you drinking?”

“I don’t need your pity,” she spat, shame welling up inside her once more with the realization that he’d just come from the charity ball and had more than likely seen everything.

“I’m not pitying you. I’m buying you a drink.” When she turned to look at him again he was grinning, and she couldn’t help the small smile that flitted across her face.

“Gin and tonic.”

He laughed, shaking his head as he flagged down the bartender. “Of course you drink gin and tonic.”

They drank in silence for a bit before Sonny leaned into her space, hand resting on the back of her chair. “You know–”

“Save it,” she muttered, slapping his hand away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I’m just sayin’,” he said with a shrug.

“Well don’t say,” she narrowed her eyes, but she could already feel the lump re-forming in her throat.

She’d wasted two years on this man, and he wasn’t just any man. Rita didn’t open her heart up to just anyone. She’d honestly thought she was going to marry him. For the first time in her life, she could picture being married. Wasn’t that sad?

Sonny’s smile softened, as though he could read her thoughts, and she felt rage and grief well up inside her at once, her eyes burning with tears she would never let fall, not if she could help it.

She downed the rest of her drink and grabbed her purse, sliding off the stool with as much grace as she could muster before strutting outside, away from kind blue eyes, away from someone she was sure could force her defences down if he wanted to.

“Forget the douche!” She heard called behind her. She didn’t stop walking, but she slowed, allowing Sonny to catch up with her. “He’s a dick. He’s…a dickdouche.”

“You’re drunk,” she muttered, rolling her eyes, but she broke out in a smile nonetheless.

“Doesn’t make me wrong.”

“No,” she conceded, voice softer now. “It doesn’t.”

She paused for a brief moment as his hand took hold of hers, but then she threaded their fingers together, giving his hand a small squeeze. It felt nice, and maybe it was the alcohol talking, but it felt right, too.

“Wow,” he said with a laugh, squeezing her hand back. “Rita Calhoun admitting I’m right.”

“I’ll take it back,” she warned, though her voice had taken on a teasing edge as the weight in her chest lifted somewhat.

“Too late,” he whispered against her ear, before pressing a kiss into her hair. “No take backs.”


	33. Carmisi - “I have a feeling we should kiss.”“Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175356997047/83-i-have-a-feeling-we-should-kissis-that-a

Watching the sunset from one of the nicest balconies in New York City was a luxury on its own. But with Carmen beside him, bathed in the last rays of the days light, Sonny couldn’t think of anything more beautiful.

And he nearly said so, stumbling over the opening of what would have been a sentence if his internal filter hadn’t caught up on time. Still, he felt his face heat up in a way that had nothing to do with the sun, or the alcohol he’d consumed, and everything to do with the way Carmen was looking at him, expression soft and eyes sparkling.

She turned her body towards him, elbow resting on the bannister, hip cocked out to the side, and he couldn’t stop his eyes from raking over her body, taking in every way the blue material of her dress hugged all the right places.

When his eyes came back up to her face he was sure she was standing closer, close enough that if he just leaned in…but no, he couldn’t think about that. Instead, he swallowed hard, turning his face to gaze out across the city, watching as the lights slowly dotted the streets. The sky was a perfect mix of purple and blue, caught in the city haze that some detested, but he found beautiful.

And it was beautiful to him, truly, but right now all he could think about was the fact that Carmen was still beside him, body angled towards him, and he couldn’t quite manage to get his heart to slow down.

Slowly, he turned to look at her again, and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Somehow, she seemed closer again. So close he could smell Barba’s cologne on her from when they’d hugged earlier. Another thing to focus on, to distract him from how badly he wanted to kiss her.

He turned to face the door, towards the thrum of music and laughter inside. “We should go–”

“I have a feeling we should kiss,” she whispered, taking hold of his wrist lightly, thumb brushing across his pulse point.

The thought that she was toying with him flashed through his mind. He was sure she’d be able to feel the rapid beat of his heart where her thumb was resting. “Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?”

She leaned in close enough that he could feel her breath ghosting across his face, could smell the wine and a hint of something like cinnamon on her breath.

“The best feeling in the world.” He barely heard her, her words so light they seemed to carry with the breeze, before she pressed their lips together, gentle and soft.

Without even thinking he cupped the back of her head, drawing her closer, revelling in the way her hands came to settle at his waist, to wind around his back, to pull him in as their kiss deepened.

Watching the sunset from one of the nicest balconies in New York City was a luxury, alright. But kissing Carmen was a dream come true.


	34. Carmisi - “Your lips are so soft. I could kiss them all day.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175365010092/17-your-lips-are-so-soft-i-could-kiss-them-all

Sonny woke up to a soft kiss pressed to his jaw, just below his ear. He hummed contentedly, leaning into the contact. Soft lips connected with the corner of his mouth this time, and he angled his face downward, brushing their lips together before pressing in for a chaste kiss.

It was as they broke apart that he allowed his eyes to flutter open, smile breaking out across his lips as he locked eyes with Carmen, big pools of gorgeous brown, crinkled at the edges.

“Morning,” she whispered before pressing another quick kiss to his lips.

“Morning,” he rasped, reaching out to cup her cheek.

He ran his thumb across her cheek before pressing another kiss to her lips, this one a little deeper, a little more passionate. He rolled towards her, not breaking contact as he pulled her body flush against his, hooking his leg over hers.

“Steady,” she muttered with a laugh, breaking away to grin at him, dazzling as ever.

“Your lips are so soft,” he murmured, letting their lips brush again just a little. “I could kiss them all day.”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes, but her smile told a different story.

“Unfortunately for you, I don’t have a day off,” she said quietly, pressing one final kiss to his lips before sliding out of his grasp and out from under the covers.

He groaned at the loss of contact, a rush of cool air hitting him before the blanket came down again, cocooning him in warmth. Still, it wasn’t the same without her.

“Call in sick,” he said quietly, propping himself up on the pillows so he could watch her get dressed

She rolled her eyes again, shaking her head, though her smile was still fond as ever. “A luxury I don’t have.”

“I’m sure Stone won’t mind.”

“I’m sure Stone would notice that you also have the day off,” she said quietly, pressing a kiss to his forehead before heading to the bathroom.

He sighed, allowing his eyes to flutter closed again, a ghost of a smile still on his face, the memory of her lips keeping him warm.


	35. Bangan - “If I could, I would kiss away all of your scars.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175367476067/15-if-i-could-i-would-kiss-away-all-of-your

Trevor felt his stomach flip as Rafael’s hands ghosted the hem of his shirt. He knew he could say no, could stop this now and Rafael wouldn’t resist, wouldn’t question why, wouldn’t make him feel less-than. But they’d been seeing each other for months now, going to the theatre, eating in fancy restaurants, holding hands in Central Park, stealing chaste kisses at every possible moment, and then, last weekend, they made out on Rafael’s lounge.

He’d been nervous then, but Rafael had seemed content to just kiss and nothing more.

But this was different. Already, Rafael’s hand had snuck its way up his shirt, and he could feel cool fingers gripping his hip, digging into the flesh a little, and he couldn’t seem to focus on anything else.

“Is this okay?” Rafael asked, pulling back a little to take in Trevor’s face.

He sucked in a deep breath, letting it go slowly as he nodded, but that didn’t seem enough for Rafael.

He rubbed his thumb gently over Trevor’s hip, expression soft. “You know we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, right? We can take it slow.”

“We have been taking it slow,” Trevor muttered, hanging his head.

“And we can continue taking it slow for as long as you want,” Rafael whispered, reaching up to cup Trevor’s face in his hands. “As long as you need.”

Trevor smiled slightly and shook his head. “I want you. I do. I just…” He let out a frustrated sigh, his stomach swooping once more.

“It’s okay.” Rafael pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of Trevor’s mouth.

Trevor shook his head again, pulling Rafael close. With his face pressed into Rafael’s hair, not under any kind of scrutiny, he felt he could breathe.

“I can’t stand the thought of the way you will look at me,” he confessed, voice muffled by hair.

“What do you mean?” Rafael tried to move back, to look at him, but Trevor wouldn’t let him.

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” Trevor pressed on, feeling his throat grow tight, “and I’m…not.”

Rafael scoffed, running his hand up Trevor’s back. “You’re the catch in this relationship.”

Trevor sighed, before tilting Rafael’s head to capture his lips, hungry and desperate, anything to ignore the emotion swelling inside of him. When they broke apart, Rafael’s eyes were dark, lips plump and red, and Trevor hated putting this distance between them.

He knew if he didn’t just bite the bullet and make the decision now, he would never find the courage. He would always unconsciously stop things between them, and eventually, Rafael would resent him. So he sucked in a deep breath and took a step back from Rafael.

Slowly, he began undoing his shirt, keeping his eyes fixed on his own fingers. He slid the shirt off his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. “Please don’t react,” he whispered before tugging his undershirt over his head.

He kept his gaze down, fiddling with the fabric of the t-shirt he still had in his hand, watching the way the fabric bunched between his fingers. Anything to avoid looking at Rafael.

“Can I touch you?” Rafael’s voice sounded tight, thick with emotion that tugged at Trevor’s heart.

He couldn’t speak past the lump in his throat, couldn’t bear to look Rafael in the eye, so he just nodded, eyes fixed on his own shirt as he mechanically ran the fabric between his thumb and forefinger.

Rafael’s fingers ghosted across his chest, down to his stomach, causing his skin to erupt in goosebumps. What he wasn’t expecting was the gentle kiss Rafael pressed to the side of his rib.

He knew the spot well. It was the worst of his scars, still puffy and angry and red-looking despite the many years that had passed since it had been inflicted. He felt his jaw twitch with the effort to keep his emotion in check, his throat impossibly tight, eyes stinging with tears he would never let fall.

Rafael pressed another kiss to his skin, this time to the left of his belly button, and he felt himself tremble at the touch. His legs felt like jelly as he let Rafael touch and kiss the worst of his scars in turn. It wasn’t until Rafael tilted his head, forcing eye contact, that Trevor realized he’d been holding his breath. His head spun and his chest burned as he gasped for air.

“You’re beautiful,” Rafael whispered, thumb brushing Trevor’s cheekbone.

He felt himself shake his head, but he was barely aware of the action as he sucked in another sharp breath of air, desperate to ease the aching in his chest, the burning in his lungs, the spinning in his head.

He allowed Rafael to lead him to the lounge, allowed Rafael to sit him down, accepted the glass of water he was handed and didn’t flinch when Rafael sat beside him, pressed close.

After what felt like an age of silence, once Trevor felt like he could finally breathe again, Rafael cupped his face, running his thumb along his jaw.

“If I could, I would kiss away all of your scars,” Rafael said softly, voice so full of sincerity Trevor felt it in his own heart.

He didn’t have the words, couldn’t speak even if he tried, so instead, he turned and buried his face in Rafael’s neck, breathing in deep, holding on tight.

Rafael accepted him. Rafael wasn’t horrified by him. Rafael wasn’t asking what happened, demanding an explanation, staring at him in horror.

Trevor felt like the luckiest man alive.


	36. Bangan “We live together. You can’t blame this on anyone else.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175400842397/34-we-live-together-you-cant-blame-this-on

Rafael heard the crash of the door falling off the bathroom cabinet, heard the mirror shatter on the tile, and felt a swoop of guilt in the pit of his stomach.

Still, he didn’t move, remained on the lounge, book propped at the perfect angle, and called out, “You okay?”

He got no response, but he heard Trevor walking through the apartment, footsteps growing louder, coming closer, until he stopped behind the lounge.

“You could have warned me the cabinet was broken,” Trevor said softly, leaning on the back of the lounge.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rafael responded quietly, turning the page delicately despite the fact that he’d taken none of the previous page in.

To his surprise, Trevor laughed, low and breathy by his ear before pressing a kiss to the side of his head. “We live together. You can’t blame this on anyone else.”

“Sounds like you’re the one who broke it to me,” Rafael said, voice stubborn, though a traitorous smirk was tugging at his lips.

“Mmm,” Trevor hummed. “Then how do you explain the two screws sitting on the sink?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, turning to look at Trevor. “Surprised you didn’t notice that before you opened the cabinet, Sherlock.”

Trevor rolled his eyes in return before pressing another soft kiss to Rafael’s forehead. “Next time, a little heads up will be nice. You’re allowed to break things.”

Rafael huffed, turning back to his book. “I don’t break things.”

He couldn’t stop the fond smile spreading across his face as Trevor laughed, muttering something he couldn’t quite hear as he left the room.


	37. Bangan - "Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be using cheesy pick up lines?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177409439117/114-dont-you-think-youre-a-little-too-old-to

Rafael felt himself smile as Trevor dipped into his line of sight, hanging his coat over the back of the bar stool beside him. **  
**

“They say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth,” Trevor said with a grin, and Rafael quirked an eyebrow. “Well apparently, no one has ever stood next to you.”

Rafael rolled his eyes before taking a sip from his drink, pretending to ignore the way Trevor laughed as he took his seat.

“Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be using cheesy pickup lines?” Rafael watched out of the corner of his eye for Trevor’s response.

There was a pause before Trevor stood up again. “I take it back.”

“Trevor–“

“No, no, I’ll get out of your hair.”

Rafael turned to look at Trevor properly, reaching out to grab hold of his wrist. It was then he noticed the glint in Trevor’s eye, the only break in his otherwise hurt facade.

“Stay,” he said quietly.

“You sure you wanna be seen with an old man like me?” Trevor’s grin had returned, and Rafael matched it.

“You’ll do just fine.”


	38. Carmisi - “Can I kiss you?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177445411657/can-i-kiss-you-carmisi

It had been a long day full of fielding calls, making excuses, and doing her best to make sure Barba didn’t bite her head off, and Carmen was exhausted. **  
**

Still, she couldn’t deny the slight flutter in her stomach when, right on 6pm, Detective Carisi strolled into the office, smile as bright as the sun despite the bags under his eyes.

“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you,” she cautioned, grabbing her bag as she locked her computer. “He’s been in a mood all day.”

“Calhoun get one up on him?” Carisi teased, and Carmen laughed.

“More than likely,” she conceded before nodding to the folder in his hand. “Is it important?”

“Oh,” he looked down, as though only just realizing the folder was there in the first place, and a light blush dusted his cheeks. “Nah. This was an excuse, more than anything else.”

Carmen felt her stomach drop, and she forced herself to smile in spite of it. She’d seen the way Carisi looked at her boss, as though he put the sun in the sky himself. She’d noticed the way he latched onto every word, always eager. And more than that, she’d noticed how close the two of them had become.

None of that stopped her own feelings for Carisi blooming every time he sent a smile her way.

“Well, goodnight,” she said quietly, moving around him towards the door.

She’d just stepped out into the hall when a hand fell on her shoulder. “Carmen, wait.”

When she turned around she was surprised to find Carisi looking uncertain, smile still there, but a little more forced.

Carisi released her shoulder to rub the back of his neck. “I was wondering if you would like to get dinner with me?”

She felt her heart stutter, and she couldn’t have stopped the grin that overtook her face even if she’s tried. “Of course.”

“Really?” He breathed out, shoulders sagging with relief.

“Is that what you came here to ask?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, stepping forward into her personal space. “Yes.”

“Tonight?” She could feel her excitement growing as he nodded. “Lead the way.”

He hooked his arm through hers as they made their way out of the building and onto the street.

Carisi lead her to a small Italian restaurant, and she rolled her eyes fondly. Conversation flowed, and by the end of the night there was an energy thrumming between them, setting her heart alight, her body fizzing with anticipation.

Once they had paid and were on the street once more, Carisi took a hold of her hands, pulling her to the side, away from the pedestrians.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked quietly, ducking his head, grinning at her shyly through his lashes.

In lieu of an answer, she reached up, hooking both her hands behind his neck. As their lips met, warm and chaste and still sweet from the dessert they had shared, Carmen felt high on the sensation.

She could surely get used to this.


	39. Calhola “It brings out your eyes” and “wow”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177116434167/56-and-59-for-calhola

The satin caught in the light, dipping at the base of each of her curves before bursting to light at their peaks. As she twisted and turned in the mirror, Rita Calhoun felt her first flash of nervousness, a feeling she was so unfamiliar with in regards to a relationship, in regards to herself, that it took a moment to place what the swooping sensation in her stomach was.

She thought back on past lovers, on the way they had doted on her and the way she had reveled in the unnecessary luxury of it all. But this was different.

She sat down on the bed, tucking her hair behind her ear as she gazed at herself in the mirror, willing the butterflies in her stomach to calm down for just a moment.

This was different because she didn’t just want to be a trophy on his arm, someone she could take advantage of and discard when he got boring.

Fin had her heart, and the realization was startling.

“You okay in there?” Fin’s voice sounded from the other side of the door.

She took a deep breath in as she stood, and made her way to the door, putting on a casual smirk, a sarcastic comment about the dress choice on the tip of her tongue, but the words fizzled out the moment she stepped through the door.

“Wow,” Fin said in a breath, his mouth going slack for a moment, and Rita felt her breath catch at the open adoration forming on his face.

She swallowed, jutting her hip out a little as he stepped towards her. “How did you know green was my color?”

Fin grinned at her, taking her hand so he could twirl her towards him. “Of course green’s your color.”

She raised an eyebrow at him, leaning away just far enough to study his face. It amazed her just how often the Sergeant surprised her. Every time she thought she had him figured out, there was a new piece to discover, a new hidden secret buried under his easy attitude.

“It brings out your eyes,” he elaborated, his own eyes sparkling before he leaned in to kiss her, soft and sweet, and she felt herself melt into the feeling.

“You’ve gone soft,” she murmured against his lips, tone gentler than she had intended.

“You make me soft,” he countered, and she batted his arm, pulling out of his grip with a roll of her eyes.

But as she turned away from him to head back to her bedroom, she had to bite her lip to keep from smiling too much.

Just one simple sentence, and all her nerves, all her worries were gone.


	40. Langhoun “Have a good day at work.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177408438777/have-a-good-day-at-work-langhoun

Rita worried she was falling too hard and too fast for Trevor Langan. He could match her for wits, didn’t bat an eye at her snark, and gave as good as he got.

But more than that, he smiled at her, he kissed her softly, gently, fervently. He took care of her needs before his, multiple times.

And now, as she woke up beside him, she worried it would end badly. Because it was only ever meant to be casual, a way to wind down after a stressful day, someone to joke with, flirt with at boring social events. And now it felt like more. Now it felt eerily close to love, and she wasn’t willing to get her heart broken.

She pretended to be asleep as Trevor rose, pretended not to feel his eyes roam her body. She kept her eyes closed as she listened to him get dressed and fuss with his hair.

She expected him to leave without a word, but instead he bent down, pressed a kiss to her forehead, and murmured, “Have a good day at work,” and she knew she needn’t have worried. They were both in too deep, and she was perfectly content with that.


	41. Stogan “I’ll drive you to the hospital.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177408621727/ill-drive-you-to-the-hospital-stogan

It had started as a stomach ache, a little intense but something Peter assumed would pass by morning.

But when he woke up in the middle of the night, stomach clenching and churning, a cold sweat coating his body, he knew he wouldn’t be so lucky.

A wave of nausea washed over him, and he tried to sit up, but the pain in his abdomen intensified, and he barely managed to hold back an audible groan.

He glanced down at Trevor sleeping peacefully beside him, before sucking in a sharp breath and attempting to get up again. He pushed through the pain, slowly making his way to the bathroom, fighting down his building nausea.

By the time he made it there, the feeling had passed, and he deeply regretted making the effort. Slowly, he laid himself down on the floor by the toilet, relishing in the feel of the cool tiles pressed against his cheek, the cold seeping through his clothing.

Peter wasn’t sure how much time passed before he felt a cool hand touch his cheek. He blinked his eyes open, feeling himself smile as Trevor’s face came into view.

“Let’s get you back into bed,” Trevor murmured, sliding an arm under Peter’s neck.

He tried to move with Trevor’s assistance, but at the slightest movement his pain seemed to double, and he whimpered, curling in on himself.

“Where does it hurt?”

“I think it’s my appendix,” Peter muttered, eyes squeezed shut.

“I’ll drive you to the hospital,” Trevor said softly, running his hands through Peter’s hair.

Peter shook his head. “You have work in a couple of hours, you need your sleep.”

“Work can wait. I’m going to try and lift you, but you’re going to have to help me out a little.”

Peter nodded, gritting his teeth.

“Ready?” Trevor asked softly, scooping his arm under Peter once more.

Peter nodded again, sucking in a sharp breath. He focussed on the warmth of Trevor through the painful journey to the car, trying his best not to complain as Trevor held most of his weight.

Trevor held Peter’s hand for the entire drive to the hospital, and despite everything, he was sure, in that moment more than any other before it, that he was the luckiest man in the world.


	42. Stogan Summer Camp AU + Bed Sharing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177373981202/summer-camp-au-bed-sharing-stogan

When Peter is introduced to Trevor, the new camp leader, he feels his heart speed up and his mouth go dry. Trevor’s smiling at him, more of a smirk than anything else, eyes sparkling, and Peter can’t seem to find the words to even introduce himself.

Trevor’s taking the rowing groups, and at every opportunity he gets, when he’s not running his own athletics groups, he’s watching Trevor. It’s under the guise of supervision, of course.

But Peter quickly learns Trevor is more than just a pretty face. More often than not they find themselves sat together for meals, talking for hours on end. The first time Trevor invites Peter back to his room for a drink his heart nearly stops entirely.

Trevor’s full of sharp words and quick wits to keep Peter on his toes, but he’s also full of deep insight, and he has such a big heart Peter’s sure it must hurt.

By the end of camp, Peter has fallen head over heels for Trevor.

On the final night he invites Trevor to his room for a drink, a final goodbye. They race through the pouring rain towards Peter’s cabin, but when they get there the roof has caved, and everything inside is just as wet as outside.

“Come back to mine,” Trevor says quietly, placing a hand on Peter’s arm.

They both shower and dry off, and then sit on Trevor’s bed, drinks in hand, talking well into the night.

Peter wakes up to the tickle of breath on the back of his neck and warm, sturdy arms around his middle. He shifts slightly before freezing completely, realizing he had fallen asleep in Trevor’s bed. With Trevor.

“Go back to sleep,” Trevor whispers in his ear, nuzzling closer. “We don’t have to be up for a couple of hours.”

The soft kiss Trevor presses to his shoulder is all it takes for Peter to give in, melting into the touch as his eyes drift shut again. They could deal with everything else later.


	43. Carhoun “Close your eyes and hold out your hands”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177409344632/close-your-eyes-and-hold-out-your-hands-carhoun

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands,” Sonny said with a grin. **  
**

She rolled her eyes but complied, unwilling to dampen his spirits in any way. It felt like so long since she’d seen him smile so bright. So long since he’d come to her with any ounce of energy in him.

It felt like forever since she last got to spend the night with him, with the cases at SVU piling high while being perpetually short-staffed. But she knew not to complain. She knew from the pain in his eyes and the bags underneath them that he wished things were different.

She felt something cool, thin and metallic hit her palm, and she opened her eyes. There was a key, fresh cut and catching in the light. She looked up at him, hiding her shock with a smirk as she twirled the key around her fingers.

“Move in with me.”

“What?” She asked with a laugh. “Into your shoebox? Unlikely.”

Sonny rolled his eyes, but the grin didn’t fall from his face. “It’s a gesture. We can find a place. If you want.”

Rita pursed her lips and studied him for a moment before offering him a soft smile. She couldn’t deny him anything, even if she wanted to.

“Of course.”


	44. Cargan - Pornstar AU + forbidden love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177608424957/pornstar-au-forbidden-love-cargan
> 
> god i have so many feelings about this headcanon okay feel free to hit me up

Trevor recognized Sonny the moment he laid eyes on him as the only pornstar he had ever jerked off to. Porn had never really been his thing, but there was something about Sonny that did it for him in a way no one else had before.

Still, as he navigated the seedy bar, squeezing around couples grinding against each other, he hadn’t planned on talking to him. He didn’t wish to objectify someone so overtly, and yet he wasn’t sure he could look into those baby blues without thinking of what was inside his pants. He wasn’t sure he could look at those plush pink lips without thinking of them wrapped around his cock. Not when sex was the reason he’d come to this bar in the first place.

As he placed his order, Trevor felt a warm body press up against his. “Just put it on my tab, Mikey.”

Trevor swallowed hard before turning to look at Sonny, wide eyes glistening even in the dim light. He looked almost ethereal; too beautiful to be in a place like this. If Trevor didn’t know what he did for a living, he’d be concerned.

“I can afford my own drinks.”

“You can buy the next round, then,” Sonny said with a grin, sliding his arm around Trevor’s waist once they had their drinks in hand.

“Aren’t I a little old for you?” Trevor protested weakly as Sonny lead him to a grimy looking booth in the corner.

“If you’re uncomfortable you’re under no obligation,” Sonny said with a shrug.

Trevor knew he should leave. He knew he should thank Sonny for the drink and walk away, back home to his lonely apartment. But his weakness was sitting in front of him, daring him to stay, and Trevor couldn’t say no.

He let Sonny take him to a hotel down the road, let Sonny fuck him until he was an incoherent mess. He even let Sonny curl up against his side afterwards, tracing lazy circles on his chest while Trevor let his fingers dance across Sonny’s shoulder.

The next time Trevor went to the bar, he told himself it wasn’t in the hope of seeing Sonny again. But the moment they locked eyes from across the room, Trevor was drawn to him.

This continued for months. They didn’t always fuck. Sometimes they just talked, just sat together, laid together, fell asleep together. And sometimes Sonny would fuck him so hard he could feel it for days.

The problem was, Trevor didn’t just think about the things Sonny could do, anymore. More and more, Trevor found himself thinking about Sonny’s eyes, about the way his face lit up when he talked about going to law school. He found himself thinking of Sonny more often than not.

It was when Trevor picked up a tie one day while browsing and instantly thought of the way it would heighten the blue of Sonny’s eyes that he realized he was in love.


	45. Carhoun - “I hope someday you get a taste of your own medicine.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177999645657/61-i-hope-someday-you-get-a-taste-of-your-own

“Please, you’re like a lost puppy the way you follow me around. I don’t need you, nor do I want you.”

Rita knew she’d said the wrong thing even as the words were leaving her mouth, before Sonny’s face twisted in pain as he tried to push down the emotion that was likely bubbling inside of him.

“You don’t mean that.” His voice was soft. Unbearably soft. There was a tenderness there that she knew she didn’t deserve, and it made her feel sick.

In lieu of a response, and in an attempt to calm her erratic heart, she turned away from him, downing the contents of her wine glass before pulling her robe around her a little tighter, as though it would help protect her further.

Sonny followed her to the kitchen, watched her pour the remainder of the bottle into her glass, and the longer he stayed the harder it became to not fall back into his arms.

But it had gone on for too long. She knew that, and it was about time he did too. It would hurt for now, but it was better in the long run. For the both of them.

“Rita, please. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Rita snorted, moving around Sonny to take her place in her beloved armchair once more. She longed to fold herself into it, knees to her chest, but instead she sat straight and tall and proud, legs crossed over, allowing a look of boredom to cross her face.

“We had fun,” she said with a lazy shrug, reaching for the book she had been reading the previous night. “And now I’ve grown bored of you.”

She could feel Sonny’s eyes on her as she stared at the book in her hands, brain not comprehending the words in front of her. Her heart was screaming at her to stop, to apologize, to tell him she was wrong, that she knew she was wrong, that she would likely always choose distance and cruelty over accepting love that she knew she didn’t deserve, but that it didn’t mean she loved him any less.

But she said none of that.

Instead, she glanced up from her book with a sigh, ignoring the way her chest tightened at the wetness in Sonny’s eyes, his hands balled into fists inside his pockets as he stared at her, heartbreak and disbelief evident.

“I hope someday you get a taste of your own medicine,” he spat with a bitterness that almost made her flinch.

Almost.

As the slam of her apartment door rang through the silent space around her, Rita sank back into her armchair, pulling her knees to her chest as she clutched her wine glass tight in her hands.

It was for the best.


	46. Barollins - “Is your Seatbelt on?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178031890902/is-your-seatbelt-on-barollins

Amanda watched the smile slowly slip from Rafael’s face, morphing into something she’d never seen before, something full of pain and anguish as his face grew pale.

When he hung the phone up he swallowed hard, running a shaky hand through his hair.

“You okay?” She asked warily, not sure if she should give him space or pull him in for a hug.

“I…” he swallowed again, and she wondered briefly if he was going to be sick. “My mother had a heart attack. I…I have to…I need—“

“Okay, hey,” she said softly, taking hold of his arm gently so she could guide him to the door. “I’ll take you. Which hospital?”

“Uh…” he swallowed once more, eyes wide. “St Barnabas.”

She nodded, leading him outside to where her car was parked without another word. She glanced at him, looking small and pale and quite possibly on the verge of tears in the passenger seat, and she felt a flash of guilt for having ever thought he was incapable of emotion.

In the time they’d been together, it had all been fun and games, teasing jabs and heated sex. But when she’d needed it, he could be soft, and gentle, and kind, without ever sounding condescending. Now it was her turn.

Rafael groaned as they hit another red light, fingers clasped tight on his own knee, and she sighed. “Is your seatbelt on?”

He gave her a look so withering she was surprised he had it in him, and she rolled her eyes before turning her siren on, dashing out and around the waiting traffic.

She reached across the divide as she put her foot down, grasping his hand tightly, and he gripped back just as tight. When she could chance a glance at him, he offered her a smile, weak, but full of gratitude that she knew he could never put into words.


	47. Bangan - “I’ll wait.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178032133172/ill-wait-bangan

Trevor took a deep, steadying breath as he pulled up a block from the church. He figured he ought to feel something greater than dread at the thought of his father’s death, but either the reality hadn’t quite hit him yet, or he just didn’t have it in him to grieve for a man who’d never really understood him.

“You don’t have to—“

“I’ll wait,” Rafael assured, giving his hand a small squeeze.

Trevor watched him for a moment, watched the way his lips quirked up in a reassuring smile, eyes wide and soft and a little sad, and he felt a pang in his chest, his throat growing tight.

“We could just leave,” he suggested, voice a little strangled, but Rafael shook his head.

“You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t go.”

Trevor nodded. He knew that. Still, it didn’t stop how badly he wanted to drive away, how badly he wanted to go somewhere nice and quiet, where it was just the two of them.

“I wish you could come with me,” he admitted in a whisper, voice shaking just a little as he looked away, out the window and down the street where the church sat, people slowly filing in.

“I wish I could too,” Rafael whispered back, giving his hand one final squeeze before letting go. “But I’ll be here when it’s over.”


	48. Cargan - "It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178070475472/its-six-oclock-in-the-morning-youre-not-having

Trevor watched as Sonny, seemingly unaffected by their lengthy flight and lack of sleep, dumped his bags in the doorway of their villa and ran out onto the balcony.

He smiled softly to himself, following until he was leaning against the doorway, watching as the wind, salty from the ocean, whipped through Sonny’s hair.

Sonny turned to him after a moment, eyes shining, smile as bright as the sun, and Trevor was suddenly struck by how young he was. The sea air and the early hour, combined with his boyish enthusiasm, made him seem even younger — almost unbearably so — and he once again had to wonder what a bright young thing like Sonny was doing with a tired old man like him.

“Hey,” Sonny said softly, closing in on him only to snake his arms around his neck. “You okay?”

“Of course.” Trevor smiled softly, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Sonny’s lips. “I’m with you.”

Sonny laughed, throwing his head back with the action, eyes crinkling at the corners. “And they say I’m the romantic one.”

Trevor hummed noncommittally, barely resisting the urge to reach for Sonny as he let go of his hold, moving back inside the apartment.

“How about I fix you a drink?” Sonny called over his shoulder, rummaging through the basket of goodie’s they’d been left by the owner.

“I’d much rather take you to bed.” Sonny grinned at that, tongue darting out to wet his lips, and Trevor rolled his eyes, adding, “To sleep.”

Christ, he felt old.

“C’mon. Just one drink. It’ll wake you up.” He waggled the bottle of vodka he had in hand for emphasis before grabbing a glass from the cupboard.

“It’s six o’clock in the morning,” Trevor protested. “You’re not having vodka.”

“Spoilsport,” Sonny teased with a pout, but he placed both the glass and the bottle down on the counter and made his way over to Trevor anyway. “If we sleep now we’ll waste the day.”

Sonny leaned up, pressing a kiss to the corner of Trevor’s mouth, and Trevor melted into the touch, winding his arms around Sonny’s waist.

“Just a few hours.”

Sonny smiled softly before nodding, reaching back to take one of Trevor’s hands in his own.

“Just a few hours,” he agreed, leading Trevor through to the bedroom.


	49. Carmisi - “Take mine”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178041458627/take-mine-carmisi

It was freezing. Absolutely freezing. Misty rain hit Carmen’s face as she trudged through the park. Why she had agreed to meet Sonny there, she’d never know. (Except she absolutely did know — just thinking about him warmed her just a little).

She rounded the corner, a smile lighting her face as she spotted Sonny waving at her. She swerved around a puddle, holding out her hand to him, when her coat caught on a barb coming out of the fence.

She grimaced at the tearing sound, steeling herself before facing the damage, though she knew, without even looking, that the coat was completely ruined. She could feel the cold whipping through the new hole, chilling her to the bone.

“Here,” Sonny said gently, and when Carmen looked at him he was holding his own coat out to her. “Take mine.”

She shook her head. “Sonny, it’s freezing. You’ll catch your death.”

“Better me than you,” he said with a grin, closing in to remove her coat from her shoulders.

She was prepared to protest further, but as he slid his coat on in its place, still warm from his own body, she found she didn’t have it in her.

“Thank you,” she said quietly, ducking her head as his arm came to rest around her shoulders.


	50. Cargan - "Don’t you love me?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178095921577/dont-you-love-me-cargan

Sonny tugged on Trevor’s arm as he tightened his grip. He grinned, looking up at Trevor through his lashes, and Trevor’s heart melted at the sight of him, just for a moment, before he stumbled, nearly pulling Trevor to the ground.

“C’mon,” Trevor sighed. “Let’s get you home.”

“Kebab first,” Sonny insisted, half-dragging Trevor across the road.

“Sonny, no. If you eat a kebab then you’ll likely be sick, and I don’t wish to spend my night on the bathroom floor with you. Again.”

He tried to sound stern, but it was hard when Sonny was pouting at him, lips bright red and plump and inviting.

“Don’t you love me?” Sonny whined, followed by a hiccough that seemed to run through his whole body.

Trevor chuckled, pulling Sonny flush against his side. “Of course. Which is why I’m taking you to bed, not to get second rate vendor food.”

Sonny buried his face into Trevor’s side, stumbling a little with the effort, but this time Trevor was holding him firmly.

“I love you too,” Sonny said quietly once they’d reached Trevor’s apartment.

Trevor smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of Sonny’s head as he unlocked the door. “I know you do.”


	51. Cargan - "I can’t do this on my own."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178097431157/i-cant-do-this-on-my-own-cargan

Sonny tracked the bob of Trevor’s Adam's apple as he swallowed, lowering the phone from his ear. He hesitated as Trevor stared at the black screen in his hands, phone held in a vice grip.

“Trevor?” Sonny asked quietly, and Trevor just gave a small shake of his head in response, jaw clenching.

Sonny felt his stomach swoop, and he rose from the lounge, hands hovering before settling on Trevor’s waist, thumbs brushing across the fabric of his shirt.

“Hey,” he said softly. “What happened?”

Trevor swallowed again, glancing at Sonny. “Ah,” he cleared his throat. “My father died.”

Sonny sucked in a sharp breath, heart clenching in sympathy. He knew Trevor and his father weren’t close, but he also knew that death could still his hard, regardless. He reached for Trevor’s hands, prying the phone from his grip to set it aside.

“I, ah, I need to…to sort his affairs, the funeral. I—“ Trevor broke off with a stuttered breath, and Sonny held his hands tight.

“What do you need me to do?” He asked quietly, thumbs brushing across Trevor’s knuckles.

Trevor was quiet for a moment, breathing slowly, deliberately, staring at their hands held between them. “Come to his house with me?” Trevor made eye contact, giving Sonny a weak smile. “I can’t do this on my own.”

His voice shook, and Sonny briefly wondered if Trevor was going to cry. In all their time together, he’d never once seen Trevor cry, and he honestly wasn’t sure he was equipped to deal with that.

“Of course,” Sonny whispered, reaching up to press a quick kiss to the corner of Trevor’s mouth. “Anything.”


	52. Cargan - "I'll always be there for you. Don't you know that?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178211678807/ill-always-be-there-for-you-dont-you-know

Sonny felt the laughter die on his tongue as he spotted Trevor sitting alone at the bar, cheeks tinged pink, lips turned downward.

“Hey, I’ll join you in a minute,” Sonny muttered to Fin, clapping him on the back as he left the squad to make their way to their usual table.

He felt a flash of hurt that Trevor had blown him off to drink alone, but he forced it down. The tension in Trevor’s shoulders was evident, and Sonny knew well enough by now that Trevor wouldn’t blow him off for no good reason, even if it appeared that way.

“Lookin’ real busy there,” Sonny said, teasing lilt in his voice as he hovered by Trevor’s side.

Trevor flinched, running a hand over his face before turning his head to glance at Sonny. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy, and Sonny felt a pang deep in his stomach.

“I have no good explanation,” Trevor muttered, turning back to his drink.

“That’s okay, I don’t need one.” He carefully kept his voice gentle, his movements slow as he sat down.

Trevor rolled his eyes, heaving a sigh. “You’re allowed to be angry.”

“I’m not angry.” Sonny frowned, leaning in closer. “You okay?”

He watched Trevor open and close his mouth a couple of times before taking another mouthful of scotch, clenching his jaw as he swallowed.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.” Trevor sighed, running his hands over his face, and Sonny felt his stomach drop. “Just…you’re worrying me.”

“It’s fine. I’m…I’ll be fine, nothing serious.” Trevor tried to smile, but it looked like more of a grimace. “You don’t need to deal with this. With me.”

Sonny frowned, brushing his knuckles across Trevor’s cheek before cupping his face. “I’ll always be there for you. Don’t you know that?”

Trevor smiled weakly, closing his eyes as he leaned into the touch just a little. “I know. I just needed to be alone.”

Sonny nodded, biting his lip, pushing down on the uncertainty bubbling up inside him at the thought that Trevor chose to drown his sorrows instead of taking refuge in him.

“You want me to go?”

Trevor shook his head. “Come home with me?”

A warmth bloomed in Sonny’s chest, and he smiled softly, running his thumb across Trevor’s cheekbone. “Of course.”


	53. Calex - “How could you think this wouldn’t hurt me?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178212397797/how-could-you-think-this-wouldnt-hurt-me

Casey sat, trying desperately not to twist her hands in her lap, trying desperately not to show any outward signs of discomfort despite the nervous dread churning in her stomach.

She’d thought over a million things that could happen, a million ways her case could be derailed, a million things she might have somehow done wrong to lead her here.

But nothing could have prepared her for the way her heart leaped to her throat, threatening to suffocate her as Alex Cabot walked through the door.

She swallowed hard, opening her mouth to say something, but no words came. Her heart was beating loudly, painfully, her chest tightening as she tried to comprehend what was happening.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Alex mused, hesitant smile on her face, and Casey’s vision clouded over with tears.

“How are you here?” She whispered, voice shaking. “I thought…you died. You—“ she broke off, covering her mouth.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Alex sounded genuinely sorry, but somehow that only hurt more, and Casey’s chest grew tighter still.

“You’re sorry?” She spat, planning to continue, words unplanned and fueled by hurt and anger, but a sob took their place, tearing its way unexpectedly from her throat.

Familiar hands—Alex’s hands—were on her face immediately, drawing her close, foreheads pressed together, and Casey couldn’t help herself as she wrapped her arms around Alex, breathing her in.

“You smell different.” She laughed wetly, sniffing loudly as she tried to get herself under control. “Where have you been?”

“I had to go into hiding. New house, new identity.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Casey knew she sounded desperate and needy, but it felt like her heart was being healed and torn out again on repeat.

“I couldn’t,” Alex whispered, pressing a kiss to Casey’s forehead. “I wanted to, so badly, but I couldn’t.”

Casey nodded, sitting back a little so she could wipe her eyes, get a proper look at the woman she’d loved for so long, the woman she thought she’d lost.

“Did you think about me?”

“Of course,” Alex whispered fervently, gripping the back of Casey’s head with a sense of urgency. “Every day.”

Casey reached out to touch Alex’s face, allowing her fingers to trail across her features, feather-light and cautious. A small smile broke out on Alex’s lips, and Casey couldn’t help but match it.

“How could you do that to me?” She whispered, smile slipping just a little as she lowered her hand to Alex’s chest, covering her heart. “How could you think this wouldn’t hurt me?”

She knew it was unfair, knew Alex’s life would have been in danger if she hadn’t, but she couldn’t stop the questions from slipping out.

To her credit, Alex didn’t argue, didn’t try to defend herself. She just leaned in, pressing a soft, tender kiss to Casey’s lips before whispering, “I will spend every day making it up to you, if you will let me.”


	54. Cardds/Dorisi - “I just want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178228380162/i-just-want-you-to-be-happy-even-if-its-not

Sonny watched Alice’s name flash up on Mike’s phone, and jealousy swirled in his stomach, making his skin crawl. Mike didn’t even look at him as he accepted the call, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, back to Sonny.

“Hey, honey,” he cooed, and Sonny’s chest tightened a little.

Unable to listen to another word, unable to watch Mike pretend they hadn’t just woken up together, limbs tangled, after making love the night before—and it was making love, at least to Sonny—he got up, grabbing a change of clothes without really looking, and headed to the bathroom.

Under the scalding water, he let himself feel away from prying eyes. He let the ache he’d been carrying around inside of him since this thing with Mike began fully form, and he was sure it tore his heart in two.

On the surface, he knew Mike cared about him, perhaps even loved him. He’d certainly told him enough times, though Sonny could never bring himself to say it back for fear of laying his heart bare when it would surely be trampled on. But he did love Mike. He was sure of it, could feel it running through his veins, cocooning his heart. He could feel it suffocating him every time Alice was mentioned, every time he heard of how much Mike loved her, whether it be from the man’s own lips or his father’s.

He couldn’t imagine a world in which Alice could possibly love Mike more than he did. How could she, if she wasn’t here, with him? How could she if it was Sonny who was there instead, guiding Mike through the complexities of SVU that he, too, was only fresh on the other side of. How could she when it was Sonny who held him at night while he whispered about how strong Sonny was to do what he did while Mike himself felt like he was drowning under the victim’s pain.

But he knew that wasn’t fair. He knew Alice hadn’t done anything wrong other than get in before Sonny, without even knowing he was a possibility.

He longed to give Mike an ultimatum, longed to make Mike choose, but he was terrified that, if forced, Mike wouldn’t choose him. Mike would choose Alice. In fact, he was almost certain of it.

And if, after everything, he still couldn’t be what Mike wanted, what Mike needed, then perhaps it was time to call it quits.

A sob slipped past his lips, muffled by his hand as he tried to pull himself together. Every piece of him hurt, knowing he should let Mike go. But, if he truly thought about it, being the other person, being the affair in someone else’s relationship hurt, too. More than that, it made him dread Church, his only sanctuary from the darkness in the world, the guilt too much to bear, the confessional looming, judging him for not being sorry enough to truly repent. However things went, he lost, and he cursed himself for ever having allowed himself to give in to temptation.

Dragging himself from the shower, he took a deep, calming breath, sweeping his wet hair to the side as he looked at his reflection. Tired, pale, and sad.

Still, he plastered a smile on as he left the bathroom, heading back to the bedroom.

“I’m sorry,” Mike said instantly, sitting up a little straighter.

“Why?” He sighed, forcing himself to let go of the tension he was holding in his shoulders, forcing his next words to be softer. “She’s your fiancée.”

Something in Mike’s expression twisted, eyes dulling as his lips pulled downward. “I love you.”

His heart swelled in a way that was painful, tearing at the seams, and he felt tears sting his eyes. “But not as much as her.”

Mike licked his lips, likely trying to find the right words. When none came, he reached out for Sonny, and like the coward he was, Sonny went to him, curled up against his side, head resting on Mike’s shoulder.

“Would it mean anything if I told you how sorry I am?”

Sonny shook his head, pressing a chaste kiss to Mike’s shoulder. “I just want you to be happy,” he said, surprised by how much he meant it. “Even if it’s not with me. You deserve it.”

Mike didn’t respond to that, and Sonny was grateful. He could be held a little longer, pretend he wasn’t walking away, just for a little bit longer.


	55. Bangan - “Do you want me to come too?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178231066502/do-you-want-me-to-come-to-bangan

Trevor’s face went ghostly white as he sat on the phone, fingers in a vice grip.

“Sure,” he choked out, and Rafael’s stomach twisted at the sound of his voice, so small, so uncertain, so unlike his usual confident, calm self. “That’s fine, thank you.”

The silence seemed stifling after Trevor hung up, but Rafael didn’t quite know how to fill it. He knew something was wrong, and, not for the first time, he wished there was some kind of handbook to consult on ways of comforting people.

“They, ah, want me to come in,” Trevor offered, voice thick. “To discuss the results.”

Realization dawned, and with it came the feeling of being dropped in cold water, heart lodging somewhere in his throat as he reached out for Trevor’s hand.

“When?” He wasn’t sure why he was whispering, but it seemed fitting, as though anything louder would shatter whatever precipice they were on the edge of, and they would tumble into depths unknown.

“Tomorrow.”

Rafael swallowed, shifting closer to Trevor, who was still staring resolutely ahead, not making eye contact. He was scared, Rafael could feel it radiating off of him in waves. Or maybe it was how own fear, projected outward. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Trevor scared before.

“Do you want me to come too?”

Trevor nodded, clenching his jaw as he turned to look at Rafael, wide-eyes and looking decades younger for it.

“Come here,” he whispered, drawing Trevor in for a hug. “It’ll be okay.”


	56. Barollins - “You can borrow mine.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178245297922/you-can-borrow-mine-barollins

Amanda’s hands shook as they wheeled Sonny away from her, siren ringing out. She sucked in a shallow breath as Fin gave her shoulder a squeeze. He was saying something to her, something about a ride home, but she couldn’t quite hear him.

Through the crowd she saw Rafael maneuvering his way towards her, expression grim. Still, when he saw her watching, he smiled, maintaining it the whole way.

“Is he going to be okay?” He asked, tilting his head in question.

“How’d you know?”

“Is he going to be okay?” Rafael repeated, ignoring her question.

“Ah, yeah. Yeah, he’ll be fine.” Her voice shook as fear slipped through the cracks, adrenaline fading.

She glanced down at her hands, freezing completely at the realization that they were covered in blood. Sonny’s blood.

“Hey,” Rafael said softly, bending at the knees to catch her eyes once more, expression soft and full of concern. “What can I do? Tell me what you need.”

She blinked furiously before looking down at her hands again, following the red up to her arms. The edges of her sleeves were soaked, and the more she looked, the more she noticed the patches and flecks of red dotting her coat. She swallowed hard, heart hammering in her chest, though she wasn’t sure why it suddenly felt so overwhelming.

“It’s ruined,” she croaked out, embarrassment flooding her as her vision blurred over with tears.

In an instant Rafael reached out, making quick work of her buttons, shedding the coat, letting it fall to the floor. “You can borrow mine,” he said quietly, fingers already working on his own buttons.

The moment the too-large coat was around her shoulders, something in her broke, and she leaned into him, exhaustion taking over.


	57. Bane/Barbone - “Why didn’t you say something?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178262609292/why-didnt-you-say-something-bane

Rafael was surprised by how quickly he fell for Peter. Usually with his partners, sex came first and feelings came later, if at all. But somehow, Peter was different. It had been four months of dinners, of drinks, of stolen kisses and brushes of hands, and Rafael was sure he couldn’t be happier.

Going slow was never his style, and yet here he was, taking it slow with a man he once would have simply fucked and left without so much as a kiss. He wondered if he was getting soft in his old age.

He glanced to the side, watching the light from the TV bounce off Peter’s face, casting shadows in all the right places, accentuating his features. He smiled as he leaned in, brushing his nose against Peter’s cheek before kissing the corner of his mouth.

Peter laughed, turning to look at him, and before he could say anything, Rafael captured his lips in a gentle kiss.

“What was that for?” Peter asked, a little breathless as they broke apart.

“Do I need a reason to kiss my boyfriend?”

Rafael didn’t wait for an answer. He moved in again, this time more heated as he cupped Peter’s head, deepening the kiss. Peter’s hands seemed to hesitate before sitting somewhere at his waist, and in an effort to make the angle easier, Rafael positioned himself so he was straddling him, letting Peter’s hands fall naturally to his hips.

He hadn’t intended things to become so heated, had genuinely only planned on stealing a kiss before going back to their movie, but there was a desperation growing inside of him, a heat pooling in his belly as he felt himself growing hard, and he ground down against Peter to show his appreciation, deepening the kiss further.

Peter gasped, but not in the way Rafael had expected, and when he pulled back it wasn’t lust, or want, or need he saw in Peter’s eyes, but fear. Fear and uncertainty and just a hint of sadness, and Rafael’s stomach churned.

He cupped Peter’s cheek, thumb brushing across his kiss-bruised lips. “Are you okay?”

“Fine.” The response was quick, snappy, and Rafael’s heart sunk.

“Talk to me,” he whispered, letting his hand fall to Peter’s shoulder. “If you’re not ready, I—“

“I should be though, shouldn’t I?” Peter asked, voice fiery, wavering just a little. “It’s been four months. I’m surprised we lasted this long.”

“Lasted…are you breaking up with me?” He was surprised by just how much that hurt, surprised by the sting of tears in his eyes at the thought of this being over before it had really even begun.

“It’s for the best,” Peter muttered, moving to shift Rafael off him, but Rafael planted a hand firmly on his chest, pushing him back down.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He was aware he sounded desperate, aware of the pitch his voice had taken, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care at that moment.

“I don’t want to have sex with you,” Peter said bluntly. “I likely never will. So, while this has been fun, I should probably leave.”

Rafael frowned, shaking his head. “No. No, I don’t want you to leave.”

“What if I want to leave?” Peter shot back, shifting Rafael off his lap successfully this time.

“Then I won’t stop you,” Rafael said quietly. “But if you’re leaving because you think all I want is sex—“

“Don’t tell me you don’t want to fuck me.”

Rafael’s eyes widened at Peter’s choice of phrasing before he let out a small sigh, deflating entirely. “I won’t deny that. But I would never pressure you, or force you, or—“

“No. You’ll just resent me.”

There was a bitterness to Peter’s tone that spoke of past experience, and Rafael was hit with a realization:

“You’re asexual.” It wasn’t a question, just a stated fact, and Peter nodded mutely, lowering his head. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I’m selfish,” Peter shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “Because I wanted you for as long as I could have you.”

“You still have me,” Rafael whispered, reaching out to link their fingers, giving Peter’s hand a small squeeze. “If you still want me.”

“Of course I want you. These past four months…I’d have been lost without you.”

“So stay,” Rafael insisted, inching closer. “Stay, and we’ll work the rest out as it comes.”

Peter looked at Rafael, eyes shining with unshed tears, before closing the distance to press a chaste kiss to Rafael’s lips.

“Okay,” he said softly, though Rafael could tell he didn’t think it would work out. “Okay.”


	58. Cargan - Sonny drunk texting Trevor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178332149332/sonny-drunk-texting-trevor

Trevor groaned, blinking awake at the sound of a text alert. He considered ignoring it, knowing that if it was truly important whoever it is would have called, but curiosity won out, and he rubbed his eyes before reaching for his phone.

_Sonny Carisi: I dunno where i am i need you_

Trevor felt his heart thud, adrenaline pumping through his system as he sat up. He tried calling Sonny instantly, but no one answered.

_Sonny Carisi: pls its no fun without u_

 

He deflated with a sigh, falling back against his pillow, a string of curses falling from his tongue. He was prepared to be angry, could feel it bubbling up inside of him at being woken in the middle of the night to a message like that, but the next message came with a picture of Sonny pouting, bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked, and he felt his anger dissipate in an instant.

**Trevor Langan: Do you want me to come get you?**

_Sonny Carisi: No come party_

Trevor groaned, shaking his head. Drinking in a bar was the last thing he wanted right now, but he knew, even before he’d made his mind up, that there was nothing Sonny could ask of him that he wouldn’t do, tragic as he knew that was.

**Trevor Langan: Send me your location.**

Trevor waited, almost drifting back off to sleep before Sonny finally worked out how to send Trevor his location. Queens. What the hell was Sonny doing in Queens?

As he reached his car, his phone pinged again.

_Sonny Carisi: god hurry up i wanna taste your cock_

Trevor froze completely, staring at the message before shaking his head, trying desperately to ignore the images flashing through his mind, images usually saved for the shower or late nights when he couldn’t sleep and needed something to take the edge off. Before he could pocket his phone, another message came through, along with a photo of Sonny practically deep-throating a beer bottle.

_Sonny Carisi: i want u baby_

Trevor groaned, face flushing, heat pooling in his stomach, and closed the app, climbing into the car.

He was halfway there when another picture message came through, and after an agonizing few minutes of trying to ignore it, his curiosity got the better of him and he opened it, glancing down. His mouth went dry at the sight of Sonny’s cock, thick and hard in his hand, and he adjusted himself in his own pants, trying to keep his focus on the road.

 _You’re an asshole_ , he thought to himself with a wry laugh, shaking his head.

His mind kept going back to that picture for the remainder of the drive, and when he got there, somehow managing to get a park just around the corner, he had to take a moment to truly compose himself before he got out of the car.

The bar was loud and crowded, and he couldn’t see Sonny anywhere. He closed his eyes, praying to a God he wasn’t sure he believed in that Sonny was anywhere but the bathroom, when his phone buzzed in his pocket again.

_Sonny Carisi: im waiting for u in bathrm_

_Sonny Carisi: pls_

_Sonny Carisi: i need u_

He took a deep breath and leaned against the corner of the bar.

**Trevor Langan: I’m not sure that’s wise. I’m parked around the corner. Let me drive you home.**

He waited for a response for what felt like ages, watching the minutes tick by agonizingly slowly, before a sense of worry overtook any kind of arousal he’d been feeling before.

**Trevor Langan: You okay?**

When a whole minute passed with no response, his stomach flipped, and he took a deep breath before heading for the bathroom.

“Sonny?” He called, heading for the first stall. “You in here?”

He heard a small thud coming from the stall and pushed, but the door was, predictably, locked.

“Sonny, I need you to unlock the door.”

He waited a few beats, listening to Sonny mutter a curse or two before the door to the stall opened, presenting him with a very drunk Sonny smiling lazily at him, leaning against the stall wall.

“You came,” Sonny practically sang at him before lunging forward, grabbing hold of him in a hug.

Trevor only just managed to wind his arms around Sonny as he began slipping to the floor, and he sighed, dragging Sonny out of the stall before slinging an arm around his waist to lead him out.

“Have a drink with me!” Sonny shouted over the music, leaning heavily into Trevor’s side.

“I’m taking you home.”

“To yours?” Sonny sounded hopeful, and when Trevor glanced down he was looking up at him with wide, shining eyes and a tentative smile, and Trevor’s heart fluttered in his chest.

He wanted to say yes. He so desperately wanted to say yes. But Sonny was drunk, and though he’d had feelings for Sonny for a while, and he had, on occasion, thought perhaps Sonny felt the same, he knew it wouldn’t be right.

“No,” he said softly once they were outside. “To yours.”

The alone was left unspoken, but he doubted it would matter. Sonny would pass out the moment he got home, and Trevor already knew they would simply forget about this tomorrow, figured Sonny might genuinely forget, considering he was already passing out against Trevor as they walked.


	59. Calex (college AU) - “I don’t understand how you can be that annoying and that adorable at the same time.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178376795707/i-dont-understand-how-you-can-be-that-annoying

Casey flicked another piece of popcorn at Alex, stifling a laugh as she huffed in annoyance, likely unaware she’d even made the noise. She waited a moment before doing it again, and this time Alex threw her pen in retaliation, turning to watch as Casey squealed, ducking for cover, grabbing hold of a cushion to hide behind.

When Casey peeked over the cushion to look, Alex rolled her eyes. “I don’t understand how you can be that annoying and that adorable at the same time.”

Casey grinned, figuring she was in the clear, and tossed the pillow aside. “It’s ‘cause you love me.”

“Unfortunately,” Alex deadpanned, and Casey pretended to be offended.

“I’ll have you know, I bring a lot to this relationship.”

Alex peered at her over the rim of her glasses before huffing, picking her book back up, prepared to tune the world out once more.

“You should be studying,” Alex muttered, popping one of the stray pieces of popcorn into her mouth.

“I have been. I will be. But, Alex, I miss you.”

Alex visibly deflated at that, placing the book down to look at Casey. “I can’t afford to fail.”

“And you won’t. When have you ever failed at anything in your life?” Alex opened her mouth to speak, but Casey cut her off. “Sport doesn’t count.”

Alex closed her mouth, smirk forming on her lips. “That’s because I work hard.”

“I know. But one day won’t hurt.”

Alex sighed, reaching over to grab a handful of popcorn. “Fine. Two hours. Choose what you want to do wisely.”

Without missing a beat, Casey lunged forward, pressing a messy, passionate kiss to Alex’s lips.

“I have a few ideas.”


	60. Cargan - "the worst part is, i loved you anyway"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178377181232/the-worst-part-is-i-loved-you-anyway-cargan

Sonny stared at the key in his hand for what felt like an age, a numbness spreading through him as his heart thumped loudly in his ears. He’d thought about moving in with Trevor. Of course he had. It was the next logical step, and he spent almost all of his spare time at Trevor’s apartment anyway.

But the reality of it was too much. The reality meant shifting all of his possessions there, changing his address with everything he’d ever signed up for, canceling various subscriptions to his house, and, worst of all, letting people know.

 

That was the part he struggled with the most. Trevor was a private man, and dating him had been easy. He hadn’t needed Sonny to be out, to bring him to meet his friends and family, and even though, slowly, some people became aware of their situation, it was still easy, it never needed to be addressed, and Trevor never made him feel like it had to. He wasn’t interested in meeting Sonny’s family if it was only going to cause trouble. He wasn’t interested in meeting people who would likely not only hate him, but potentially hate their son because of him, so they simply hadn’t. No one had to know.

But moving in would mean making that public. Moving in would mean friends and family had to know he was living with another man, and while Trevor’s apartment was large enough for them to pose as housemates, the thought of creating a simple secret into a lie gave him a headache.

Finally, he forced himself to look at Trevor, and he felt his heart crack at the sadness and uncertainty he saw in the usually confident man’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, letting the key drop to the lounge in a move that he felt should have been deafening, but made no sound on the soft fabric. “I can’t.”

“It’s okay,” Trevor said with a sad smile, reaching out to take Sonny’s hand, but he pulled away.

“I just…Trevor, I can’t. I can’t keep doing this to you.” He glanced down at his hands, twisting them in his lap. “I thought I could, but I…I can’t.”

Trevor didn’t respond, and they sat in agonizing silence before Sonny forced himself to make eye contact again.

“I knew this day would come,” Trevor said, sounding old and tired and a little broken. “I’d just hoped we could last a little longer.”

“What do you mean?” Sonny croaked.

“I mean, I knew this had an expiration date. I knew it would become too much for you, one day. I’d naively hoped we could live together for a while first. Pretend for a little longer.”

Sonny stared at him, unable to form words or even fully grasp what Trevor was saying to him. It didn’t make sense, someone staying with him when they knew they’d be hurt in the end. He never would have started this if he knew he would end up hurting someone so incredible. He’d honestly thought this could work. He supposed he’d been just as naive.

“The worst part is,” Trevor sighed, “I loved you anyway.”

Sonny’s heart cracked clean in two, and he felt sick for having caused so much pain. “I love you,” he whispered, voice shaking. “I love you, but I can’t.”

“I know,” Trevor matched his volume, cupping Sonny’s cheek, and Sonny leaned into the touch for a moment before collapsing into Trevor. “I love you, too. Always.”


	61. Calex - “Wipe that smile off your face.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178377702482/wipe-that-smile-off-your-face-calex

A frustrated groan tore its way from Alex’s throat and she slammed the book in front of her shut, running a hand through her hair as she sat back in her chair. **  
**

She turned to look at Casey, hoping she had something, anything to alleviate the frustration, the feeling of getting nowhere. But Casey was just smiling at her, eyes soft, and she felt her frustration bubble over into anger.

“Wipe that smile off your face,” she snapped, pushing her glasses up onto her head.

“Sorry,” Casey murmured, but the smile didn’t leave her face. “S’just, you’re cute when you’re angry.”

“Seriously? Not helpful.”

Casey shrugged, turning back to the book that was spread open in front of her, pen poised on her legal pad. Alex watched her for a moment, watched the way Casey bit her lip as she focussed, sticking her tongue between her teeth as she began writing furiously, and her anger and frustration subsided somewhat.

“How about we take a break,” she suggested softly.

“You? Taking a break?” Casey looked up with a grin. “Seriously?”

Alex rolled her eyes. “I could be persuaded, but you’re going about it all wrong.”

“You suggested it.”

Alex sighed, raking her fingers through her hair again, casting her glasses aside. After a beat, Casey moved across the lounge, so close their thighs were pressed together, and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“What did you have in mind?” Casey pitched her voice low, finger trailing up Alex’s thigh, and all thoughts of coffee and cake flew out the window in favor of grabbing Casey’s face in her hands, kissing her hungrily.

“That work for you?” She asked breathlessly when they broke apart.

Casey swallowed, nodding as she rested her forehead against Alex’s. “Yeah. Yeah, that works for me,” she said before capturing Alex’s lips once more.


	62. Bane/Barbone - “I’m here.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178431546697/im-here-bane

Rafael flicked the light on the moment his hand could fit through the gap in the door, eyes tracking every inch of space as the door opened further and further, revealing more. Not for the first time, he was grateful for open plan living.

He listened to the deadbolt click behind him before allowing himself a moment to melt against the door, Peter’s breath ghosting across his face before kissing him hungrily, like he’d been waiting his whole life to do it, like it was the first time.

 

One. Two. Three.

He broke away, pushing on Peter’s hips so he could turn around. He could feel the hairs stand up on the back of his neck knowing Peter was there, watching him, wanting him, but it didn’t change his need check.

He closed his hand around the door handle, testing it once, twice, three times, before he pulled for extra measure, then pushed to make sure it was locked in place.

Peter’s hands found his hips once more, breath hot against his neck, and he leaned back into the touch, let his head rest back against Peter’s shoulder, straining his neck to press a kiss to his jaw.

“I’ll be back in a moment,” Rafael murmured, pulling away once more.

He took a deep breath before taking a step, counting each of the fifteen steps to his bedroom door. He cracked the door open, reaching for the light switch before opening it fully, taking the room in inch by inch. He took another breath before counting the five steps towards his dresser, placing his wallet and keys in their nook.

Six steps to the walk-in wardrobe, skin prickling with anticipation.

“You okay?” Peter called out, a tinge of worry in his voice.

Rafael stepped inside the walk-in, eyes tracking every corner. He wanted to go back to Peter, kiss him senseless, abandon his routine, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to.

“I’m fine,” he called back as he closed the door to the walk-in behind him.

Eleven steps back to the door, four steps up the hall to the spare bedroom, just to check—somehow, the spare bedroom always made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end—and then four steps to the bathroom, always the last on his checklist.

When the bathroom, too, was clear, he stepped back out, and instantly arms were around him, causing an embarrassing yelp to slip past his lips.

“Sorry,” Peter frowned, taking a small step back. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Rafael took a deep breath before reaching out to pull Peter back towards him. “Never better,” he purred before pulling Peter into a searing kiss, backing him towards his bedroom.

—

Rafael awoke suddenly, heart pounding erratically. He listened intently, waiting to hear something, whatever it was that had woken him up, and after a moment, he heard a tap, not quite a bang, like plastic falling to tiled floor. He sat up in an instant, legs swinging over the edge of the bed, reaching blindly for his phone.

Then came a heavy stream of water, and he frowned, confused for a moment before realizing someone was using his toilet. The breath he’d been holding rushed out of him, leaving him feeling light-headed as he remembered Peter had stayed the night.

He listened to the toilet flush and the tap run with closed eyes, willing his heart to calm down before Peter came back to bed, but he had no such luck.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Peter asked quietly, closing the bedroom door behind him, but Rafael couldn’t seem to make his mouth work.

Peter padded across the floorboards to his side of the bed, quiet as ever despite not needing to be now, and Rafael counted the steps. Peter’s stride was longer than his, his steps fewer, and for some reason that only made Rafael’s heart beat faster. The numbers weren’t right, weren’t calming and familiar.

“Hey,” Peter said softly as the bed dipped with his weight. “You okay?”

A gentle hand landed on Rafael’s shoulder and he leaned into the touch, letting it guide him back under the covers, eyes still closed, now counting his breaths.

In, one, two, three.

Out, one, two, three.

In, one, two, three.

Out, one, two, three.

Peter just held him, silent and patient, waiting until Rafael had calmed down enough to speak.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked out, eyes still shut, too embarrassed to look at Peter now.

“What for?”

“It’s silly.”

“It’s not.” Peter’s voice was unbearably gentle, so full of compassion that Rafael had to look at him, sigh slipping past his lips.

“You have no idea.”

Peter propped himself up on his elbow, head resting in his hand, pulling Rafael ever-closer with his other arm. “So tell me.”

“Death threats. I’m sure you get them too.” Peter nodded. “Well, mine became in-person threats, physical threats, threats with a name and a gang and an unknown force behind them. I guess I never quite got over it.”

Peter smiled sadly before leaning in to press a feather-light kiss to Rafael’s cheek. “That’s understandable.

“It’s ridiculous,” Rafael huffed, turning away.

Peter was silent and still for a while, but eventually, he settled behind Rafael, pulling him flush against his chest, face nuzzled into the crook of his neck. He breathed in before pressing a kiss to Rafael’s shoulder, and Rafael melted into the touch in an instant, a blessed sense of calm washing over him.

“I’m here,” Peter said quietly. “And as long as I’m here, no one will ever hurt you.”

Rafael huffed a disbelieving laugh. “You can’t promise that.”

“You’re right,” Peter conceded. “But I can do my damn best to make sure of it.”


	63. Calex - “My heart hurts.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178448820657/my-heart-hurts-calex

Casey didn’t cry when they came and informed her that Alex was dead. It hadn’t felt real. She asked—no, demanded—to see the body, and was told that she couldn’t, that it was too late for that, and Casey’s mind simply refused to accept it without evidence.

Her bed had felt cold that night, empty, and that emptiness seemed to seep into her chest, filling her up, not allowing her to sleep.

This seemed to go on for days until the funeral came. Casey didn’t feel a need to mourn, had somehow still not accepted the fact that Alex was gone and was never coming back, but without the mourning, and without Alex by her side, she was stuck somewhere in between, numb, empty, cold.

The funeral was nice, the sun was bright, people around her cried, consoled her, but she couldn’t seem to shed a single tear, no matter how desperately she wished she could. Shame crept up inside of her then, knowing people must surely see her as cold and unfeeling.

It wasn’t until the offer came through from the DA, the offer for Alex’s old position, that something inside of her snapped.

She left the office without a word, heading straight for the cemetery, her heart pounding insistently, as though trying to crack itself against her ribs, and she thought perhaps that was exactly what was happening. It seemed fitting for her heart to literally shatter when it was already metaphorically broken.

She felt off-balance as she made her way to Alex’s grave, and the moment she stopped in front of the headstone her legs gave way, an unexpected sob tearing its way from her chest as hot tears fell from her eyes, when just seconds ago they had been completely dry.

She gasped for breath, clutching at her chest, wanting nothing more than to have Alex wrap her arms around her, hold her close, tell her that it was going to be alright. But wanting that just made it worse, and she felt sick, nausea swirling in her stomach as the acidic taste of bile hit the back of her tongue. She felt unhinged, completely broken in a way she thought she’d ought to have felt from the start.

Casey could almost imagine Alex telling her to pick herself up, dust herself off, and move on.

“You’ve had worse days than this,” Alex’s voice sung in her head, and she gasped out a wet sob.

“My heart hurts,” she moaned pathetically, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes until little bursts of light danced around the darkness. “Everything hurts. It’s not fair.”

“When has life ever been fair?”

A laugh bubbled up inside of her, manic and loud, and she finally had enough sense to feel shame, though there was no one to witness her break down.

Casey took a few deep, calming breaths before wiping her eyes. She reached out to touch the headstone, shivering as her skin hit the icy marble.

“I love you, Alex Cabot. More than I could have ever put into words. I only hope you knew that.” She sniffed, lowering her head. “We’ll be together again. I know it.”


	64. Bangan - "just sit down and let me take care of you.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178446530042/just-sit-down-and-let-me-take-care-of-you-and

Trevor was late. That was Rafael’s first sign that something was off. He watched with narrowed eyes as Trevor walked into the courtroom, face unusually waxy, watched him sway as he collected his papers in front of him, clearing his throat.

The motion hearing was quick, to the point, and for that Rafael was grateful, more grateful than usual. In the five minutes they had been standing there, Trevor had broken out into a sweat, beads dotting his forehead, visible even from where Rafael was standing.

The moment the gavel went down, Rafael moved towards him, watching as his hands shook, fingers clumsy as he tried to place his papers in his briefcase.

“You’re sick,” he commented uselessly, catching Trevor’s elbow to lead him out of the courtroom while his client was taken away.

“I’m fine,” Trevor waved him off before pausing, swallowing hard, and Rafael eyed the trashcan nearby, just in case.

“Home. Now.”

He ignored Trevor’s weak protests, guiding him outside and into a cab, firing off a rapid set of texts to Carmen with instructions regarding his calendar and workload for the rest of the day, glancing sideways at Trevor every few seconds, just to make sure.

Once he was done, he simply watched as Trevor leaned with his head against the window, eyes closed, body trembling just slightly. He reached across, brushing his fingers across Trevor’s cheek, hot to the touch, before letting his hand rest atop Trevor’s on his knee.

When the car pulled up outside Trevor’s apartment, he made no effort to move, even after Rafael had paid.

“We’re here,” he said softly, and Trevor grunted in response, not opening his eyes.

“Gimme a second,” he mumbled, taking a deep breath that he released slowly before blinking his eyes open.

“You good?” Rafael asked, half out of genuine concern for Trevor, and half because he didn’t quite know what to do if Trevor wasn’t okay. There was no way he could support Trevor’s tall frame against his own.

“Yeah,” Trevor breathed out, unbuckling the seatbelt. “Yeah.”

Rafael moved around to Trevor’s side of the car, offering him a hand. He swayed as he stood, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, taking a few deep breaths, and Rafael felt entirely out of his depth.

Still, blessedly, Trevor managed to walk himself to the elevator, hold himself upright until they reached the top floor, and make it all the way to his apartment before he needed to lean against the wall, eyes screwed shut once more.

“We’re almost there,” Rafael soothed, taking the keys from Trevor’s hand to let them in.

“It’d be easier if the ground stayed still,” Trevor muttered in response, and Rafael smirked.

“Nice to know your sarcasm never leaves you.”

Trevor opened his eyes, shooting Rafael a surprisingly smug smile, considering his current state, as he followed Rafael into the apartment. He hovered by the door for a moment, contemplating, before moving with surprising speed towards the bathroom. Rafael cringed as Trevor emptied the contents of his stomach, opting to make tea instead of following.

After what felt like an eternity of listening to Trevor heave, Rafael’s own stomach churning each time, Trevor finally returned, looking ghostly white and absolutely exhausted.

“You don’t need to stay,” Trevor said quietly before attempting to clear the rasp from his voice. “I don’t want to make you sick, too.”

“Ah, and he finally admits he’s sick,” Rafael smirked, picking their mugs up from the bench.

Trevor rolled his eyes. “I’m serious.”

Rafael sighed, motioning with his head for Trevor to follow as he made his way to the lounge. “Just sit down and let me take care of you.” Trevor opened his mouth to speak, but Rafael cut him off with a quiet, “Please.”

Trevor sighed, accepting the mug of ginger tea before sitting down. He brought the mug to lips before wrinkling his nose.

“It’ll be good for your stomach,” Rafael encouraged.

Trevor took a sip, grimacing at the taste. “I don’t suppose you’re drinking this, too?”

“Coffee,” he replied with a grin, prompting Trevor to mutter something under his breath, resting back further into the cushions.

Rafael’s grin softened to a smile, and he reached out to brush Trevor’s hair back off his forehead, skin burning to the touch.

“I’m okay,” Trevor mumbled, eyes slipping shut, and Rafael reached out to take the mug off him before he spilled it.

“Of course you are,” Rafael said softly, gently maneuvering Trevor until he was laying down.

He draped the blanket from the back of the lounge over Trevor’s body before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead, warmth blooming in his chest at the contented little noise that slipped past Trevor’s lips.


	65. Cargan - "I needed you, and you weren’t there"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178495541802/i-needed-you-and-you-werent-there-cargan

Trevor blinked slowly, unaware of how much time had passed since he’d sat down. He’d been doing that a lot lately, getting lost inside his own head, trying to process what it was he was feeling. He’d thought the funeral would help, thought that allowing himself a rare moment to cry would help, but he realized nothing in the world could help. The loss of a best friend was an indescribable pain, and Trevor had been wholly unprepared.

A frantic knock sounded at the door, reminding him of what had shaken him from his thoughts in the first place, and he sighed, placing his empty scotch glass on the table as he heaved himself up from the lounge. As he peered through the peephole and saw Sonny on the other side, his instinct was a dulled sense of excitement, but as he pulled away to open the door, excitement gave way to anger.

“I’m back,” Sonny breathed out with a tired smile, looking more than a little worse for wear.

Trevor was sure he looked thinner than before, which he would have thought impossible until faced with it. His hair was a mess, sticking up at all angles, and Trevor tracked his eyes down Sonny’s body, taking in every detail. There was a cut on the side of Sonny’s neck, not stitched up, so never deep enough to require it. There was blood crusting on the collar of his t-shirt, and Trevor felt his stomach flip, not wanting to take in any more.

“You got him, then?” He asked, stepping aside to let Sonny in, because, despite the irrational anger he was feeling, he still couldn’t bear to turn Sonny away.

Sonny frowned, dumping his bag on the floor before turning back to Trevor, reaching out for him. The moment Sonny was pulling him into a hug, Trevor pulled back, out of his grasp, away from outstretched hands.

Sonny stared at him, bottom lip quivering, before he swallowed. “Yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah we got him.”

“Good,” Trevor said with a nod, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice as he asked, “Was it worth it?”

Sonny seemed to contemplate him, likely trying to build an appropriate answer to ease Trevor’s mood, but he didn’t want that. He wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, what the point of feeling angry was, but he knew he didn’t want to be coddled.

“Of course it was worth it,” Sonny settled on, voice shaking a little. “We got another sex trafficker off the streets and all his sidekicks along with him. We saved so many people. That’s the whole…” Sonny trailed off with a small sigh as Trevor folded his arms across his chest. “I thought you understood why I had to do this.”

He didn’t have a response to that. He had understood. He still did, if he were being completely honest. But he also hadn’t anticipated just how much he would need Sonny while he was gone, and while that wasn’t even remotely his fault, it was far easier to be angry at him than to sink back into the lounge and give way to emptiness again.

“Logic, Sonny, would have told you what you needed to know,” he snapped, folding his arms just a little tighter.

Anger flashed in Sonny’s eyes, and he took a breath, turning away for a moment. “God, I understand being upset because you missed me, or you were scared for my life, or whatever. I could understand that. But we talked about this before, and you said—“

“I needed you and you weren’t there!” Trevor shouted, chest heaving at the outburst.

He could feel the prickle of tears at his eyes, could feel his heart beating against his ribcage, too fast, too erratic. He swallowed hard against the lump forming in his throat and let his hands drop to his sides, hanging his head. He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to gain some sense of composure, but it was no use.

“What happened?” Sonny whispered, tentatively reaching for his hand.

Trevor gripped his hand tight, so tight he was sure it must have hurt, but he couldn’t seem to loosen his hold. He opened his mouth to respond, but all that came out was a shaky breath, and he clamped his mouth shut, along with his eyes, squeezing tight.

“Hey,” Sonny whispered, reaching up to brush his fingers across Trevor’s cheek before cupping it gently. “Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry,” Trevor gasped out, turning his head into Sonny’s palm, pressing a gentle kiss there.

Sonny didn’t respond, just pulled Trevor in close, holding him tightly. His body shook as he tried to hold back his tears, but it was no use, and he gave into them, pressing his face into Sonny’s hair.

“I’ve got you,” Sonny soothed. “I’m here now. I’ve got you.”


	66. Stogan - Long absence +soulmate AU (+ sneaky military au added)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178496223382/long-absence-soulmate-au-stogan

Trevor still remembers how it felt to have to let Peter go. He still remembers the way his heart seemed to protest, straining against what he knew was to come.

He remembers wanting to beg Peter to stay, but knowing it would be of no use. He had to do this. He had to go fight for his country. Trevor didn’t understand it, not entirely, not when they could fight in a different way, side by side, in a courtroom, but he understood the need to fight nonetheless.

He remembers holding Peter tight as he cried, tucking his head under his chin, letting him openly sob into his chest. He remembers not shedding a single tear despite the ache in his chest, the buzz in his head, the acidic bile bubbling in his stomach, churning at the thought of never seeing his soulmate again.

Most if all, he remembers the mark on his wrist burning bright as Peter boarded the plane, a stark, vivid reminder that Peter was alive and well.

_“I’ll be back before you know it.”_

Every day he would look at that mark, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, multiple times throughout the day, a gentle reminder that, even though he couldn’t see him, couldn’t hear his voice, Peter was alive.

Until that morning when he’d woken with a gasp, heart beating erratically, tears burning his eyes. His first instinct had been to check, and he still hasn’t quite shaken the feeling of his stomach sinking, still hasn’t managed to get rid if the taste of bile at the back of his throat.

He sits, and he waits, and he watches his wrist like it’s the most captivating display on earth. He watches as the mark flickers, never burning bright, but sparking every now and again, and he knows as long as that continues, Peter is fighting for his life.

The waiting room feels too small, too claustrophobic, far too isolating, but Trevor doesn’t dare leave for fear of what might happen if he’s not nearby. Not for the first time, he regrets not begging Peter to stay.

For just a moment, a split second as a nurse walks by, he takes his eye off his wrist, and at that moment his heart skips a beat. He feels an unknown surge of panic and looks back down, mark dull, not even flickering.

“Come on,” he whispers, vision blurring with tears. “Come back to me.”


	67. Bane/Barbone - "It doesn’t matter what they think, I just care about what you think.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178524931757/it-doesnt-matter-what-they-think-i-just-care

Peter could feel the morning light filter across his face, warm and inviting, and he smiled as he rolled over. He watched with sleep-hazed affection as Rafael dressed himself quietly, unaware Peter was awake.

“Where are you going?”

Rafael jumped before turning, and Peter felt his smile slip at the expression on Rafael’s face. He looked guilty, like he’d been caught, but there was something else there, too. Something sad and unexpected.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael said with a sad smile. “I was hoping to leave before you woke up.

“Why?” Peter all but whispered, patting the bed beside him, hoping Rafael would take him on his offer.

He didn’t. Instead he sighed, sitting in the chair opposite, running a hand over his face. “I can’t keep doing this, Peter.”

“Okay,” Peter cleared his throat, propping himself up so he could get a better look at Rafael. “I thought we were having fun.”

Rafael nodded, trying to look stern, but his expression was far too pinched for that. “We were. And now it’s over.”

Peter swallowed and nodded, sitting up, pulling the blankets with him. He desperately wanted to beg Rafael to stay, to reconsider, but he didn’t want to sound needy, so he let the words go unsaid, feeling exposed for the way they must surely be written on his face.

Rafael watched him, seeming unable to leave, unable to pick himself up from that chair under Peter’s gaze, and he felt emboldened, just a little.

“Is it something I did? Because—“

“No. God. No, you’re…perfect.”

Peter laughed, unable to help himself. He felt far from perfect at that moment, barely resisting the urge to outright beg Rafael to return to him, barely resisting the urge to blurt out the confession of love on the tip of his tongue.

Rafael’s lips quirked up in a smirk as he ducked his head, trying to hide it, and Peter felt a pang in his chest, throat growing unexpectedly tight.

“If I’m so perfect,” Peter started slowly, trying to keep his voice measured, “then why leave?”

“Think of what people will say about you if they found out,” Rafael whispered. “You’re morally solid, a good man, the DA’s golden boy. I’ll only ruin your reputation, so I think it’s best we quit while we’re ahead.”

As the words sunk in, Peter found himself rising from the bed, crossing the space between them to kneel in front of Rafael. He smiled as he caught Rafael’s eyes, surprisingly wet, surprisingly sad, heart laid bare in a move so unlike himself that Peter felt he was intruding. But he forced himself to make eye contact, taking Rafael’s hands in his own.

“It doesn’t matter what they think. I only care about what you think.” He squeezed Rafael’s hands for emphasis before adding with a chuckle, “And, clearly, you think quite highly of me.”

Rafael shook his head, trying to pull away, but Peter just reached up to cup his cheek, to hold him in place. He brushed his thumb across Rafael’s cheekbone before trailing his finger down his jawline, tilting his head as he leaned up, lips ghosting across Rafael’s.

“I mean it,” he whispered, and he could see Rafael’s eyes darting around, searching. “I care more about you than any of them.”

Before Rafael could respond, before he could attempt to protest again, Peter closed the distance, and Rafael melted against him instantly, pulling him in closer.


	68. Barollins - “Like I expected, you’re much comfier than my pillow.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178529389247/like-i-expected-youre-much-comfier-than-my

Amanda frowned, steeling herself before she looked through the peephole on her door. She’d already run through the multitude of people who could be on the other side, ranging from Liv to her own mother, but she hadn’t considered Rafael, looking more than a little worse for wear, even in the distorted view the peephole provided.

“Barba? What the hell?” She asked as she opened the door, and he just half-smiled at her, eyes red-rimmed and sad, and her heart clenched at the sight.

“Was in the neighborhood,” he muttered as she moved aside to let him in, and she hummed in response, not buying it for a second.

He wandered into the lounge room before turning, looking lost, like he didn’t know where he was or how he got there.

“Jeez, Rafael, how much did you have to drink?”

“I lost count,” he shrugged.

“Any reason for the excess drinking?” She asked, her way of asking if he was okay without being quite so overt about it.

He turned towards her fully, smiling again, that broken thing he’d worn on his face at the door. “I thought it would help.”

“Help what?” She asked, moving towards him. “What’s up?”

He shook his head, swallowing, before reaching out to cup her face. “I just needed to see you,” he said quietly, swaying a little.

“Okay, woah.” She reached out to steady him.

For a moment they just looked at each other before his lips crashed against hers, clumsy and needy in all the ways he usually wasn’t. She gently pried him from her, held him at arm’s length, and for a moment she was worried he was going to cry.

“C’mon,” she said softly, wrapping an arm around him. “Bed.”

He nodded, leaning into her touch as she led him to the bedroom. He was surprisingly easy to undress, compliant and silent, and when she got under the covers he scooted close, curling in on her so his head was rested on her chest.

“Like I expected, you’re much comfier than my pillow,” he muttered, finally sounding content, and she laughed, patting his head.

“Okay, Barba. If you say so.”


	69. Cargan - "This is vodka, it warms my heart."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178540182917/this-is-vodka-it-warms-my-heart-cargan

Trevor blinked awake, surprised to find the bed cold and empty beside him. It felt like forever since he’d woken up in the middle of the night alone. He and Sonny didn’t live together, but at the rate they were going, they might as well be.

The faint murmur of voices from the TV filtered into the bedroom, distorted by the walls and distance between, and Trevor figured Sonny must have fallen asleep on the lounge watching a game, or an old movie, something from his childhood.

He was expecting to find Sonny sprawled on the lounge, snoring softly, limbs taking up all the available space. Instead, Sonny was sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest, the smell of alcohol wafting through the air.

“Hey,” Sonny said with a soft smile, turning as Trevor made his way into the room.

“Why are you drinking at,” he paused, glancing at the clock on the mantel, “two in the morning?”

Sonny grinned at him, lopsided and sleepy, and Trevor felt a pang in his chest, affection filling him up in an instant.

“This is vodka,” he gestured to the bottle sitting beside him. “It warms my heart.”

“I think you’ll find it warms your liver,” Trevor muttered, sitting beside Sonny on the floor, legs folded under him. “If your heart were any warmer it would burn.”

Sonny laughed, resting his head on Trevor’s shoulder. “It’s good for you. Makes you happy.”

“I thought I made you happy?” Trevor teased, covering a flash of concern that Sonny had been feeling miserable enough to turn to alcohol and he’d missed it entirely.

“Course you do,” Sonny slurred, weight pressing into Trevor’s side.

“But not as much as vodka.”

“Nah, I think you’re better than vodka.”

“What a compliment, I’m flattered,” he deadpanned, prompting another laugh from Sonny.

“You’re so…you’re half asleep and you’re still…sassy. A sassy…sasquatch!”

He laughed at his own joke, prompting a surprised laugh from Trevor as Sonny pressed his face into Trevor’s neck.

“Geddit?” Sonny mumbled, lips brushing the skin at the curve of Trevor’s neck. “Cos you’re a giant.”

Trevor rolled his eyes, wrapping his arm around Sonny’s shoulders, not bothering to say another word as Sonny dissolved into laughter again.


	70. Calex - "You crossed a line."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178540972932/you-crossed-a-line-calex

Casey stormed into her office, slamming the door behind her. Her skin crawled when she didn’t hear the anticipated bang, and instead had to endure the tap of heeled shoes across the floor until Alex stopped behind her. Even with her back turned, she could picture the way Alex was standing, arms folded across her chest, lips pursed while she waited for acknowledgment.

Casey chose not to give her the satisfaction, opting instead to move around to her desk, sitting down without looking up, for once grateful for her usual mess of papers scattered everywhere.

“Oh please,” Alex muttered, and Casey could hear the eye roll in her voice. “You’re behaving like a child.”

Casey felt the hairs on her arms prickle as fire coursed through her veins, rage filling her from head to toe. She bit her lip, fighting back everything she wanted to say, not wanting to give Alex the satisfaction of appearing in any way emotional.

“I was right and you know it,” Alex continued, the click of her heels bringing her so close Casey could smell her.

Alex’s shadow loomed over her, perfectly manicured fingers splaying across her desk, and she sucked in a sharp breath, finally looking up.

“I have a lot of work to do.” She gestured at the paperwork in front of her for emphasis. “You can show yourself out.”

Alex stood up straight, shock written in her features at being dismissed so easily. “Come on, Casey, you can’t—“

“I can,” she hissed, failing to keep a lid on her anger as she pushed back on her chair. “Get out.”

“Casey—“

“No,” she snapped, standing up, leaning over her own desk into Alex’s space, looking up at her through her lashes. “You crossed a line.”

Alex swallowed, taking a step back, and Casey felt a stab of satisfaction for finally having the upper hand in their relationship.

“I don’t know what you expected me to do,” Alex whispered, and Casey tried not to let the waver in her voice crumble her resolve.

“I expected you not to undermine me in front of a room full of men,” Casey hissed, standing up straight again. “I expected you to have my back, like I always have yours.”

Alex opened her mouth to speak, but Casey cut her off with a glare, swallowing hard on the rising lump in her throat, willing her voice not to betray just how hurt she felt.

“I expected you to be my partner, not my adversary. Clearly, I expected too much.”

Something bitter crossed Alex’s features, and Casey knew she’d landed her punch. “I’m sorry I don’t put you before the victims we try to help,” she spat before turning on her heel and leaving.

Casey listened to the tap of Alex’s shoes grow more and more distant until they failed completely, and she let out a shaky breath, sinking into her seat. As always, Alex landed the last punch. And, as always, Alex somehow held the moral high ground.


	71. Cargan - “Wait, let me get a picture of you there.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178543343107/wait-let-me-get-a-picture-of-you-there

As they walked hand in hand through the streets of Prague, Trevor honestly thought he’d never felt happier. The sun was shining, people were out in their multitudes looking happy, and Sonny was a beacon of light, grinning from ear to ear as he stopped every few seconds to take a photo.

“Wait,” Sonny insisted, stopping Trevor with his hand. “Let me get a picture of you there.”

Trevor looked around them, glancing down at the water below the bridge they were crossing, before looking back at Sonny. “Me?”

“Yeah,” Sonny grinned. “It’s the perfect spot.”

Trevor ducked his head, a light blush dusting his cheeks at the thought of being the subject of a photo like that. He could pose for professional work photos, stand tall and proud for the press, but this was different. This was intimate, and Sonny’s eyes were shining, and the thought made his stomach swoop.

He glanced up at Sonny, who was looking at him, so hopeful, eyes practically begging, and he sighed.

“Okay,” he muttered, turning his head away to take a breath, compose himself.

When he turned back, Sonny was studying his phone, camera still hung around his neck.

“You look perfect,” Sonny breathed out, moving towards him.

“You already took it?”

Sonny nodded, bringing his phone up in front of Trevor’s face. His breath caught in his throat as he slipped his glasses on, taking in the sight of himself. The sun seemed to light him perfectly, accentuating all the angles of his face, his head turned away from the camera. His hair looked lighter, and something about the photo made him look younger.

“You have a keen eye,” he said, voice surprisingly rough.

“I have a good subject,” Sonny said softly, placing a hand on his arm.

Trevor laughed, shaking his head. “If I always looked like that—“

“You do,” Sonny insisted, and before Trevor could protest further, Sonny leaned up on his toes to kiss him.


	72. Stogan - “Can we be alone for a bit?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178571242062/can-we-be-alone-for-a-bit-stogan

Trevor heard the party get louder, then quieter again, as the door opened and closed behind him. He knew who it was without looking, knew there was no one else in the world who would want to risk the freezing cold just to be with him.

“Hey,” Peter said, a little too loud as he sat heavily beside Trevor on the wooden bench. “You’re missed.”

“By you,” Trevor said quietly, stubbing his cigarette out on the edge of a plate.

“What, am I not good enough?” Peter sounded hurt, and Trevor cursed himself and his own insecurities as he turned to look at Peter properly.

Even in the dim light he could see Peter’s cheeks were flushed, eyes bright and shining from alcohol. He looked perfect, somehow more so than usual, and Trevor felt a pang in his chest as he laced their fingers together, surprised, not for the first time, that Peter still saw something in him.

“You’re more than enough for me,” he said quietly, squeezing Peter’s hand for emphasis.

“So come back inside. Come have a drink.”

Trevor sighed, resting his head back against the brick wall behind him. “Can we be alone for a bit?”

Peter frowned, eyes darting between the finished cigarette and Trevor’s face.

“Of course we can,” he said eventually, resting his head on Trevor’s shoulder.

For a while, they simply sat in silence, and for the first time since he’d landed in Chicago, Trevor felt a sense of calm and contentedness wash over him.

“We can go home,” Peter said quietly after what felt like an eternity of silence.

“No,” Trevor sighed. “This is your party. Your big win. I don’t want to ruin that.”

“I know you don’t like parties.” Peter turned his head, chin resting on Trevor’s shoulder, breath ghosting across his chin. “I don’t so much either, anymore.”

Trevor laughed, leaning in to press a kiss to Peter’s forehead. “Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go home.”


	73. Carlivia - “No one knows you’re mine.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178619226557/no-one-knows-youre-mine-carlivia

Olivia hesitated as she left Peter’s office, turning briefly to look at Carmen, who flashed her a quick smile. Right now, after the day she’d had, all she wanted was to go over there and kiss her, hold her close for just a moment to feel like everything would be okay again.

She returned the smile as best she could before continuing out into the hall, chest tight and aching as she measured her breathing. But just as she reached the door, Carmen called her name.

Olivia turned to look at her, hand resting n the door frame, exhaustion seeping into her bones.

“Come here,” Carmen said softly, and Olivia obeyed, coming to stand on the opposite side of Carmen’s desk. “You okay?”

Olivia bit her lip, rapping her knuckles on the desk as she looked away. She was okay. Or, at least, she knew she would be once she could go home, tuck Noah in, have a glass of wine and kiss her girlfriend. But she was tired, and she had just talked a fourteen year old girl down from the top of a building, heart lodged in her throat the entire time, and the adrenaline still hadn’t worn off. She couldn’t quite shake the image of the victim’s fear and sadness as she held herself tightly, shaking so violently that she could have just as easily fell by accident, as well.

“I’m fine,” she said, voice barely above a whisper, and before she knew it Carmen was beside her, hand covering her’s on the desk, and she felt unexpected tears sting her eyes.

“Look at me?” It was a request, not an order, but Olivia complied anyway, a small, wet laugh bubbling up from inside her.

“No one knows you’re mine,” she whispered, itching to reach out, to touch, to kiss. “No one knows, and on days like this it kills me.”

Carmen frowned, linking their fingers, moving in so close Olivia could barely make out her features.

“We can tell people,” she said quietly, other hand coming up to cup Olivia’s face. “You can tell whoever you want. I only want to make your life easier, not harder.”

Olivia shook her head, turning her face into Carmen’s hand. “You like your privacy. I don’t want to take that away from you.”

She went to move away, but Carmen stopped her with firm hands, pulling her back in.

“Peter already knows,” she whispered, lips ghosting across Olivia’s. “So I think we can steal a moment, if you want.”

Olivia leaned in, pressing her face into the side of Carmen’s neck, breathing her in for a moment, just holding her close.

“I love you,” she whispered, pulling back.

“I love you too.”

Carmen closed the distance, pressing a delicate kiss to Olivia’s lips, and in an instant she felt some of the stress of the day melt away, allowing herself to get lost in the sensation.


	74. Carlivia - “You make me feel safe.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178711407717/you-make-me-feel-safe-carlivia

It was moments like this that Olivia felt she could truly let her guard down. In the middle of the night, her head pillowed on Carmen’s stomach while Carmen ran her fingers through her hair. Drawing lazy patterns on Carmen’s stomach while the steady rise and fall of her breathing almost sent Olivia to sleep.

These moments were her favorite. Here, for these brief blips in time, she didn’t feel like a cop, a Lieutenant, a mom, an advocate. She was just Olivia, with no expectations to save the world, and for a moment she could just breathe, regroup, before going back out to play Wonder Woman all over again.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Carmen asked softly, pausing in her movements.

“You make me feel safe,” Olivia whispered, and Carmen laughed.

“Me? I’ve got fight, but I’m sure we both know who’d win.”

Olivia shook her head, propping herself up on her elbows to look at Carmen. “You’re the only person I don’t have to be…be strong for.”

Carmen’s grin softened as she sat up, leaning forward to cup Olivia’s face in her hands.

“I’m glad,” she said quietly, tucking a strand of hair behind Olivia’s ear before kissing her softly.


	75. Cargan - "Where did my pants go?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178747926777/where-did-my-pants-go-cargan

Trevor laid back, arms behind his head, enjoying the view as he watched Sonny stumble naked around his bedroom attempting to collect his clothes.

Instead of putting any of the items on, he dumped them on the end of the bed, practically bundled into a ball, rubbing his head as he turned again.

“Where did my pants go?”

Trevor chuckled, and Sonny turned to look at him, panic written on his face, which only made Trevor laugh harder.

“Trevor, it’s not funny!” Sonny insisted, stamping his foot like a child as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I can’t go home without my pants.”

“So don’t go home,” Trevor struggled, holding back his laughter.

“What? No. No I…really?” As though the words had just sunk in, Sonny looked at him, something like awe lighting up his eyes.

“Yes, really,” Trevor said softly, sitting up so he could reach for Sonny.

There was a moment’s hesitation, just long enough for Trevor to doubt that he actually wanted to stay, before Sonny took his hand. He grinned, pulling Sonny towards him, reveling in the way he toppled forward, landing awkwardly in his lap.

Sonny rearranged himself so he was straddling Trevor, and Trevor ran his hands up and down Sonny’s sides before resting them on his hips, firm but gentle, as he tilted his head upward, looking for a kiss.

Sonny cupped his face, eyes searching for a moment before he leaned down to capture Trevor’s lips with his own, warm and passionate. Trevor moaned into the kiss, pulling Sonny’s hips toward him, digging his fingers into the top of Sonny’s ass.

“You really want me to stay?” Sonny asked, breathless, eyes gleaming.

“I don’t say anything I don’t mean.”

Sonny grinned, settling himself properly in Trevor’s lap instead of hovering above him. “You’ve never asked before.”

Trevor chuckled, shaking his head as he pulled Sonny impossibly close. He pressed a delicate kiss to Sonny’s collar bone before resting his head on Sonny’s shoulder with a sigh.

“I was scared you would say no,” he admitted, letting his eyes fall shut.

Sonny remained silent for a moment, letting his fingertips ghost up and down Trevor’s spine before eventually saying, “Look at me?”

Trevor felt his stomach swoop, a knee-jerk nervous reaction to being exposed, to being seen, to being vulnerable in front of another person, but he complied anyway, lifting his head, meeting those sparkling baby blues.

“Is it too early to say I love you? Because I do,” Sonny whispered, cupping Trevor’s face. “I love you so much it hurts sometimes, y’know?”

Trevor laughed, bringing a hand up to cup the back of Sonny’s head. “I don’t think love’s supposed to hurt. Not like that.”

Sonny breathed out a laugh of his own, shaking his head. “Nah, I mean…it…it’s like, there’s too much, and my heart’s gonna burst because of it. It’s a good hurt. The best kind of hurt.”

Trevor felt his heart skip a beat, his stomach swooping once more with nerves, and, unable to look at Sonny any longer, he pulled him in for a searing kiss. Once they broke apart he let their foreheads fall together, his eyes slipping shut.

“I know,” he whispered. “I feel it too.”


	76. Calex (NSFW) - "We could get arrested for this."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178818297137/we-could-get-arrested-for-this-calex

Casey honestly hadn’t planned to bring Alex down to the beach just to seduce her. The picnic blanket was to avoid the grainy texture of sand that, despite her love of the ocean, always made her skin crawl when exposed for too long. The bottle of champagne was for celebration, because, despite everything, they’d made it, and they were free to rent a villa for a week and ignore the rest of the world in favor of each other. And, well, the kiss was par for the course—kissing Alex was Casey’s favorite pastime, and she was quite certain Alex felt the same way.

But she hadn’t intended for this. She hadn’t anticipated Alex to kiss her hungrily, to hover above her, to press her into the blanket, lips insistent, hands roaming. She hadn’t expected the sudden surge of lust she felt feeling Alex’s breath hot on her neck.

When Alex slid a hand up her skirt she gasped, body arching as a heat spread up her neck, flushing her face, eyelids fluttering shut.

“Alex,” she whispered breathlessly, and Alex just hummed in response, mouthing at her neck.

Casey allowed herself to get lost in the sensation a moment longer, skin prickling as Alex’s fingers trailed along the edge of her underwear, right at the crease of her thigh. It was when Alex slipped beneath them that Casey was brought back to her senses, breath coming a little too short as she tried to sit up.

“Alex, stop. Stop.”

Alex lifted her head, removing her hand, fingers gently trailing down Casey’s thigh, calming this time, not seductive, as she frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

“We could get arrested for this.”

Casey bit her lip as Alex smirked at her. “There’s no one here.”

“But what if someone comes?”

Alex’s hand slid back up her thigh and she let out a soft gasp, letting her head fall back again, some of her resolve dissipating.

“Trust me,” Alex purred, hovering above her. “Someone  _will_  come.”

Casey rolled her eyes, retort on the tip of her tongue, but Alex captured the words hungrily, hand slipping back inside her underwear, and Casey’s mind went blessedly blank.


	77. Cargan - “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that they’re you.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178818964292/i-cant-keep-kissing-strangers-and-pretending

Trevor sighed as he spied Sonny through the peephole, and he let his head rest against the door for a moment, closing his eyes. He knew he should walk away, pretend he wasn’t home, ignore Sonny’s knocking until he eventually left, but he didn’t have it in him. The Sonny standing on the other side of the door looked sad and jittery and pale, and Trevor would have had a hard time turning him away even if he’d looked the happiest he’d ever been.

He reached for the handle, forehead still pressed against the wood, willing himself to be stronger than this, reminding himself that he’d ended things with Sonny for a reason. He’d ended things with Sonny because he was young, and vibrant, and optimistic, and he had his whole life ahead of him to figure out what he wanted without being held back by a rapidly aging defense attorney. He’d ended things because there was so much Sonny wanted to see, so much he wanted to do, and Trevor was ready to just settle down and be comfortable. They were at different places in their lives, and it had been too much, too hard, and far too terrifying.

Trevor flinched, snapping from his thoughts as Sonny knocked again, louder and more insistent this time. He took a deep breath, straightening himself before opening the door.

“Can I come in?” Sonny asked in a rush, voice pitched just a little too high, and Trevor didn’t even hesitate before nodding, stepping aside to let him in.

He watched Sonny as he walked into the living room, pausing before walking a few steps back towards Trevor, face twisted with something that seemed far deeper, far more serious than sadness, and Trevor felt a pang deep in his stomach at the sight.

“What happened? What’s wrong?”

Sonny opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out, just a slow, shaky breath, mouth hanging open as he stared at Trevor’s chest, not meeting his eyes.

“Sonny, you’re scaring me,” he said quietly, taking a step towards him. “What happened? Do you need me to call someone, I—“

“I don’t want someone,” Sonny said, voice wavering. Slowly, he lifted his gaze, eyes wide and watery as they focused on Trevor’s face. “I want you.”

Trevor sighed, feeling another pang in his stomach, this time born less from fear and more from guilt. It seemed that no matter what he did he felt guilty.

“Sonny—“

“No,” Sonny bit out, voice sharp. “Don’t give me any of that bullshit. I’m so-so done thinking about that. Jesus Christ.”

Trevor pursed his lips, trying to think of something, anything to say as Sonny sucked in a ragged breath, raking a shaky hand through his hair.

“Why are you here, Sonny?”

“Because I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that they’re you!”

Trevor flinched as Sonny’s face came close to his, words echoing around them, loud and rough and so full of emotion it honestly broke Trevor’s heart. Sonny backed down after a moment, his breaths heavy, chest heaving with the effort.

“I miss you,” Sonny whimpered, turning his face away, and Trevor couldn’t help reaching for him and pulling him close.

Sonny pressed his face into Trevor’s shoulder, body trembling as tears soaked into his shirt. He didn’t know what to say, but he held Sonny close anyway, running a soothing hand up and down his back.

“Do you even miss me?” Sonny asked eventually, voice small as he pulled back from Trevor, not quite leaving his arms.

Trevor sighed. “Sonny—“

“Don’t. Just…answer me honestly. Please. You owe me that much.”

Trevor let his eyes fall shut, fingers splaying across Sonny’s back. “Of course I miss you. I miss you every single second of every single day.”

“Then take me back. Let me stay the night.”

Trevor took a deep, shaky breath, trying to find it in himself to say no. But instead he nodded, opening his eyes as he cupped Sonny’s cheek.

“Okay,” he whispered, even as guilt curled in his stomach, taunting him for his cowardice.


	78. Bane - "Don't touch me."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178885818392/dont-touch-me-bane

Peter followed Rafael out of the courthouse, weaving through the crowds of pedestrians, leaning up on his toes at every opportunity to make sure he didn’t lose sight of him. Eventually, just as Rafael was rounding the corner, Peter laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me,” Rafael hissed, spinning around violently.

Peter could see the tears in his eyes, could see the way his chest heaved, likely burning with each breath, and his stomach churned uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you?” Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Because last I checked, you live in Chicago, not New York. You had a choice.”

Peter winced, knowing that was entirely true. He knew he couldn’t justify agreeing to take the case by simply saying he felt he couldn’t say no. That was the coward’s answer. And, truly, he felt like a coward.

“McCoy—“

“Is easier to say no to than you think,” Rafael snapped. “And he was my boss.”

“Was?”

Rafael snorted, mirthless smile taking over his face as he turned his head away. “What, you really think they’re gonna let a baby killer continue working for the DA?”

Peter sighed, lowering his gaze as guilt surged through his veins. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

“As much as it pains me to say it, it’s not your fault,” Rafael muttered before turning to walk away.

Peter’s heart sank as he watched Rafael take two steps, but then he paused, turning to look back at Peter again.

“Tell me why you did it.”

“I’m sorry?” Peter frowned.

“Do you hate me that much that you wanted to not only see me in prison, but be the one who put me there?”

Rafael’s voice rose in both volume and pitch as he stalked back towards Peter, drawing the attention of passers-by.

“I don’t hate you,” Peter said quietly, chest tightening.

“Then why? Because I would never have done this to you. I loved you. I would never—“

“You left!” Peter shouted, heart suddenly aching as a lump began forming in his throat. “You left me. I needed you, and you left. No explanation, no phone call, not even a note. You just left, Rafael.”

“So you prosecuted me,” Rafael snorted, shaking his head. “Very mature.”

Peter rolled his eyes, feeling anger burn hot in his stomach. “You wanna preach about maturity? You were too much of a coward to even tell me you were leaving.”

“Oh, I’m a coward? You spent your whole life running from your father, yet here you are, keeping up appearances, too scared to tell anyone what your father was really like.”

Peter laughed, a bitter thing that seemed to burn on its way up. “Yeah, okay, Rafael. Whatever you say.”

There was a pause, a moment where they both stared each other down before Peter took a step towards Rafael, faces inches apart.

“I took the case because a part of me wanted to see if you’d even care,” he hissed, and a wave of relief washed over him at having said it out loud, at having admitted it, not only to himself, but to someone else.

Just as Peter was about to pull away, Rafael grabbed him by the front of his coat, capturing his lips in a bruising kiss. On instinct, or perhaps simply because he wanted to, because he could, Peter brought his hands up to Rafael’s face, running his fingers into his hair.

“Of course I care,” Rafael said as he pulled away, his voice rough with emotion. He kept his eyes down, hands still firmly gripping the front of Peter’s jacket. “I never stopped loving you.”

Before Peter could react, before he could say anything, Rafael turned and left, and Peter, frozen in place, watched as he disappeared into the Manhattan crowd.


	79. Dorisi - "You're the best I ever had."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178886821387/youre-the-best-i-ever-had-dorisi

Sonny’s not sure why Mike showing up at his door has him feeling apprehensive and on edge, but as he lets the door fall shut and Mike turns to smile at him, unease swirls in his stomach.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

It’s not what he meant to say, but the words ring true anyway, and something deep inside of him cracks open as Mike smiles sadly at him. There’s a throbbing pain spreading throughout him, suffocating him, and he can’t quite work out why.

“I had to,” Mike says, voice barely above a whisper as he steps forward to cup Sonny’s cheek. “I had to let you know.”

Sonny closes his eyes and turns his head into Mike’s hand. “Let me know what?”

He’s not sure he wants to know the answer to his question. There’s a screaming inside his head, and suddenly all he can see is red, a sense of urgency building and building until he snaps his eyes back open, and it’s just Mike’s face in front of him, soothing, calm, familiar, and everything else dies down inside of him.

“You’re the best I ever had.” Mike’s voice wavers, and Sonny feels a pang deep in his gut. “I loved you more than you could ever know, and I’m so, so sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” He asks as tears cloud his vision.

Mike pulls him into a hug, warm and comforting at first. But slowly there’s a hot, sticky wetness spreading at his abdomen, and when he breaks apart, his hand instinctively settling on his stomach, he tastes bile on the back of his throat. Blood; red, sticky, still warm and fresh, coating his hand. He swallows hard, looking across at Mike, whose stomach is slowly oozing.

“You’re bleeding,” he says dumbly, having to swallow down a wave of nausea.

When Sonny looks at his face, Mike looks calm, unbothered by how quickly he seems to be losing blood.

“I’m sorry,” Mike repeats, cupping Sonny’s cheek.

“No,” Sonny whines desperately, reaching out for Mike, but he just grasps at thin air.

Suddenly he’s gasping, lungs burning, surrounded by darkness, hands outstretched towards nothing. It takes him a moment to realize he’s sitting in bed drenched in sweat, not standing in his lounge room with Mike.

A shiver runs through his whole body, and for a moment he thinks he might be sick. But the moment passes, and as Sonny falls back against his pillow, he can’t stop the tears that fall as sobs wrack his body.

“I miss you,” he whimpers to the empty room, desperately hoping Mike can hear him. “I miss you so, so much.”


	80. Calex - "You just broke the last bit of trust I had in you."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178899806272/you-just-broke-the-last-bit-of-trust-i-had-in

The moment Alex rose from the lounge, Casey perked up, on alert. She listened to the sound of the bathroom door closing before she reached out and grabbed the last slice of pizza, shoving half of it in her mouth in one go. She was still chewing the last little bit when the toilet flushed and Alex came back to the lounge room.

Casey trained her eyes on the TV, trying to inconspicuously wipe her greasy fingers on her jeans without Alex noticing.

It took a moment, and Casey didn’t avert her gaze from the TV at all, but Alex leaned forward before freezing beside her.

“How could you?”

Casey turned to look at her, frowning. “How could I what?”

Alex stared her down, and Casey felt sweat prickle at her brow, growing more uncomfortable by the second. There was a reason Alex was so good against perps, and suddenly, not for the first time, Casey was feeling the pressure.

“You just broke the last bit of trust I had in you,” Alex said, voice so serious Casey actually thought maybe she’d upset her.

But then Alex smirked, shoving Casey before resting back to place her feet in Casey’s lap.

“You owe me.”

“No. No, Alex, please. You know I hate feet.”

“Go on.” Alex wiggled her toes, causing Casey to cringe. “You eat my slice of pizza, you give me a foot massage.”

“If I’d known the stakes were so high I would have left it,” Casey grumbled, but she couldn’t quite manage to keep the scowl on her face as she took Alex’s foot in her hand.


	81. Barollins - “How much of that did you hear?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178916055122/barollins-how-much-of-that-did-you-hear

Amanda groaned as her mother continued to rant about how Amanda would be a spinster, old and alone with no money or prospects, as though they were living in the 1800s and she couldn’t possibly fend for herself.

She’d lost count of how many times she’d felt a surge of regret at answering her phone at six in the morning. It was far too early to be dealing with family, and with Rafael asleep in the room behind her, the feeling that she was wasting her time had doubled.

“I have a boyfriend, mom,” she interrupted, words out of her mouth before she’d really thought them through.

“A boyfriend, or a man you’ve been sleeping with?”

Amanda rolled her eyes at her condescending tone, tapping on the railing of Rafael’s balcony.

“I’m sleeping with him and he’s my boyfriend.”

“What’s his name?”

“Rafael,” Amanda replied instantly, leaning into a half-truth. They were sleeping together, but Rafael was definitely not her boyfriend. “Rafael Barba. He’s an assistant district attorney.”

She couldn’t help but puff her chest out, injecting pride into her tone. The truth was, if Rafael were her boyfriend, she would be proud. She was happy with their current arrangement, but, aside from an overbearing mother, which Amanda knew she had no right to complain about, Rafael was basically the full package.

“How’d you manage that?”

Amanda scoffed, burying a flash of hurt that still, after all these years, her mom didn’t regard her very highly.

“What, you think I’m beneath him? ‘Cause lemme tell ya, we—“

“I don’t need to know,” her mother cut her off, and she could just picture the raised hand and the holier-than-thou look on her face. “Bring him to Matthews wedding.”

Amanda sighed, covering her face with her free hand “Mom, I’m not coming to Matthews wedding.”

“Well, that was before you got yourself a hotshot lawyer boyfriend.”

“I don’t think Rafael would want—“

“Nonsense, I expect to see him there.”

Before Amanda could respond, the line went dead, and she groaned, burying her face in her arms on the balcony railing.

The moment she heard a throat clear behind her, she wished the ground would swallow her whole. Without looking up, she asked, “How much of that did you hear?”

“Enough,” Rafael said softly, and she counted his steps before he settled behind her, winding his arms around her waist.

He pressed a kiss to the back of her neck before resting his chin on her shoulder, and without looking, she could picture the soft, lazy smile on his face lit up by the rising sun. It was the mornings that made her think that they could really have something if they wanted it. In the mornings Rafael was soft, unguarded, but in a way that allowed Amanda to be those things too, without feeling vulnerable. They were similar in so many ways, it was almost too perfect.

“I can come to the wedding, if that’s what you want.”

Amanda huffed out a wry laugh, turning her head towards Rafael. “That’s what my mom wants.”

“Sometimes it’s best just to keep them happy.”

Amanda rolled her eyes, resting her chin on her arms. “You’ve never met my mother.”

“But I could,” Rafael insisted, giving her a small squeeze.

Amanda sighed, closing her eyes, enjoying the warmth of him pressed up behind her and the way his breath tickled her cheek every so often. It was nice, comforting in all the ways she’d never wanted before the past couple of months. She wished she knew what had changed.

“I kinda lied and told her you were my boyfriend,” she admitted, voice muffled by her arm.

Rafael was silent for a moment, and Amanda cursed herself internally as she tried to pull out of his grasp, but he held her tight and firm.

“I could be...if you wanted that.”

“You’re saying  _you_  want that?” Amanda asked, eyes wide with shock as she pulled away to look at him properly.

“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it,” he said quietly before biting at his lower lip.

She searched his eyes, which were wide and uncertain, and for a moment he looked so small and so vulnerable, and a flash of fear coursed through her. But she pushed it away in favor if leaning in to capture his lips in a soft, tender kiss, her hands coming up to cup his face and pull him in closer.

His arms dropped to her hips like they belonged there, pulling her flush against him.

“I’ve thought about it too,” she whispered as they broke apart.

His expression remained neutral for what felt like far too long, but eventually, he broke out in a smile, genuine and happy, and she found herself grinning back at him as he pulled her in again.


	82. Cargan - “Tell me again.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178931740237/tell-me-again-with-cargan-please

It had been a long day. Every day felt like a long day now, if Sonny was being completely honest. There was a bone-deep exhaustion clinging to him, his every move feeling heavy and forced, and he couldn’t remember what it was like to not feel this way. He knew he had, once upon a time, maybe not even that long ago, but he couldn’t quite remember what it felt like to have any prolonged sense of energy and life inside of him, and the realization terrified him.

He glanced at himself in the mirror, wincing at the bags under his eyes, the added gray to his hair, the lines that now seemed permanently etched into his forehead. He was sure he had once been what people would describe as handsome. Now he just looked tired. As tired as he felt.

His hands shook as he unbuttoned his shirt, caked in dirt and blood that would never wash out. It was the helplessness, the constant despair around him, he was sure, that had slowly eaten away at him until there was nothing left. Not for the first time, he wondered if he was cut out to be a detective, especially at SVU. He’d wanted to be there to help the victims, instead of coming in after they were already dead, but now he thought perhaps death was better. It surely had to be better than the horrors he saw now, the mutilated bodies, the children with dead eyes, the women who were just shells of their former selves.

He slipped his pants off, kicking them to the corner of the room, and tossed his shirt on top before turning away, not wanting to look anymore, not wanting to smell the dirt and blood and grass that reminded him that they’d been too late, that their victim’s chances were so slim that they might as well have left her in the shallow grave they’d found her in.

His arms still ached with the weight of her, and, as though she were in his arms again, he felt his legs grow weak, tired, his entire body ready to give up. Instead of showering as he’d intended, he sat on the edge of the bathtub. Just for a moment, he told himself. Just until he could hold himself up without it feeling like an impossible task.

He was distantly aware of the click of the front door, of footsteps making their way around the apartment, of Trevor’s usual afternoon routine. He knew Trevor would want to use the bathroom, knew he should probably, at the very least, get in the shower, but he couldn’t seem to move.

Trevor stopped at the door to the bathroom, and Sonny stared down at his feet, gripping the edge of the tub.

“I’ll be done in a moment,” he lied, not looking up.

“Take your time.”

There was a pause before Trevor made his way across the tiles, purple socks entering Sonny’s line of vision. A hand came to rest on his shoulder as Trevor knelt down in front of him, forcing eye contact. His eyes were bright despite their concern, smile soft and genuine. He looked so beautiful, so full of life in comparison to Sonny, and it made his heart ache.

“Sorry,” he muttered with a small smile. “It’s been a long day.”

“As I said,” Trevor said softly, pushing a few strands of loose hair back from Sonny’s face. “Take your time.”

Sonny nodded, not knowing what to say.

“I love you,” Trevor murmured as he pressed a kiss to Sonny’s forehead, moving to stand, but Sonny grabbed him by the wrist, silently begging him not to leave.

There was a moment where neither of them talked, neither of them moved, and Sonny swallowed furiously against the lump forming in his throat, trying to fight the voices that told him he didn’t deserve this, that he didn’t deserve Trevor’s love.

Trevor ran his fingers through Sonny’s hair, softly massaging his fingertips against Sonny’s scalp before cupping the back of his head.

“What do you need?”

Truly, he didn’t know. He needed to feel like everything was going to be okay. He needed to feel that what he was doing, what he was putting himself through every single day, was actually worth something. He needed to know that he was doing the right thing, that he was actually helping people, instead if stepping in too late and telling them it would be fine. He needed to believe he was loved, that he was worthy of such a thing.

“Tell me again,” he whispered, voice hoarse, the words struggling to come out.

Trevor stared at him for a moment, confused, before he settled between Sonny’s legs, sitting on the tiles, taking both of Sonny’s hands in his own.

“I love you,” he said, firm but soft. “I love you so much it scares me, sometimes.”

“I love you too.”

“I know.” Trevor laughed softly, cupping Sonny’s cheek.

Sonny leaned into the touch, letting his eyes fall shut, so ready to let the exhaustion consume him. His body felt so heavy, a dead weight that he was ready to give up on.

Trevor leaned back up on his knees, pulling Sonny close against his chest, tight and firm.

“I love you,” he whispered again, voice shaking a little. “You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met. I need you to believe me.”

Sonny nodded, pressing his face into Trevor’s chest. “I do.”

Trevor reached behind him, starting the bath running before holding Sonny firm again. Sonny knew in the morning he would feel embarrassed by his own weakness, ashamed he’d let himself wallow instead of picking himself back up like he normally did. But right now, he needed this. Right now, Trevor’s touch was the only thing keeping Sonny upright, and he would take everything he could.


	83. Calhola - "What did you just say?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178967883732/what-did-you-just-say-calhola-or-rita

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff, allusions to sexual content

Bliss. Comfort. Contentedness.

Those are the words Rita would have used described the way she felt once her heart rate had slowed down. With Fin’s arm under her head, wrapped around her side, his hand splayed across her chest, she couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be.

He shifted beside her and she felt a slight pang at the realization that he was leaving already, followed by a flash of fear at the fact that she really, truly didn’t want him to go.

She tried to ignore the tug in her heart as he slipped his arm out from underneath her, tried to ignore the way her stomach fluttered as he tucked her hair behind her ear with a grin before standing up.

She watched him dress and collect his things, and the whole time her heart screamed no, while her head fought to let him leave.

“See ya ‘round, Rita,” he said with a slight wave.

Just as he was about to step out of her bedroom and into the hall, away from her, she whispered, “Don’t go,” her heart winning out.

“What did you just say?” He asked, eyes widening with something she thought might be fear, might be uncertainty, if she’d ever seen those emotions on his face before to compare.

She knew she could brush him off, tell him it was nothing and let him leave. She knew that was probably the smart option. But for once in her life she wanted to take that leap, to not be afraid, to know if this was just sex, or if it could be something more.

“I said,” she began, sitting up, throwing him a confident smirk that was at odds with the nerves bubbling in her stomach, “don’t go.”

“I thought so,” he breathed out, and for a moment they just stared at each other, Fin wide-eyed and Rita clinging onto her cool, calm and collected exterior.

Slowly, Fin placed his belongings down on the dresser before making his way over to the bed, smile forming on his face.

“Whatever you want, baby girl.”

She rolled her eyes, batting his arm, even as her heart swelled. “Call me that again and I may reconsider the offer.”

“Oh, that was an offer?” He teased, leaning in close. “And here I was thinkin’ you were begging me to stay.”

She rolled her eyes again, retort on the tip of her tongue, but he was quicker, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss, hands resting either side of her as he crawled further up the bed, hovering over her, and for the first time in her life Rita found she didn’t mind letting someone else have the last word as she pulled Fin flush against her.


	84. Carlivia + “It looks like Santa threw up here”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas, fluff
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/181217776852/could-you-do-it-looks-like-santa-threw-up-here

Carmen smoothed the front of her skirt down for the nth time before knocking on Olivia’s door with her free hand, the other weighed down by bags of gifts.

“Hey,” she breathed out when Liv answered the door, trying to shake away the nerves—nerves that didn’t even make sense to begin with.

“Hey,” Liv responded with a warm smile, pulling Carmen into a hug, and she barely resisted the urge to drop her bags in favour of hugging back fiercely. “Merry Christmas.”

“Yeah,” Carmen managed with a small nod and a tight smile, her stomach curling uncomfortably.

Liv stepped aside without another word to let Carmen in, and Carmen forced herself to walk forward, ignoring the sudden swirling in her stomach and the way her legs had turned to jelly.

She didn’t normally see anyone Christmas Day. That was her day to mourn, to be alone, to remember how things had been before her mother died and her father couldn’t stand to look at her anymore. They’d tried to do Christmas together, of course, just the two of them, but it was tense, uncomfortable, and it had resulted in the most painful argument Carmen had ever experienced in her life. So now, Christmas was spent alone.

But somehow, this year, she’d managed to let Liv talk her into delivering Noah his gifts in person, and Carmen was sure that under the nerves and the never-ending grief, she was grateful—glad, even—but for the life of her, she couldn’t seem to make herself believe it.

“Merry Christmas!” Noah shouted at her, wrapping his arms around her middle before she’d even stepped into the living room, and she felt a flood of warmth wash over her as she patted his head, genuine smile taking over her face.

“Goodness,” Carmen laughed as she took in the state of the living room. “It looks like Santa threw up in here.”

Olivia laughed, reaching out to take the bags from Carmen’s hand to replace them with a glass of wine, and she felt her stomach swoop again at the warmth and love and concern all written clear as day on Liv’s features.

“Lunch will be ready soon,” she said quietly, pressing a kiss to Carmen’s cheek. “It’s nothing special, but—“

“You didn’t need to do that. I’ll leave soon, get out of your way.”

Liv frowned, taking a small step back from Carmen. “I invited you here to spend time with you, not just exchange gifts. Lunch…lunch is for you, more than us.” Liv looked down, a light blush dusting her cheeks, before she offered a small smile. “I was trying you impress you.”

For a moment, all Carmen could do was stare. They had known each other for years, but they had only started dating recently. She had expected Liv to want to spend Christmas with her son without anything else getting in the way of that.

“You want me to stay?”

“You didn’t really think I’d let you spend Christmas alone, did you?”

Carmen swallowed the lump rising in her throat, but she couldn’t quite hide the tears prickling at her eyes, and before she could respond, Liv was pulling her into a hug, gentle, so as not to spill the wine, but somehow fierce at the same time.

“Sorry,” Carmen whispered before pressing a quick kiss to Liv’s cheek.

“What for?” Liv asked, pulling back to look at Carmen for a moment before turning to Noah, who was already back to playing with his new train set. “How about we give Carmen her very special gift, huh?”

Carmen let Liv guide her to the lounge, and with it, she let the warmth truly wash over her, taking the gift that Noah offered excitedly. It wasn’t what she had expected for Christmas, but if this was to fill the emptiness she normally felt, then she wouldn’t trade it for the world.


End file.
